The Recovery Process

[Why Syzygy]

I've never posted in this forum. I don't know if there is anything that can help.

But I will try once again. I'm a serial relasper. As of 2.5 years ago. I get sick.
People care about me. They do not understand. Nor do I.

But I'm on step one. I finally realize, I am an ADDICT. Nothing is more precious than my supply. Alcohol. It rules me. It is my Master. And it robs me and makes me insane.

I have given up trying to fight it. Have started giving it blessings. That's kind of hard.

I look like hell. Am driven to continue taking something that makes my life a daily hell of sickness and ineptitude. So many people love me and do not understand why I do this to myself.

Here is why. Because there is a brief moment when everything is right with the world. It's intoxication. But it feels real. Some people, I guess, are able to get there with a taste of wine. Not me. I need a flood of it. An ocean.

There is no help when you get to the bottom. It is something that has to come from one's own soul. And I have dissected it and looked at it and made oaths. And made myself disgusted with myself.

People keep telling me to go to 12 steps. I was there and had a bad experience. But I am committed to going to a group here called "We Agnostics". I might be able to fit in there because that sounds like no one says you have to BELIEVE. I cannot stand the lock step formula, get in a row, be in a mold that the AA I have seen is. And many addicts cannot. I've seen many people fail and die trying. I almost hope I am not one of those.

However, I think I have been convinced that the only way out is a community. Community is a very iffy thing. I'm not very good at adapting to 'community'.

Let me ask you this. All I have to do to begin is say, I cannot consume alcohol because it makes me crazy? That's it? That is the first step? Plus I cannot manage life too.

I am so outstanding when I do not drink. At least that's the reviews. But I have to be careful of that too because it can start getting to my head. Then I think I can drink!

Insanity. That's what it is. Totally insane. How does it stop? When does it stop?

edit: oops I have posted here. Correction.

[NMDemDist2]

1. check your PM n/t

[Kajsa]

2. For me, it stopped when I realized

I wasn't the one in control. I never was.
I turned that over the someone/something much larger than myself.

Yep, it took several attempts of going in and out
before I hit a sobriety date.

You are on the right track. It takes a lot of work now
to stay on that track.I reprogrammed the way I did
everything in my life. Drinking was my life, now everything
I have is built on me staying sober. If I drink, I lose it all.


You're not alone. We've all been there.

:hug:

[demosincebirth]

3. One bad experience in a 12 step program shouldn't be enough to call it

quits. Give it a chance. Some make excuses why they don't like AA or NA because deep down they really don't want to stop. Some stop going and continue drinking hoping to find a easier way(there is no easy way). AA and Na have a prov en track record, but it depends on how much you want to put into it. Good luck. and God bless.

[Why Syzygy]

4. Thank you.

I'm not going to give up. That hasn't worked out.

I guess I have this idea that it IS easy for others. It's a dark night of the soul for me.

You might be right about deep down. But that doesn't make sense either. Why would someone want to continue? Maybe wish to change the 'rules'. But not live by these rules.

[mandyky]

5. The 1st step (a la AA) is

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. I have no trouble saying I am an alcoholic or admitting my life is unmanageable but I had not given up on control, and had 4 one year stints "sober", but drank aroun 13 to 15 months because I thought I could control it better. I ended up back drinking for 12 plus years, and now I know I have to accept not only that I am an alcoholic but I can't have that control thing that says I am different, that I can some day drink again.

As for believing, I had problems there when I got sober before, and I came up with my own conception of God. I was raised Christian, but the whole fire and brimstone stuff had me mad at God. I think if one is willing to believe, and prays (not a Santa Claus list prayer) for help to stay sober and undo the wreckage in their lives, that their Higher Power will help, and also help strenthen their faith.
I think of God as a loving, always present parent who walks with me and protects me and my Christian beliefs are just in the Golden Rule and things Jesus actually "supposedly" said in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John). Organized religion is on my 4th step - I resent them. And I've had a beef or 2 with AA in the past, please find a home group you are comfy with and a sponsor, and you'll be fine.

