I can't eat

[NorthernSpy]

People are nagging me to, but I can't. If I look at food, my throat closes up. It's been like that for the last few days.

We tried so hard to help Dad get heavier. A lung patient's survival is closely tied to whether they can still put on weight. We cooked anything he wanted, made all his favorite dishes. Now he's gone, and I'm angry at food. I don't even want it around me.

Our last Sunday dinner, he had about three little bites of his fried chicken, a forkful of spinach, and one taste of the potatoes. Also a tiny sliver of pie (blueberry, from the bushes he planted himself, with some raspberries and blackberries thrown in). Then he went to the hospital and never came back.


He was a big, tall, strong man with a great appetite for life and food and everything. I can't believe we let him slip away like that.

[FreedRadical]

1. Then don't eat.

Your post reminded me of the last days of my grandmothers life when food <;ie feeding tube> became an issue.

You see with my grandmother food was an expression of love, and she expressed that love well. Our entire family was centered around her dining room table and kitchen. You have to understand she had 7 children her self, at the time 28 grandkids, 16 great grand kids, and and two great great grandkids. She had the amazing ability to to feed as all to stuffed, and send us home with left overs. I miss her so much. These times were the happiest of my life.

She also had what I think of as the magic freezer. Really there were two freezers. She could go to these freezers and pull out a wide variety of full meals from what I thought of as UFOs. Unidentifiable Food Objects. I would go grandma' and say "I'm hungry", and she would go "there's food in the freezer". I would open the freezer doors and scratch my head. She was a prolific freezer but labeling was not her strongest area. My grandparents also had a large vegetable garden every year.

Flash forward to the last days of her life. We are in the house, her house, talking to hospice rep's, who were great, but not family. The decision had to be made, after prolonged illness, of what were the option's. I know she had had a full but not easy life. We were never short on love. The time had come. She was all but Brain dead. The best option was to remove her feeding tube and let her go. I remember looking at the hospice people and thinking don't you know? How unfair. To stop feeding her in this House?!! It was the right thing to do, but the right thing was just not right. We made that choice and she went in less than 24hours. That was 12 years ago.

Your post brought that back to me.

So don't eat. Feel. It's okay. Grieve. Love him. Feel.

When I come to this group, it's like walking in the park late at night. Reflective. I have a story. I have not told it yet. I have been struggling with a loss that has not found it's way out of my heart yet. Some day soon I will share it hear. I have been holding it in my heart for 5 years this November 6th. This year I have been in therapy. It's been a slow process. I had lost the ability to feel. For some reason I felt your story. A slow start. A reminder. Thank you

[pecwae]

4. When you feel ready

please share your story. "I had lost the ability to feel"; how well I understand this.

[auntAgonist]

2. You didn't do anything wrong ...

Your heart hurts and you need to grieve.

Please accept my condolences in the loss of your Father. I remember the same feelings when my mother died 10 years ago this month.

:hug:

aA
kesha

[pecwae]

3. How I feel for you.

I am hearing guilt in your last sentence and beg you to please don't take that blame. I know how hard it is not to do this to oneself.

Reading between the lines I hear such love and precious memories. Hold onto that; it will help.

Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it does soften the edges of the raw pain.

[livetohike]

5. I went through a similar experience NorthernSpy

when my Dad passed from pancreatic cancer on Nov. 8, 2004. We went out to get him his favorite foods. I even left the hospital for a couple of hours and made from scratch one of his Slovak favorites - lekvar pirohi and he took two bites... I'm very sorry for your loss :hug:

You will retrieve your appetite soon. Just let the good memories you have of life with your Dad wash over the sadness of those last weeks......Trust me....time will make it less hurtful.

[auntAgonist]

6. NorthernSpy ...

How are you doing? You've been on my mind. I hope the days are getting somewhat better for you (?).
Please check in. Lots of folks here care.

:hug:

aA