You find out you have a bastard half-brother...

[Cooley Hurd]

Poll question: You find out you have a bastard half-brother...

Let's say that you find out, via a family member or someone else, that you have a half-brother, someone who was the result of your father's infidelity. Do you...

[Rhiannon12866]

1. This is a tough question that can't be just answered with a poll.

Though others on DU are bound to have insights and provide a lot of valuable advice.

If it were me, I'd be the one crouching in the corner. But I knew my father well, since he survived until I was in my 30s, so I would never have expected this from him. It's different for you, since you never knew your father.

But my best advice is to let this rest, just now, and really think about how you feel. Would you really like to know this person, or do you just want to complete your family tree? For me, it wouldn't be worth it. This is someone I wasn't supposed to know, and though I'd be curious, I might do some research, and ask questions, when I felt up to it, but I think that I'd prefer to walk away from this, just now, and continue with my life. You can always find out more, in the future, if you decide you want to. Just my opinion.

Rhiannon:hug:

[Cooley Hurd]

2. Hey now... I didn't say this was MY problem!

A friend... yes, a friend.;)

[Rhiannon12866]

3. Okay, got it. Sorry.

But if it's just a genealogical question, why did you post it here and not in the genealogy forum? Just asking...:shrug:

Rhiannon:hug:

[Cooley Hurd]

4. Look up at the top of the page...

We ARE in the Genealogy forum! :rofl:

[Rhiannon12866]

5. Silly me! Sorry... They've changed things since I was last here...

:blush:

But my question is still pertinent. Is this worth pursuing, at this late date? I'd be extremely curious, and probably would be driven to find out, but I would have expected to find out before now, from my father. For you, you have the time to decide how you feel and then begin asking questions. This may be too new information for you to remain objective about just yet. Again, just my IMHO.

Rhi:-)

[Cooley Hurd]

6. If it were me...

I'd want to know the person. I'll pass along your advice to my 'friend.' Yes... my 'friend.'

[Rhiannon12866]

7. Okay. Please pass along my advice to your erstwhile friend.

I'd be happy to discuss this with him, anytime. I just wish that somebody, anybody, would also sign on with this one... It's heavy, and he's not my brother, oh my! Sorry...:D

Rhiannon:pals:

[Gormy Cuss]

8. Your 'friend' needs to decide whether to do anything with that info

other than file it away. It all depends on the personalities involved. Sometimes these half-siblings look and act eerily like known family, sometimes there's no apparent connection. Genes are funny that way.

One thing I can say for certain. The half-brother may be a bastard in the legal sense, but he isn't the one who caused the problem and as such deserves to be viewed as the person he is, not the product of circumstances that he didn't control.

[Rhiannon12866]

9. Thanks for weighing in on this...

I was foundering. And I agree with you, completely. This half-brother may have had a very tough life, none of which was his fault. We can't know. But a genetic connection is not necessarily a reason for making contact, given the circumstances.:shrug:

But the problem, right now, isn't with the illegitimate brother, but for the person who just found out he exists. Where does he go from here? My view is that he gives it a lot more thought. A family tree is important to those of us here. But feeling okay with what we find and know is much more so. At least that's my IMHO.:-)

Thanks...:hi:

[Cooley Hurd]

10. I meant 'bastard' in the legal sense...

...hell, I (okay, it's really me, not a 'friend') don't even know who this man is, other than the fact that he's my age, and I might've even attended school with him.:wow:

Here's the skinny; My sister told me on Sunday about the existence of this person (I'm 40 and am a bit perplexed why it took so long to find this out). Really, I'm not necessarily bummed by it (as unpleasant the notion of my Dad's infidelity is, he died before I turned 3 years old so I have little recollection of him).

Of course, I'm quite curious about his identity. But this could be unknown to him and I guess I don't want to stir up a hornet's nest by seeking him out.:(

[Gormy Cuss]

11. From a genie point of view, it's easy.

IF I were you I'd put the info in my own file to preserve the record, but don't disseminate it. It may matter to someone down the line.