We can even have meeting threads here! :) Good luck and God (Good Orderly Direction) bless!

[Why Syzygy]

6. Since posting this thread

and being honest with some RL people, I have received a great deal of support. I'm on my second day of physical detox. After this is done, I've got to get with the program, and have a plan to not go on any more binges. I'm a little concerned about that. But taking it one day at a time. Thanks for all ya'll's support.

[demosincebirth]

7. just don't drink, a day at a time.

[KitchenWitch]

8. If one day at a time is too long, take it one hour, one minute...etc

at a time!

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

9. "I have given up trying to fight it."

I think surrender is the key, and it sounds like you have surrendered...

Hugs and good sober thoughts coming your way...

:hug:

RL

[varkam]

10. As a stalwart atheist...

I attend, regularly, a 12-step group that has a definite religious slant (e.g. turn our will and our lives over to God). My understand of the 12 steps is that it is simply a framework. God neednt be the Christian god, the Muslim god, or really any other kind of god at all. Simply something larger and more powerful than yourself that one can turn to. My higher power is love - it's something that I can feel, and that I don't need to subscribe to messy metaphysical doctrine to sink my teeth into.

It took me a while to wrap my head around my first step. Powerless? Unmanagable? Well, if I'm powerless, then what the hell am I doing here?! Plus, my life was going fine! I was going to work and about ready to nab a 4.0 in graduate school and was in a relationship!

I was, however, wrong. I was powerless over my behavior because I had tried to stop before, several times, and could not. My life was unmanagable because I was effectively leading a double life - and it was destroying me and everything I loved. I couldn't see that while I was in the thick of it, but now with some sobriety under my belt it is all too painfully obvious. I think the key isn't just saying it, but believing it. That might take some time, or it might come quickly.

Hope something I said helped. Take care, friend.

[Why Syzygy]

11. Thank you, yes.

I like the idea of using Love, since that's really all there is, the One. I do subscribe to metaphsyics. ohhhh .

Excuse the aha. One book that really resonanted with me during on of my dry times, is the "Tao of Sobriety". I now see the concept there as turning your will and life over to (committ to) living life with the goal of loving oneself and taking actions that produce well-being, and approaching others with love. That can restore me to sanity. I need to think about this some more. Input appreciated. Whatever I turn my will and life over, I have to believe will restore me to sanity. Don't I?

Edit: also something I think posted by AzDem, can't remember exactly, said if you remove the rationalization to drink, you can't drink! As in, there is no reason.

[varkam]

12. As far as higher powers go...

I think love is a good one. It's something that, when I feel it, I know I can do no wrong if I follow it's lead. I know that what love compels me to do is what I should do, regardless of any fear or guilt or shame that I feel. Ergo, if I surrender to it as opposed to giving into fear or guilt or shame, then it can get me back. That will, of course, require participation and concentration on my part. Saying that I'm powerless is kind of a misnomer. I am powerless over an aspect of my behavior, but nonetheless, my choices will still dictate the course of my disease. For example, if I continue on with my treatment then my odds of staying clean are better than if I drop out. That is up to me. Hopefully, love is going to get me through the dark times ahead.

A book that I read recently is "When Things Fall Apart". In it, there's a very nice passage regarding aggression. Paraphrasing: All of the world, from Bangladesh to Baghdad, from Columbia to Columbine, people act to strike out against their enemies. Aggression is everywhere. Every morning you wake up and ask yourself: Am I going to be part of the aggression in this world, or part of the peace?

Aggression can really come in many forms, and it can be directed towards the self - an idea I think we are all intimiately familiar with. I think approaching yourself and others with love, or at least the idea of love, removes the tendency towards aggression. Easier said than done, but better to say it than to not.

Take care.

[Why Syzygy]

13. Interesting ..

Badly Drawn Boy - Year of the Rat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u05PNKQoZzg

I just posted this in another forum (something I 'never' do). But it came to my attention tonight and seemed appropriate for what we've been discussing. It is exactly on spot to your cite on aggression.

