I'm surprised this forum doesn't have more traffic, especially

[onecent]

tonight, the day before Christmas.

I cannot believe I'm the only person in DU having a pretty difficult time today..and maybe tomorrow.

My husband died in his sleep last July 28, 2007. I believe I'm beginning to "feel" again, as I can sense the tension, headaches (which I never have)....anger because others are obviously happy with Christmas and I feel like I'm the only person on this earth right now that just wants to sit down and cry for an hour or two....in fact, I wish I could.

"They" say to keep busy...HA....There's nothing on this earth that can keep me "BUSY" enough to forget that Dan is gone....so keeping busy is just fluff they tell you to make you think there is a quick fix to being whole again.

There isn't. I know that. But it doesn't make the hurt go away.

I am not enjoying this "first" Christmas without him. I'm not enjoying ONE SINGLE THING ABOUT IT.
I don't like all these "firsts" by myself after 22 years.....

I'm having a pity party, and I know it, but I'm going to get up tomorrow and work harder to give back to others. I found out someone close to me has a husband who was diagnosed with a possible brain tumor and has had a slight stroke. My husband went quickly and very very peacefully. I have some thanks to give for that.

Merry Christmas to everyone... I don't mean to bum anyone out here, I just think I had to speak my peace for this evening. This is the hardest thing I've had to do in over 20 years.

Get through the holidays.

Peace
Penny

[CC]

1. I always found the lead up to the holiday worse

than the actual day. Once I figured that out I handled it better though it is still hard when you are missing a big part of your life. The first Christmas without Beau my DH didn't want a tree put up and any of the other stuff that goes a long with the season. It didn't help and made things worse in some ways. He learned from it and so did I.
Now we do whatever we feel like doing. He can't handle pictures and videos, me I could watch them and cry for a while then come back to the world, so I do that when he isn't around. If we are down we let ourselves feel it, if we are doing ok and happy we let ourselves feel that too. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel and damn all the "THEY" out there. "THEY" don't get it.
The first really is the worst but may not be the only one that sucks. Don't do what others say, just do what you need to for yourself so that you can get through it the best you can and heal. If that means crying for a couple hours then go a head and cry. It is healing and we were given tears to use them as much as we were given smiles to use.
You might want to spend some time with memories from a happier time, even if they make you cry and want to scream. You might just find a smile in there too and the memories do help us heal. There is always here if you need to talk and some one eventually comes through and answers but sometimes just the telling helps.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[pecwae]

2. ((Penny & CC))

Sometimes I just don't think others want to be burdened with my grief and sadness, so I don't post. Within my own family I know that no one wants to listen since the holiday is all about cheer, happiness, presents; they never even say Aaron's name.

Yesterday while cooking the magnitude of loss came out of left field and laid me low. I was standing in the kitchen, a bag of onions in one hand, and suddenly had to bend at the waist with weeping. That's how it happens with me. Knowing I had to go to my SILs house with all her children home made me depressed, bitter, angry and more weepy. Yes, that's a selfish feeling, but I just can't help it.

"They" are experts on everything and have no clue how our worlds have permanently changed.

My PM box is always open for anyone here.



:grouphug:

[easttexaslefty]

3. {{Hugs}}}

To everyone on this forum. Why is it that they don't want to mention our beloved ones that are gone?
don't they know that is what we all crave? To know they are not forgotten? Love to all you guys

[pecwae]

4. ((Marie))

There are times I want to shake people, especially family, by the shoulders and scream at them that Aaron existed, he lived, he was here and now there's an Aaron-shaped hole in the world that no one else will ever be able to fill.

Gentle hugs and love to you, sweetheart, and to all who come here even if it is just to read.

[onecent]

5. To all of your who responded, and especially pecwae (who has

been supporting me for quite some time now)...it has meant a great deal to me, even though you may not know it.....You have been a rock for me, and I have really enjoyed your "checking up on me to make sure I was okay". Sometimes, it felt like no one cared, and you would pop in and make my day.

This was my 1st Christmas without him. I haven't cried this hard since the funeral...but I think that's ok, because I was having trouble crying for quite a while, so my grief was coming out via extreme high blood pressure and panic attacks. I asked my doc to lower my (numbing pill) which he cut in half, and I believe I am able to better cope if I can grieve by crying tears and feeling vs. NOT FEELING.

I have to take the BP drugs because It's extremely high when I get anxious...but I am working on the control....and a network of neighbors/relatives near to help me through the panic attack before the hospital er visit for $2770.00 (which is totally *#*#&@)(#*&#*#^$*#^&^#$*#&$ NUTS. I still have good insurance, thank god.

My biological children live afar (2 of them overseas) so I am thankful to have Dan's 3 sons, who have totally taken me under their wing. I have been blessed with these three boys and their wives and children...and i know it. So that helps alot!

I had a pretty nice day...I did keep busy..and just got back from my neighbors who have been my safety net and strong strong support since July 28th. I never realized how much my husband was loved, and/or possibly how much I was loved, until all the response from and through the funeral and up through Christmas.

