I've lost the love of my life. How do I go on?

[Liberty Belle]

I'm emotionally crushed. I have no one to turn to and I don't know how to find the strength to go on. If not for my daughter, I'd have walked into the sea last night and never come back. But I have to go on for her sake, only I don't know how.

Some people may have no sympathy for me. I was the "other woman."
I've been married for 26 years, not happily, but I stayed for the sake of my children. My husband constantly puts me down and criticizes everything that I do. We've grown apart over the years. I've become a political activist and he resented that. Nothing I ever do pleases him. I asked him to go to counseling over the years, but he refused. Our son left for college recently, and our daughter will in another year or so. So my "duty" to stay for the sake of the kids felt as though it was coming to an end.

I've always been faithful--a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter to my aging parents.

Then I met someone who changed my life completely. A fellow activist. It was love at first sight, though we fought our feelings for months. Then finally our friendship blossomed into something more. He was everything my husband wasn't -- kind, thoughtful, tender, loving, passionate, -- and I learned what real love really meant.

He was involved with someone else, too. A live-in girlfriend who had survived cancer; he'd been a caretaker for her through her ordeal, and had been celibate for years because of her condition. She was nearing retirement, and wanted to move to a hot, dry town to be near her family. He wanted to go back to Hawaii, where he'd spent some happy years. So their parting was coming, too, just as mine would once my daughter left home. Hawaii has always been my dream, too -- I love the islands, but my husband would never consider moving their.

The two of us shared the love of a lifetime -- a romance for the ages. We spoke of opening a bed and breakfast inn in Hawaii, of sailing the world together. I know many people would say that what we did was wrong, and they would be right. I've been a fool, and it's killing me now.

Now her cancer has come back. He needs to stay with her and help her through this ordeal, for however many years that may last. Tests show cancer, but they can't find where. So it's watching and waiting. He held me and I cried buckets. My whole world has fallen apart.

Yesterday we talked for the last time. He said he needs to "simplify" his life, and doesn't want to see me anymore. He needs to look himself in the mirror and feel he's doing the right thing. The honorable thing.

My husband and daughter have no idea what's wrong. I've told them I have the flu; then when I couldn't keep the tears from flowing, I said I'd lost a good friend. Which is true, he was the best friend I ever had.

I don't know how to pull myself together and find the strength to go on. He and I are in many political groups and committees together and I don't think I can face him without falling to pieces. So I'll probably wind up leaving the political life that I love, too.

Has anyone here been through anything like this? How do you stop the tears, hide your grief and find the will to go on?

[politicat]

1. Oh, Lib....

I don't know. I've lost people I loved, I've had to hide the hurt, but... I don't know.

You go a day at a time. You get the financial ducks in a row so that you can file for divorce and move out the weekend after your daughter graduates, if that's what you're committed to doing. Get the debt down, get the savings up and be prepared to sever quickly.

However... Maybe you should talk to her and ask her if she'd be okay with leaving now. If there's a lot of tension in the house anyway, she may not be happy there, either. Or she may be comfortable letting you go and staying with her father. But she's 17. She has to know that something is going on, and she's old enough to have a right to know you're not happy and are staying there for her sake. She may agree with you that it's time to go. Don't deprive her of her opinion simply because you don't ask. You don't have to admit infidelity to her, but you should tell her that you can't be happy with her father. (I was your daughter in my own family - and I prayed for years for a divorce, just so the tension would go away.)

As for your friend, I don't know. In some ways, he's behaving very badly by cutting you out, but he has his own rock and hard place to deal with. If this is the right place for you two to be, then it will happen eventually. Or it won't, and it will put both of you in the place you need to be for the right thing to happen. One door closes, and another opens.

For now, you mourn. In a few days, you can push it back some and let it temper you. But another person can't make you happy - you can be happy or sad or frustrated to have a person in or out of your life, but their presence only contributes to your internal state. If you want to be happy or at least content in your life, you have to make the changes that will get you there - and it may start with dividing assets, filing for divorce, and moving elsewhere.

It might help to read about others who have to suppress grief (or watch a movie); Sense and Sensibility might be helpful right now. Take from Elinor's strength.