[Morgana LaFey]

16. And please remember

that addiction is a SPIRITUAL disease, or symptomatic of spiritual problems (as in, our relationship with our own spirits).

[Why Syzygy]

17. No one

ever put it that way. That makes more sense than anything I've been thinking. Thank you.

[Morgana LaFey]

18. Yu're quite welcome

You might want to read some John Bradshaw -- and I'm trying to think of who else identifies it that way. Hmmm. Coming up blank.

[SPKrazy]

15. Glad You Are Here Varkham!

I have always liked your posts in R/T and elsewhere, finding you here is special too!

It is hard to be "different" spiritually, as in atheist, agnostic, or other belief. I have found that most people I know in 12 step meetings are not "Christians" per se in any traditional sense (I live in the bible belt too) but many more like myself that just believe in a power greater than themselves that can heal. That is part of everything. I could call that love. I have no idea what it is and the more I have tried to define it the more it has screwn my head up with it.

I like your "love" it is something I can feel too, and I also recognize peace as part of that.

there is something about walking into a meeting that calms me down and grounds me.

Even posting here I can feel it.


Whatever that is, that is my HP.

Peace Varkham!:yourock:

[SPKrazy]

14. Hey, I'm Not A "Joiner" Either

in fact there was a period in early recovery where I freaked out thinking that 12 steppers were all some kind of "cult".

I guess we are sort of.

I'm not a lockstepper at all. I've managed to attend 12 step meetings all of my life after age 21 without being too much of a conformist.

Insanity stops when you find community, and reach out to that community before you take the drink. If it were easy, you wouldn't need that community.

I need it. I think most recovering people need some type of community- support system. I'm not going to tell you that 12 step programs are the ONLY way. They are the way that worked for me. I didn't have other options around me.

I've known atheists, agnostics, fundy christians, and confused people like myself who just know that there is something greater than themselves in this universe that is healing and has helped me.

I am powerless over alcohol, my life has become unmanageable. If everytime you drink you either lose control over the amount you drink, or you can't completely stop drinking altogether, that is powerlessness. Unmanageability is when your life is out of control and it is because of the obsession and compulsion of alcohol or drugs.

Peace my friend, and I hope you find sobriety because it is much better than being drunk or high! Even when it sucks, it's better!

[Justpat]

19. For what it's worth....

here is my bad experience early in AA. You have by now read my
earlier post and know the extreme poverty and sickness I was in when
I first came around.

So I started going to meetings every day and sharing and telling
what it was like to be homeless and hungry. Some self righteous
member of the first group I went to contacted the state social
services agency where I lived and told them I was an unfit mother.
I was investigated and had to go to court - the whole nine yards.
Several members of AA went as character witnesses and told helped
me a lot. But one member who had been sober sent me a letter that
helped me more than anything.

In the letter she said that there would always be people for
whom the meetings are just a port in a storm. They come to get
away from their families anger and their own problems. But they
never get the program or make any move toward sobriety/wholeness/
whatever you want to call it. We cannot say that these people
cannot come to the meetings. Everyone is at varying stages of
health. But we can realize that the steps of the program are
principles that have been around as long as there have been
spiritual teachings. We work the steps ourselves and let go of
people who cannot step out of negativity. For our own sobriety,
we must step past them.

I hated the person who did that to me. I really hated her. But
between my sponsor, the friend that wrote me a letter of encouragement
and the other people at the meetings, I somehow got sober and
started to make a life for myself and my daughter. My daughter is
now being paid by a wonderful college in VA to finish her masters in
literature and have offered her a teaching post there when she is done.
I have become semi-sane and as happy as I want to be. The woman who
interfered in my life early in my sobriety did not stay sober and
died about a year after she turned me into the family services.

AA is full of people like me who destroyed their lives through
alcohol addiction. I chose not to make AA a port in the storm and
instead used it as a means of becoming something better.

OB