A friend is fleeing an abusive, controlling relationship; I need some advice

[Orrex]

She works at a local grocery store, and I bumped into her today during her shift. She was quite rattled and told me what she's been going through recently. She lives about a quarter mile up the street from us.

I already knew that her boyfriend is very controlling (both of their cars an all utilities in his name, for instance), but that was about the extent of my knowledge of their problems. He's about 6'2" with a lean frame; she's about 5'4" and petite.

Earlier this week they had an altercation that resulted in her leaving the house some time after midnight. I'm sketchy on the details because she was upset while recounting it for me, and I didn't want to press her for a timeline. Anyway, he apparently called the cops and said that she'd threatened him with a knife. Four police cars quickly arrived on the scene, and several cops wrestled her to the ground and cuffed her. She maintains that they didn't mirandize her and didn't specify a charge, but they stuffed her into the back of a cruiser and took her to the station.

My wife and I witnessed this part of the event, because it occurred two doors up the block from our house. We were awakened by a woman screaming "let me go!" but didn't know it was my friend. I called 911 as I came down the steps to report a woman in distress, but the dispatcher told me that cops were already on the scene.

During our talk today, she showed me the bruises on her wrists from the cuffs as well as the dark and extensive bruises on the inner face of her biceps and triceps, where her boyfriend apparently grabbed her during their argument.

While at the station, she underwent some kind of psych evaluation but wasn't charged and was ultimately released. She learned--either during this time or soon after--that her boyfriend got a PFA against her, so she was given 15 minutes to clear her stuff out of the house, leaving her with few possessions and nowhere to stay.

She's staying at the county's Crisis Shelter and doesn't have many options. Her family across the country, and she doesn't make much at her job, nor can she afford to take much time off. Her employer is being admirably supportive and offers numerous programs specifically for aiding women in this kind of situation.

What can I do to help? Given our proximity to the house, I'm reluctant to do anything too overt which might put my own family at risk. Further, I know that the last thing she needs is another male telling her what to do. I suggested that she contact the county's legal defense system and even the ACLU, considering the circumstances of her detainment. I also urged her not to return to him

I'm not in a position to assist her financially, nor would she ask for such assistance, but I'm hoping that I can at least point her to other resources that might help.


I'm posting here in this Group because it's very possible that the boyfriend reads DU, and I didn't want the message to appear on the "Latest" page. It's unlikely that he peruses the Women's World Group, though.

Your suggestions and advice will be greatly appreciated. Please feel free to PM me if you'd rather not post openly.


Thank you for your time and insights.

[Warpy]

1. Let her know your couch is the last resort

and no, you really don't want to get in the middle of this. Abusive partners are 75% more likely to kill when the victim leaves.

She might also be aggressive. You really don't know the partner's take on it, although he would seem to be controlling and headed down the abuse path in the future.

Do give her as much support as you can. Even five bucks will make a huge difference if you can spare it from time to time. It means five bucks toward her own apartment. Above all, counsel her to stay away from the guy. Encourage her to use as many services as she can get, including counseling.

It doesn't much matter who throws the first punch. When a relationship turns violent, it's time to end it, right then and right there. Violent relationships are like leaky roofs: they never get better on their own, only much, much worse.

[Orrex]

2. Thanks very much for your response

One point I've made to her several times is that this episode sets a precedent. She's insisted several times that he would never hurt her, but the dark bruises on her arms seem to refute this.

She's still at the crisis shelter, and she has a PFA hearing on Monday. I'll be sure to get an update around that time.


Thanks again.

[PRETZEL]

3. I wish your friend the best of luck,

not sure what part of PA you're in, but this is a tremendous organization. They may not be around where you live, but they may be able to help with other resources,

http://www.laurel-house.org/

[Orrex]

4. Thank you for the link--I'll pass it along to her.

I haven't talked to her in a few days, but she attended the PFA hearing on Monday, and apparently her boyfriend dropped the charges. Not sure what her next step is, but at least she was able to get into the house and retrieve more of her stuff, including her computer and more than a few days' worth of clothes.

I suggested that she look into public housing, at least for the short term. The Crisis Shelter is a great resource, but it limits the length of time that one can stay there in any six-month period. Lawrence County has several public housing facilities, and I suspect that she'd qualify for residence, given her income and the fact that she's a single mom.

Thanks again for the link. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

[Orrex]

5. I haven't heard from her in several days. Now it appears that she's back with him.

I guess I'll post a link to her obituary when the time comes.



That's not a joke, by the way; it's an expression of despair that I don't know how to advise her or even if I should. She's an adult and, with eyes open, she has returned to the guy who abused her and slapped her with a PFA.

She's still my friend, but she requires help beyond my ability to give.

:(

[comtec]

6. plz delete

I just realized I have no place posting here.
I'm sorry for the intrusion.
FWIW I'm very sympathetic to your situation re your acquaintance.
It's like watching a slow train wreck

[polly7]

7. I have been that woman.

I'm sure she's aware that involving you too much could place you in danger. Having someone to listen, no matter how off the wall she seems, will be the most important thing you can do. Not even to give advice, just to let her know if the turmoil and torment in her head is sensical or not. Hard to explain, but it's a horrible situation to get out of. Having come from an abusive home, I kept telling myself I must have deserved all the abuse in my marriage too. I was literally shocked to hear the no ...... normal relationships don't involve violence and degradation. Just be there for her to listen ..... that's all I can tell you.