I'm having trouble with the fourth step

[varkam]

Also known as the moral inventory. I hear from other addicts that they had trouble with it as well as it wasn't clear to them, and isn't to me, exactly how one should go about writing one. I wanted to post here to express my current understanding of it, and to see if anyone else here could share their experiences with working the fourth step to hopefully give me a hand with it.

"Made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves" - that is the step that I'm working on. It always has helped me, when confronted with a word problem, to get the meanings and the definitions of the words straight at the beginning so that I don't work from flawed assumptions. In my mind, there are four words that bear some extra attention in this step: fearless, searching, moral, and inventory.

To me, fearless is synonymous with honesty as it's use here is concerned. In other words, I should not consider anything "too bad" to leave out of my inventory. I take searching to simply mean that I should be thorough and to consider possibilities that I have perhaps not yet considered. Moral is a tough one, but the definition that I'm trying to work from is the set of beliefs, attitudes, emotions, and assumptions that represent the ethical underpinnings of our action. That definition is perhaps a bit circular, but it's the best that I have right now. Lastly, I take inventory to simply mean a written account of what is contained by some entity - in this case, my character.

So now that I think I have my definitions laid out, I need to decide how to start this. What I'm thinking right now is that I need to take some time and try to recall actions in my life that I regret, that I knew were wrong when I committed them, or that I know now that they were wrong. Something tells me that's going to be quite a long list. After I do that, in keeping with my definition of "morals", I should then try to examine the underlying beliefs, attitudes, emotions and/or assumptions that either motivated the behavior or made me feel okay about doing it. That, as well, should take quite some time.

After I do those two things, though, then I think I can look at what I've written and try to identify a common theme with the things that I've done wrong. As a result, I imagine that will give me some pretty good insight into what the defects of my character are.

So that's where I'm at now. For those of you who have done a fourth step, what do you think? Am I making a mistake somewhere along the line? Are there other things I ought to consider? Any assistance, advice, or observations would be very much appreciated.

[NMDemDist2]

1. everybody makes such a big deal out of the 4th step and need not

the book tells you exactly how to do it

first column --who you are upset with/about -- edit to add, these should be the things you lay away at night thinking about, the stuff that's eating you up

second column -- a quick description of the issue

third column -- what was affected, you have 5 choices, 1. self esteem, 2. security 3. ambitions 4. personal relations and 5. sex relations

4th column should be done with your 5th step person but again you have only 4 choices 1. selfish 2. self seeking 3. dishonest 4 frightened

and then after you talk it over with your sponsor or whoever you do one more column

what should/could I have done instead?


don't write a freaking book, put down 5-10 things on the back of an envelope and go talk about it

you can't do it "right" you can only do it wrong by not doing it

you'll get to do it several times but with practice you can do a 4-8th step in 10 minutes with a trusted friend on any aspect of your life. and no matter how much you write in early recovery you'll had stuff pop up as time goes on

the thing is to get some down and done. the healing starts as you do the 5th step and you start to see your patterns of behavior and what coping mechanisms you use. then you can learn better ways to cope but first you have to search out YOUR patterns so you can start doing things different

good luck and remember the longer you stay in the 4th step trying to get it "right" the crazier you'll get

trust me on this :evilgrin:

[SPKrazy]

2. That's Good Advice

you sound like my first sponsor, the back of the envelope thing

I've never heard anyone but you and him say that.

the other thing I picked up on is what I believe as well.

The only way to screw it up is to not do it.

don't get analysis paralysis

it is a moral inventory, not an immoral inventory so be as objective as you can, write stuff down, then go and share it with someone you trust.

simple, not easy, can't screw it up except not to do it.

SPK

[NMDemDist2]

3. analysis paralysis

I'm stealing that one :evilgrin:


:hi:

[SPKrazy]

4. Hey I Stole It!

actually I'm thinking it was a civil rights leader that coined it, but I've heard it used many times by recovering persons.

:pals:

[NMDemDist2]

7. well it's certainly a more loving way of saying it than what i usually use

"Mental Masturbation" is what I usually say. as in "Quit jacking yourself off and get to WORK!"


:rofl:

[SPKrazy]

8. Well I've Certainly Heard That As Well

or rationalization and justification are like masturbation, they're fun, but you only end up fucking yourself!

:rofl:

Gosh, I hope saying things like that doesn't get the thread locked, it isn't literal.

[sandnsea]

19. "coping mechanisms"

Having done a few different types, this is the best 4th step to use. Making a list of resentments is a good place to start. People. Insitutions. Principles. Do they threaten our self-esteem, money, ambition or relationships. I found a few consistent patterns when I did this specific list.

Also, everybody has destructive coping mechanisms to some degree or other, I would imagine. For the alcoholic though, it seems to me mechanisms that have been developed to enable continued drinking are particularly important to look at. Picking fights to go drinking. Demeaning loved ones to deflect attention from the drinking. Exaggerating personal problems. Etc. I remember when I quit smoking, I had to give myself permission to sit down because I'd always used 'smoke break' when doing chores. That's pretty mild, but all those patterns have to be dealt with. The biggest one with drinking is STILL rug, fireplace, and wine. *sigh* Anyway, I thought I'd throw that in because I think people sometimes don't face the fact that they made up reasons to drink, as opposed to truly drinking to cope.

