I am having such a difficult time of it now . . .

[Bullwinkle925]

Lost my husband last October. Have mainly stuffed down feelings for some time and now it is all coming to a head. I'm jittery, anxious, depressed. The *aloneness* that I feel is overwhelming. Being in this silent, dark house in the middle of the night makes me want to jump out of my skin. Trouble sleeping at night - tired, of course, in the daytime. It is a *Catch-22* situation.
I miss having arms around me. I miss having someone touch me. I wonder if this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life and it seems unbearable to me.
I am definitely in a very dark place right now.

[CC]

1. Sending you lots of

:hug:s. That silence is deafening isn't it. I don't really know what to say that would help. I do understand though and probably why I am at such a loss for words. You will get through it, it will seem like it is taking forever no matter how long it really takes. Lean on those that love you, they do love you and want to help but might not know how. Cry when you feel like crying, scream when you feel like screaming and don't worry about what the neighbors or anyone else thinks. It sounds really weird and counter productive but embrace the pain, let yourself feel it. You have to work your way through it by letting it hurt. It really does work even if it sounds crazy. As for missing him, I can't imagine ever not missing my son but then again I wouldn't ever want to not miss him. It just becomes a part of you and it does become bearable. Sending more :hug:s and stop by and write here if it helps. We might not have answers but we know how it feels and have shoulders to lean on and ears to listen with.

[Bullwinkle925]

2. thank you so much.

i feel as if i'm caught in a whirlpool and can't get out.

[CC]

3. I know that feeling thing is I can't remember

how I came out of it. It seemed to be a very slow progression. I remember reading a lot of books on grief but only two that seemed to help. At first I took things minute by minute then day by day. I did get a pool that summer and when I just couldn't take anything anymore I would go swim until I couldn't anymore then just float for hours. Had I been sane no way would I of have had a pool put in, but since I was slightly not sane I got it and it ended up being a life saver. It was an escape but it did work. If there is anything you find that makes you feel even a tad better, whether others understand or not, do it as long as it isn't harmful to you. I just decided that there was nothing that had to be done (beyond feeding the animals that were here at the time) so if I didn't feel like doing it I didn't. Somehow the house didn't fall down around us. I did do a lot of talking about my son and still do. Eventually people got used to it or I told them I felt better talking about him and they could get over it if it bothered them. They are still around so guess if they didn't understand they did care enough to handle it and even better they aren't afraid to talk about him around me. No one grieves the same way, even those that have lost the same loved one. You just have to find your own way in there. The up side to deciding to do it your way is it gives back some of that feeling of control over your life that you lose when you lose a loved one. Hang in there, betting that if you loved you husband that much then he loved you at least as much and he would want you to work your way to a good place. I know I reminded myself that Beau would never of forgiven me if I turned my back on everything I taught him and fell apart completely. :hug:

[easttexaslefty]

5. Really good advice n/t

[easttexaslefty]

4. Bullwinkle,

Grief is exhausing,isn't it? It feels unbelievable...the fact that you have to face everyday without your loved one.
I have found that the grief comes in waves and for me, the best thing is ride them out the best I can. Reach out to someone you feel close to and talk about your feelings. I am always available..you can message me anytime you would like. I will be holding you close in my heart today.....

[livetohike]

6. Sending support, good vibes and prayers for you Bullwinkle

:hug:

[auntAgonist]

7. I can't begin to imagine your pain Bullwinkle...

I can't even think of words that might help you, having never been in your position.

Please know that you are in my thoughts. I hope the days get better for you and that you lean on those who love you.

:hug:

kesha

[yellerpup]

8. So sorry for your loss.

I feel your suffering and send you :hug: :hug: :hug: Grief has it's own timetable and you will come through it. Look for small signs of hope in nature. When you feel lonely, reach out. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

9. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Even those words seem so inadequate, when I know your pain is very, very deep and you can't even breathe. I'll keep you in my prayers, and am sending you lots of love and :hug::hug:

Ruth

PS - I found that keeping a light on at night helped me sleep better. I also kept a radio/CD player nearby to play comforting music.

[Flying Dream Blues]

10. Oh, Bullwinkle, I just saw your post. I'm so sorry you are going through such

a hard time. Others have had good wisdom to share, and I too found comfort in letting myself do only what I could each day. And looked for something, anything, that helped a little...for me it was long walks with the dog, DU, having lunch with friends when I was up to it, and even some silly TV shows. (I've never been a big TV watcher, but I got hooked on a few shows that gave me something to look forward to and helped pass the evenings.)

I also think it's really important to tell yourself when you DO enjoy a moment, even have a laugh, to feel ok about it and not guilty. It's so hard at first, but I thought if I'm being helped and supported by spirit (my own belief system) I need to be open and appreciative to what each day offers. I had plenty of time to be sad, and was, so often and still am but not nearly as much. I also agree that at times it helped me to just cry it out...weep and wail as loud as I pleased. It really did seem to help more than walking around needing to cry and fighting it, and I also noticed if I really let it out, the storm passed more quickly.

I wish I could hug the sadness away. But as others have said, if I can help at all, any time, please PM me. It will be 5 years on August 9 since my son Andrew left us, and at this point, it is bearable, mostly because I think the grieving process helped me carry him with me, instead of feeling I was leaving him behind in some way.
xoxox
:hug: