Freakin' cigs.

[halobeam]

I'd rather marry my ex once more and divorce him again, if I could just have never smoked to begin with.

Guess we can't change what we got ourselves into. I pity anyone with any addiction. I come down hard on addicts of all kinds, but I come down hardest on myself!

No one can kick my ass harder than I can. No one can touch what disdain I feel for this addiction and for myself, allowing this to happen.

No one can make me feel worse than I make myself feel, for robbing my kids and future grandkids of years of having me around and how selfish I am to do that. It is almost unforgivable. Almost.

This is my fourth year of trying to quit seriously. I've spent six months off these suckers each year IN A ROW! and then I go back. The patch gets me off the nicotine. It's the psych-trip I get that pulls me back in. For my 43rd birthday, after six months off them, I thought I could have one OMG what an ass! I smoked until Jan. 2nd the next year. It went on like this for three and a half years. This is the fourth year and I couldn't pull off the six months.

One month ago, I got an upper respiratory infection of some sort, but viral. NO anti biotics to fix this. Went deep into my lungs. Now I'm inhaling preventil sp? to open up my lungs in order to freakin' breathe. I put the patch on when the doc told me I have five days of smoking w/ this and I'll be in the hospital. So I didn't smoke for a week.

Then I didn't go to the bathroom for a week either. Laxatives didn't even work. I wanted to die. I figured smoking would actually make me live longer than not going to the bathroom! So I lit a cigarette, went to the bathroom and put the patch right back on. Did this every morning for the last ten days. I smoke a cig or (a few, you know how that goes... it's like chips) and then the patch goes back on by noon. I can breathe better. I can go to the bathroom. I still smoke.

Do I compromise w/ myself? I don't know. Seems better right now, but it's already getting harder to put the patch on at noon. I know this won't last, but I'm hoping my system will regulate again to a normal mode and I can do other things to help prep my body to go to the bathroom, while I cut back down to one cig and the patch by ten a.m. Then, no cig and see how one day goes w/o it.

Sound like I'm reasoning this out, so I can smoke ??? Probably. Is it making me more physically comfortable in all ways? yes. Will I finally win this battle? My gut tells me, once I'm out of the house (starting school in January HOPEFULLY) then the hole in my life (being at home mom for 17 years) will make the difference. It's the only thing I haven't tried (being out of the house).

I hate smoking and I love smoking. I think I hate it more for a long while now. I do think one day after having smoked for 30 years, it will come back to bite me on the ass no matter what.. but with quitting for good, I can probably put that time frame off for a longer while.

Guess I just needed to vent.

Not smoking sucks. Smoking sucks more. AGREED.

[endless october]

1. i quit five months back.

used the Easy Way to Stop Smoking book (Allen Carr.) nothing worked before that. the book worked.