I thank everyone on this forum and wish for all of you to have love and good memories. Sometimes I wonder if the memories are "all" we have.

There are times I feel so strong, I think I could plan a 10 course meal for 25 people...and other times I don't want to shower when I get out of bed.

I feel like i want to warn people..that the worst is yet to come. I have never felt such a void...such a black hole, such a lonliness, NOTHING could have ever prepared me for this feeling....
so I just have to go through it and understand it is part of "life". I love life, but I find anymore, I'm less afraid of death.

As I tell all my friends and relatives, hold everyone a little tighter..and tell everyone you love them a little more often. I know my husband knew I loved him because I loved taking care of him. He had been disabled since 1994.... It was not a severe disability, it was just his legs didn't want to cooperate for him. He could still golf with his buddies as long as he could ride the golf carts..and his buddies were the best. His golf games were what kept him going as long as he did. I just thought I was going to be able to take care of him for about 20 more years. We all thought the worse that was going to happen was he was going to lose his legs....but it wasn't to be...

And, he didn't want that either. So.

Again everyone my heart goes out to everyone of you. Sometimes I don't feel worthy of writing in all these forums, because I'm just a human being who has experienced the death of the most precious thing that belonged to me. I am not an expert, and never try to tell people how to do things, or what to do. All I know is I feel.....I have such compassion for people who are going through what I am going through. I ache for the sound of his voice, i ache for the touch of his wonderful hands, i ache because no one drinks milk out of the gallon jug any more, I ache because I don't know if he is safe, warm, happy.

Everyone have a wonderful New Year. I think of lots of people in this forum and other forums (health issues, etc)....Politics has been taking a back seat lately, guess when i get my growley bear attitude back again about our government, I'll know I'm on the road to recovery.

Love and hugs to all
Penny

[havocmom]

6. I've been too damned sad & depressed to show up in this forum at all for some time now

Think I have hit the 'inconsolable' wall for the time being. :shrug:

[pecwae]

7. Can we help?

You're always one of the first posters to respond when another DUer needs support. Now it sounds like you need us and we want you to know we're here for you.

[havocmom]

9. Thanks, pecwae. Knowing you guys are all here is a giant help, believe me

Just overwhelmed right now. Will be better in a while. Having such kind shoulders to lean on is a help, whether I lean or not ;)

[onecent]

8. An 'inconsololable' wall is ok if that's what you need. I've been

there and, like you, I wanted to hibernate or disappear....Not face any reality. It is the hardest time of a person's life. No one can be prepared.

Know we are here if you need anything -

We can send vibes, love and light and sense a taste of "being in your shoes"....even though every experience IS different....they are pretty much all the same with the emptyness, the guilt, the wished we had done something different and the tangible void it leaves in our lives.

Blessings to you my friend.

Penny

[havocmom]

10. Thank you onecent. It does help

Send good vibes for strength and restored good humor. It is only when I lose my humor that I ever really get into trouble with life's little pitfalls.

Your kindness is a comfort. Just knowing there ARE kind people with generous spirits out there is comfort and cause for hope. Too much of the other kind of people in my daily encounters. Month after month of their idiocy and pettiness when others have real problems is wearing me down to the point I don't wanna bother anymore. It is not a good place for me to be.

I will get by with help from such kind friends. Thank you for your support

[flamingyouth]

11. I've been feeling overwhelmed with health problems, etc.

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while.

I do want to let you know that I think of everyone in this forum all the time and that I keep you in my prayers. I especially think of those of you who lost loved ones this year and are going through your first holiday season "the new way." I feel a real connection to all of you and send my love. :grouphug:

[RevCheesehead]

12. christmas is such a horribly busy time for me.

This year, I probably kept myself extra-busy so I wouldn't have time to think about or feel my grief. Guess what? It's caught up with me anyways. I've learned you can't avoid it, because eventually you'll have to deal with it.

I'm sorry I couldn't be here for anyone else during this time. I was burned out at Thanksgiving, and barely made it through Christmas. I found the church more demanding than usual. I didn't put up a tree, or light the lights (except for window candles). And I spent christmas day alone with my cats.

For some reason, it's just not instinctive for me to reach out when I hurt. I turn inward and try to deal with my pain by myself. One of these days, I'm going to learn that just doesn't work well for me.

I sincerely hope that you are doing better, and can see glimpses of light and hope for the future.

blessings and peace to you. :hug:

[onecent]

13. Thank you RevCheesehead. I kind of like your DU name.

I appreciate the kind words. January has been kinder to me. Sometimes I wonder why he's not here and I am here. There is no JOY now. I know that won't last, but in the meantime it is there...or not there... JOY that is.

I find myself thinking more and more about our "purpose". Am coming up with more questions than answers. But I feel good about the searching. Maybe I'm trying to say, I hope there is a purpose.

Peace