On Reconciliation

[varkam]

I've been having an odd feeling, lately. I think it's a result of getting some sobriety and some distance between myself and my addiction, but I'm having the feeling like I'm two different people. I'm not crazy - I realize that I'm really just one person. I don't have dissociative identity disorder or anything like that, at least not as far as I am aware. I suppose that if I were crazy, I would probably be too crazy to realize it. Anyway.

I was walking back to my car from classes one day and thinking that I've always had this sensation that there was a part of me that was missing which I was trying to fill with my addiction. A "hole in my soul". I realized though that there was never a part of me that was missing; it was only hidden. It was hidden underneath these layers of fear, shame, secrecy, denial, and self-hatred. As a result of me hitting my bottom, those layers have been peeled back and, underneath, was the part of me that's been missing. My addict.

My addict is really me, but a different form of me. Not the young man I'd grown in to, but rather a scared, angry kid with no idea about how to cope with life. Now I'm at a loss.

I feel conflicted on how to deal with this aspect of myself. I know what needs to be done, and I am committed to my program of recovery, but I don't know what stance to take towards "him" (I put it in quotes because I realize that "him" is me, but it's useful in discussing this issue). I know that some or many addicts are angry with their addiction. They fight it and kick and punch and scream at it. They revolt against that aspect of themselves with all their energies - and I can't say I blame them.

But honestly, that's not how I feel. When I first realized that I'd effectively buried an entire aspect of myself through rationalization and denial, I felt love towards myself for the first time in my life. Not love in a self-important, "I'm so great" sense. Rather, I felt love towards myself akin to the love a parent might have for a sick child. I would've hugged "him" if I could.

With that, I feel like I should accept my addiction for what it is. That's not to say I should resign myself to it - as I said, I am fully committed to my program of recovery - but that is to say that my addiction is a part of me. I should love myself, and therefore, I should love my addiction as well. That might mean doing some pretty hard things, such as continuing with meetings and therapy, but I mostly just want "him" to be okay again. He's been killing himself for years, and dragging me down with him. I don't want to let him do either.

So I hope this post wasn't too strange, and I hope someone here as some idea as to what I mean. I'm just wondering if anyone thinks reconciliation is a good idea, or if it's even possible.

Thank you.

[Why Syzygy]

1. I'm not sure ..

Have been thinking about your post ever since reading it earlier.

I don't think I have an 'inner addict'. I think "I" am an addict. Based on my understanding of the book I mentioned in the other thread, "The Tao of Sobriety", which makes a lot of sense to me, is that I do have different 'voices' or 'thoughts' that present themselves at random in my mind, or the so called vacant space that I am. If you sit still, you can hear them/see them/feel them, however they express themselves. We hear them all the time. Much of the time they are at odds with one another. Eat another donut. No don't eat another donut. ad infinitum.

At least one of these 'thought forms' in my mind is convinced that the best way to go about life is to drink without end. Or, just tonight. You can stop tomorrow. I've actually had a dream of this little bugger and he was throwing bricks to break the windows out of my house! He got arrested and they found all kinds of sharp weapons in his apartment. Quite visual. And he is sneaky. Do I label him an addict? Not really. He is certainly in favor of addiction, evidently.

My job is to pay attention. When he pipes up, and he always does, so far (with increasing committment to sobriety, I believe he loses some of his power, but is always there), I have to be aware enough to say, Love (HP) take this on. Heal this (him). Badgering him won't do any good. I can call him a liar, because that's a fact. And remind him that our agenda is Love and Well Being.

I haven't always done this. It takes a change of focus. I guess it takes turning it over to Love (HP). I'm still very new to this brand of the steps. But someone told me recently, and I believe her, that it takes Action. That's the part I'm still fuzzy about. But I keep it in mind.

Don't think this answered your question. I found it odd that in one part of your post you say:
When I first realized that I'd effectively buried an entire aspect of myself through rationalization and denial, I felt love towards myself for the first time in my life. .. see if I got this straight .. an aspect of yourself "addict" . was buried through rationalization and denial .. which is actually the same thing, isn't it? Isn't R&D part of addict? The addict was hidden by the addiction? Just trying to understand. I wonder if what you mean is how I felt when I finally labeld myself "addict" (I'm supposed to say alcoholic ;) ). But that's how I became aware of it. "I" am doing something that I know is against my well-being, hurting people who love me, having lost any direction in life, and it is INSANE. Yeehaw! I'm an ADDICT! It was a great relief for me too, because there was a web of denials. I could face it! Let the Recovery begin.

I'm sure others have more insight into your questions, and you'll find the resolution.

[varkam]

3. As is often the case...

the rationalization and the denial was what enabled me to believe that I didn't really have a problem. Once that was stopped, I could see the addiction for what it was. It's part of the addictive system - impaired thinking - but in a way it kind of hides itself.

And again, I don't mean to speak of "my addict" to try and distance myself from my own actions. I fully realize that my addict is really me, but it just helps me to be able to conceptualize it by talking about it in those terms as it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I can have these two very polar sides. In other words, it doesn't make a great deal of sense to me yet.

[Why Syzygy]

4. It doesn't make a great deal of sense

to me either. That's why the concept of naming them "thoughts", as opposed to polar parts of "me" was helpful. I can have opposing thoughts without fragmenting myself.

[varkam]

5. Perhaps you're right.

Although, in a sense, I am a fragmented person. I have lived, for several years now, what is effectively a double life. In one life I had perceived myself to be a decent person, yet in another life I never really examined the person that I was; primarily because I was afraid of what the answer would be.

In the long-run, though, maybe it would be better if I think of my addiction as just an aspect of who I am and not some other person inside of me lest I run the risk of eventually convincing myself that - "Hey, that's not really me - it's just my addict!" That's something I don't want to do. For years I would shirk responsibility for my own actions through rationalization, minimizing, and denial. Now that I have a chance to change that, I don't want to go back to thinking that way.

[NMDemDist2]

2. a better word than reconciliation is perhaps integration

dealing with the ego is a big aspect of recovery, but you must honor your ego while you are gently removing it from the driver's seat of your life

the ego (or as I call it the Lizard Brain) has a very important job. it's the part of you that pulls your hand away from a hot stove, tells you to RUN from the biting dog. it's one and only job is to keep you from dying. unfortunately from a lizard's point of view it doesn't recognize the damage it does with it's actions

the ego will use anything and everything in it's power to "save" you. it uses addiction to protect you from emotional hurt because it fears pain above all else. what it doesn't realize is pain isn't always fatal and sometimes the symptom is worse than the disease (so to speak)

honor your ego for protecting you from hurt, reassure it that you will be safe as you walk through pain and that the pain won't kill you. promise your ego that you will not die and that all is well

then buy it a Ninetendo and send it to the corner out of your way as you do the work you need to do to fill that "hole in your soul"

recognize that part of you has protected you the only way it knew how then get on with the actions of dealing with your fear. we are not in the business of "ego smashing" but rather we strive to get "right sized." you can learn humility without being humiliated

in time (and you probably won't even realize it's happened until some time later) your ego will start to trust you to drive the bus and will stop trying to 'save' you anytime anything hurts

then integration will be complete, as will you!!

this is my experience only, your mileage may vary

welcome to this forum, to recovery and to the rest of your life :hi:

[SPKrazy]

6. I think (and this may sound hokey) that you do have to accept that the addict

is part of you

and love that part of you and allow that part to be with you, but set firm limits with him so that he knows clearly where your boundaries are with regards to your addiction.

My addict has tried to kill himself and bring me down too, I have to let my addict be "okay" so he can grow in a better way.

that's just my two cents worth

[varkam]

7. Thanks, SPK.

My initial feeling is that you're probably right. I know I've still got one hell of a lot of work to do, though. Your two cents is certainly appreciated.

[Justpat]

8. The sober part of you is just not as strong as the addicted

varkam yet. It takes time.

The longer you are sober/straight/ whatever - the more the
sober personality gains strength. In a way you are two people
right now; the old addicted varkam and the new sober varkam.
As the sober days add up, the new varkam simply becomes who you are.
Thats why we do it a day at a time and why a really good sponsor is
a necessity.

Hope this makes sense. But I am familiar with the feeling you talk
about and remember it from the earliest days.