As for contacting him, that one is tough for just the reason you mentioned. It's not an easy thing. I knew a girl who discovered that her best friend from childhood well into her twenties wasn't just a friend but a half-sibling and that knowledge eventually destroyed their friendship as well as causing conflicts within each's family over the infidelity and secrets. It was very sad to watch.

On the other hand, that's better than the other situation from my old neighborhood where the parents had to fess up to their 20-something children that they were half-siblings because the kids were dating each other.
:wow:

[sybylla]

12. It's always been my postion to record the truth - good or bad

about my family. Now, I've had reservations about doing that while the family members in question are still alive. Could cause more than a stir if word got out what you're lifting the rug for everyone to see what they are hiding.

I'm with Gormy. I'd record it, but keep it real low key until you know it's publicity won't hurt people.

[fudge stripe cookays]

13. Depending on the guy...

I'd be thrilled.


My real life full brother is a selfish, self-absorbed jerk. I'd love to have a sibling I could be closer to. Especially on my dad's side. I can't stand my mother's family.

fsc

[Rhiannon12866]

14. You know, you make a great point. I never thought of that...

It sounds like we have the same brother. And I've always wished for a sibling that I could be close to, as well. Good post. Thanks...

Rhiannon:hi:

[fudge stripe cookays]

15. Hi Rhiannon!

:hi:

I think it'd be the coolest thing in the world to find out I have a brother who's liberal.

One who has never had a sister, and digs genealogy and coffeehouses, and reading, and hanging out with reprehensor and I, and coming to our All-Liberal Halloween parties, and just being a cool brother. Everything I never had.

Glad someone feels the same.

[Rhiannon12866]

16. Hello, my friend! I'd just be happy to have a sibling...

Just give me a normal human being and I'll turn them into a liberal. I've been pretty effective with my two cousins.:D

But my brother is not only all those things you said, but has become a RW nut job. He thinks he knows everything because he was a political science major, but has taken to watching FAUX News and God-only-knows what he reads on the internets. The fact that he rarely leaves the house is a plus, but he does leave it to vote.:-(

And I'm also glad that someone feels the same. Maybe one of us can dig one up with our genealogy research.. Just kidding!!!:rofl:

Rhiannon:hi:

[fudge stripe cookays]

17. Hee hee!

This new job has been remarkably effective at getting me out to California for researching lines out there I figured I'd never get to check out.

I got to Sacramento last time. Hopefully next time I get out I can get to the library at Stanford for 1 or 2 goodies.

Get to go visit my cousin in L.A (never been before) and get some of her pix scanned. Then we're heading to Alberta next month for more research. I'm psyched!

I'll keep my fingers crossed for a long lost brother for ya who puts the current one to shame!

:D

[Rhiannon12866]

18. Wow! Sounds like your job is working to further your interests!

How wonderful! I have also gotten back into this, with the help of my friend here, who knows much more than I ever will. I just found a wedding announcement, with pic, for my aunt from 1946. It wasn't really a discovery, since she was closer to me than my mother, but to see her face, from so long ago, as a girl, really, was like coming home.:-)

And thanks! If I ever find such a brother, we're definitely going to have to do a meet-up! But I also knew my father well, and there isn't a chance...:-(

[Montauk6]

19. ABSOLUTELY he goes in!

It's like when I was interviewing relatives to get updates on kids; in the more recent generations, I noticed more out-of-wedlock births and the awkwardness from the relative I was speaking to. I just reassured them that there's no judgement being passed, just the facts ma'am.

[Rhiannon12866]

20. He may go in, and I agree with you, but that doesn't take into account the

emotional baggage. Lots of people have children, these days, without being married, but to find out at this late date that you have a half-brother that you never knew about and is your age, that your father betrayed your mother, that's got to hurt. That is different, and would be for any of us.x(