[Liberty Belle]

2. Politicac, thanks so much for caring.

I will read Sense and Sensibilities. It's been years, and I've forgotten much of it.

As for the marriage, I will stay, for now. Without my love, it matters not where I am or who I'm with. So there is no reason to make anyone else unhappy.

I did see him yesterday, to make some peace and heal the wounds.
We have agreed to part as friends, and to stay in touch at least now and then. After seeing him, I'm more worried about him than about myself. He has been grieving for me, suffering nightmares, wishing he could just disappear off the face of the earth--much the way I've been feeling.

I gave him a sand dollar, to remember one of the best moments that we ever shared (finding a perfect sand dollar one special day at the beach, which he accidentally sat on and broke!)

He told me he's sorry for hurting me, and that he will always love me.

So...I'm sitting here listening to Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata on a cold and rainy day, feeling not rejected, but loved -- yet still the saddest that I've ever been.

[Ellen Forradalom]

3. You are telling my story.

I am experiencing the same thing. It is agonizing. I wish I had an aswer for you.

[Sweet Freedom]

4. Sweety, go to counseling on your own

It will help. You'll have someone to talk to who will help you get over the pain and get you through this difficult time.

Get yourself some help before you become irreversibly depressed.

And you never know...you and your life love may be together again someday.:hug:

[Liberty Belle]

5. Thanks.

We've renewed a friendship that will last forever, no matter what else life holds in store for either of us.

I have my best friend back, and that helps more than any counseling ever could.

[Caoimhe]

7. I second this

lib don't dis counseling. We've been brought up (many of us) to think it is a sign of weakness to seek a counselor. I tell you what, going to a counselor saved my life when I was feeling horrible over a failed/failing relationship.

Sitting and talking to a non-judgemental person will help you understand where you are now, so that you can proceed in a direction of your choosing.

[Liberty Belle]

9. not weakness...

just awkward in these circumstances. How would I explain to family why I need counseling? Also I really can't afford it, and doubt my insurance would cover.

I did confide in a friend, so at least I have someone to talk to, and I'm working my way through one dark, lonely day at a time.

Thank God our election went well and the Republicans are self-destructing; at least there's something to feel hopeful about. I'm focusing on political activism and writing, just trying to channel all this hurt and anger into accomplishing something positive.

But the winter weather is here, there's a chill in the air, and I feel so dreadfully old...

Cinderella after the ball, back to life the way I wish it didn't have to be.

[likesmountains 52]

6. This classic by Petrarch says it all for me...

Love's Inconsistancy

by Francesco Petrarch (1304-1374)


I find no peace, and all my war is done;
I fear and hope, I burn and freeze likewise;
I fly above the wind, yet cannot rise;
And nought i have, yet all the world I seize on;

That looseth, nor locketh, holdeth me in prison,
And holds me not, yet can I 'scape no wise;
Nor lets me live, nor die, at my devise,
And yet of death it giveth none occasion.
Without eyes I see, and without tongue I plain;
I wish to perish, yet I ask for health;
I love another, and yet I hate myself;
I feed in sorrow, and laugh in all my pain;
Lo, thus displeaseth me both death and life,
And my delight is causer of my grief.
(Translated by Sir Thomas Wyatt)

[Liberty Belle]

8. Yes, that describes it to a tee...

Those old poets have a lot of wisdom. I think I'll go get a book of poetry from the library.

It's been so hard lately. I thought things were better, but it didn't last.

I'm resigned now to my fate, which isn't the one I'd have chosen, but the choice wasn't mine.

[raccoon]

10. Liberty Belle, have you considered divorce?

You describe your husband as being very critical. Living with somebody like that would definitely bring me down. Going on what you said here, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

[tjdee]

11. OMG, go to the forums here:

http://www.gloryb.com
The direct link to the forums: http://www.gloryb.com/forum/cgi/ultimatebb.cgi

Someone passed it on to me awhile back--and I wasn't even the other woman, it never went to a full blown affair. The women there (at the time, LOL, don't know if it's gotten bad) were smarter and more mature than I expected. They know what you're going through.

But I lost the "love of my life" too--nothing helps but time. That's really the only thing.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. I don't fall in love very often, and when I do, it's intense

Two years ago I fell for someone hrader than I have in about 15 years, only to find out that he's in a commuter marriage.

He went to join his wife for the summer, and I cried for two days straight.

We're on a friendship basis now, but I still feel very wistful and wish I could find someone of that quality again. :-(

[NashVegas]

13. Only Two Days?

If I could say that, I'd be dancing for joy.

I fell for someone last summer who, it turned out, was really only looking for an ego lift. When push came to shove, he wanted to remain friends. In my gut I knew if I accomodated his wish, I'd be miserable, but my head said it was stupid to turn down any offer of friendship. In his idea of friendship, I get to do all the lifting. I'm trying to take a walk for my new year's resolution.

[quiet.american]

14. I've been through a similar agony. More than once.

Each time I had to avoid going anywhere near bodies of water, for fear I'd throw myself in. A successful day was waking up and not doing myself in by the end of the day. I didn't have the money to see a therapist and didn't know where to start if I had been able to afford it.

No one understood what I was going through -- everyone near to me "pooh-poohed" or teased me about my feelings.

I lost about 30 pounds and was down to skin and bones -- that's when those around me began to take what I was going through more seriously, but not much.

I just kept saying to myself, one moment more, just get through one moment more, just one moment more.

About 5 months later, I woke up and for the first ten minutes, I didn't think about him. Every day after that, the time extended a little longer that I didn't think about him.

I started playing music that made me feel better (in this case UB40 and Mozart) and I avoided the LiteFM radio channel, with all its yearning love ballads. Ditto for romantic comedies, especially anything with Meg Ryan in it (which are pretty much not my thing anyway.) :)

Pretty soon, I started working out at home every day, taking vitamins and going to see movie comedies that I wouldn't normally see, just to take the chance of doing something that would make me laugh.

Then one day (it took about a year), I woke up and found I was back to my old "pre-him" self, but actually feeling stronger.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you'll be able to feel better soon.

[DesertRat]

15. I'm really sorry

Go to counselling on your own. I once felt like you do and counselling helped SO much. Take care. :hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

16. Dear Lib -

It's very easy to pronounce judgment upon others - there's a lot in your story that can be taken to task - but, I completely understand your sorrow in your 'emotional loss'. Our lives can become rather entangled at times and it is difficult to just step away and do the intelligent things that we need to do for ourselves. First and foremost - you understand that you do need to address your current marital situation. It isn't fulfilling you now and sounds as if it hasn't for quite some time. I can relate to that. My marriage has certainly had it's ups and downs. There have been times that I've just wanted to hop into my car and drive away without any kind of plan at all. I've stayed because of our daughter as well. She is now grown and out of the home. My husband has been fighting cancer for the past 9 years. He is elderly and needs all the help I can give him. I wouldn't dream of leaving him now. We've been married for over 30 years and was the love-of-my life when I married him.
We've stuck together thoughout the years despite some rather difficult emotional times. I strongly feel my duty to take care of him and suspect that your 'friend' is feeling the same way.
I think that you need to take care of yourself - see a divorce attorney and assess where you stand financially. I hope you are able to get some kind of therapeutic help through this and discover the strength that you do have within yourself in order to carry you through. You deserve some chance at happiness in this world - we all do. Please take the necessary first steps to get you to where you need to be.
BW925

[Lindsey]

17. Firstly, please try not to be so hard on yourself.....

Your husband has been emotionally abusive. Someone who is continuously criticizing, ridiculing, and doing all the things he did is not okay.

The love of your life was the exact opposite. How could any of us judge that?!?! We all, as human beings, have every right to BE HAPPY. We're told differently by society.

For now, I agree with what a lot of the others are saying. If you can find a really great counselor - they can literally help you change your perspective and ultimately your life will change. I had a counselor that kept me sane when I thought it wasn't possible. IT IS POSSIBLE.

IMHO, that's what would help you for right now. When I get into a situation that seems hopeless, I seek out options regarding what can I do right now to get into a better emotional state. I think counseling is the best start.

Please keep us posted on what's happening. You know, our DU community is, for the most part very caring.

Take care and know that these are the darkest days and that, at some point, you'll see a flicker of light that will give you the hope you need.