Cross Post from Lounge Re: Staging an intervention

[emmajane67]

Hiyaa All,

I know you are all a wealth of knowledge on, well, most stuff, so thought I could float this past the communal intelligence of the Lounge and see if you can offer any more pearls of wisdom.

I have a friend I have known for about 7 years who has a quite a problem with the drink. He is what I would call a 'high-functioning' alcoholic, as in he can hold down a job etc but the personal life is falling to bits.

He has always been a bad drunk since the first time I met him but we lost contact a while ago and have been back in touch a lot in the last year and a half (basically cos we now live in the same town).

His drinking now is a bit crazy. His girlfriend of 10 years gave a him a few ultimatums about his drinking and eventually left him at new years on account of it, he was going to ask her to marry him 2 weeks later an event which him and I had planned and he was obviously very excited about.

So, we (me and a few other mutual friends) all cut the guy some slack for a few months on account of a broken heart but it is now nearly the end of October and things only seem to be getting worse. Initially at least he had some guilt about his drinking but now he doesn't anymore.

All of us friends have been talking about it on and off for ages but have finally decided we need to do something about it. I have been giving the guy a wide berth after several nights out in a row ended with him calling the next day to tell me how he lost everything he had with him, or ended up having a wee convo with the cops, the drama is too much. I have spoken to him on a phone a bit though. Another friend called this weekend after he had to ask this guy to leave his home on Friday night on account of his behavior.

He is a lovely guy who is a way off rock bottom yet, but the problem is his rock bottom is obviously quite low and not somewhere I would like to see him end up. All of us have spoken and are all prepared to go out on a limb to confront and support our mate through this we just don't know how. He is not really close to many people so finding someone with enough emotional sway to confront him won't work and unless we get enough people in on the plan he may just cut us off. He also already lost the love of his life over this so who knows if he'll listen but we all care too much to give up on the guy without a fight.

Some ideas we have had is:

a/ we all meet for a friendly coffee and chat and be nicey nicey about it and bring in the big guns at a later date if needed
b/ we 'drop the hammer' and go for the full scale intervention with anyone and everyone we can find who wants to be involved and confront him is such a way he can't weasel out of it but risk severe emotional harm
c/ one person speaks to him in a caring but firm way saying we are all worried and want to help any way we can, all other friends are prepped and call later to offer their support and care if he chooses to help himself
d/ another option we have not thought of yet but would be very open to hearing

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Not really interested in replies such as 'not your problem' etc etc, we have to try this option first before we cut the drama out of our lives. I certainly would want my mates to try to help before they gave up.

Thanks

[NMDemDist2]

1. i'd tell him what you just told us. then MEAN it. cut him off if he's

drinking around you, don't let him suck you into his dramas.

what will end up happening (IME) is a couple of the friends won't be able to stick to it and he'll start the "triangle" going. making the folks who stick to it the bad guys and sucking in the ones who won't keep their boundaries (or can't) the savior while he plays victim. or conversely making the boundary less ones the victims while he plays savior. either way you'll end up the 'bad guy' cuz you are healthy enough to draw boundaries and stick with them.

bookmark this and mark my words, i've played all three roles repeatedly and i know of what i speak

good luck! :hi:

DH says PS, this is a no win, by confronting him you will drive him away. you will have guaranteed he will end the friendship. he suggested Alanon for you, you can't "save" him until he's ready to listen. DH says interventions often don't work especially not immediately. and for what it's worth my DH has over 20 years sober and he's seen it all inside and outside the rooms of AA.

He says it's like taking a stick and whacking a beehive, it's painful, messy and mostly just upsets the bees but doesn't change them.

[emmajane67]

2. Thanks for your help.

Good news, the friend in question canceled plans to go to a party this weekend as he realised a party is not what he needed right now, he needs to spend a bit of time 'getting on the wagon'. He called and apologised to another friend for his inappropriate behaviour the weekend prior.

It won't happen overnight but looks like he is making the first steps for himself and we can just be good friends and help him to do this. I am very pleased for him.

Thanks again for your input, I appreciate it.