[NMDemDist2]

20. so true sandnsea

but that's pretty advanced inventory stuff IME

took me while to see those patterns

[Why Syzygy]

22. During a five year

drinking spree, years ago, I went to meetings and counseling and it finally dawned on me that I was being self destructive. Then I wondered why. After particularly self punishing nights out, sometimes I felt exactly as I did as a child when I was 'punished'. IOW, I gave myself a spanking.
That one is just weird.

I'm still struggling with being sober. However, recently I was dry and hanging out with sober people. I remarked to the woman who oversees the group that I didn't feel 'worthy' of all that love and respect. She said another woman in the group had made the same comment.
Why do we hate ourselves? Will an inventory answer that question?

[Why Syzygy]

5. If I were you, I would go with

what AZDem suggests. She is more current and in practice with the program you are working.
I've been more all over the map. WFS says forget the past. It was sick and defective and we don't have to act that way any more. (Simplified version) Although personality changes are required to bring about a changed life.

I really like the way AZDem spelled it out. Cliff notes. It does get hairy. I had a wonderful sponsor who did my fifth step. She even took notes (she was a teacher). The neat thing is I don't remember anything I told her. And she wasn't shocked by anything.

I'll mention this book again, "Tao of Sobriety" .. it does not contradict 12-steps. It's just a different angle. There are exercises, one of which is to write down all the mean stuff 'the voices' tell you. I think you're kind of on that track, if I get your description correctly. My inner stuff can torment me. It can remind me of every time I 'screwed up' or did not live up to my integrity code. That would fit in the columns, I guess. I just made a long list. Every little jab 'they' (my conscience maybe?) has hit me with. The next step is to consider oneself innocent. We didn't sign up to be addicted, and if we did, it was without full consent. Or whatever your belief is. Coming from a perspective of innocence has helped me greatly. Then you look at the list, and as you describe, write a brief description of the circumstances, and why you were doing the best you could at the time, given the set of circumstances. I found a lot of freedom and forgiveness with this method. It isn't a 'fourth step' per se. But it seems to give all that negative chatter an outlet and then they shut the hell up!

When I began sobriety in 2000, I had a sponsor. I was really trying to do the program again. But I told her, I don't really have any resentments. I can't do a fourth step. I wasn't 'mad' at anyone. What a wasted emotion that is. She said, then just write down your fears. That started me thinking. To this day, I watch out for what I 'fear'. It just works that way.

You'll get it right.

[NMDemDist2]

6. one must remember

there are 7 more ACTION steps after the 4th

the 4th gives us a road map of our bad behavior and a way to take responsibility for it and change it.

whether we 'choose' to be addicts isn't the issue. the issue was and is always how we behave. we are responsible for our actions, drunk or sober.

When you own your actions (good and bad) then you have the ability to do them differently. You can change the 'negative chatter' by action but only when you accept your part.

"The rule is we must be hard on ourself but always considerate of others." (BB pg74)

It is crucial we find how we make decisions based on self that put us in a position to be hurt (ibid p62)

The 4th & 5th is only about shining a light on our bad behavior so that we can begin to change them with 6-9.

If the inventory shows we are an asshole, or a manipulative user, or a passive aggressive controller or any of the myriad ways we try to get our own way and we do nothing to change those behaviors, we are no further along than where we started.

Steps 6 and 7 are just short paragraphs but they are chock full of action, believe it or not. They tell us we have to be willing (there's that 'W' word again) to STOP ACTING LIKE THAT! And to consciously ask for and attempt ways to do things differently. The BB is heavy on the God/prayer stuff in these steps but there is more WE have to do than just wish it away.

When I was at steps 6&7 it seemed that every day threw opportunities in my face of my bad behaviors. I would find myself over and over in situations that I would normally respond just like I had so many times before that were listed in my 4th step. What I did in those weeks and months was to take a section from what AA calls the 11th step prayer and try to practice it.

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

For me, I was always trying to get people to see it MY way, to do it MY way, to love Me.

When I turned that around and tried to hear what others said, what others needed, to love them and treat them like I loved them I started changing.

For example (and then I'll quit already LOL)

I worked at a restaurant for years and years that was owned by a family. I had some difficult relationships with some of those people. I started practicing that part of the St Francis Prayer at work. I started listening to what THEY were trying to get me to do. I started asking how I could help THEM, I started striving to understand what was important in THEIR eyes. And followed up with actions based on THEIR needs.

What I can tell you is within a month, I had better relationships with that family that I ever had in the 18 years I worked for them. I started being glad to go to work and they were glad to see me (and let me know). To this day I am close to all of them.

And what I can tell you is that THEY didn't change. They are still the same people they were for all those years. But our relationships are close and caring today because I changed. It's not to say I was a doormat or that I let them take advantage of me. Only that I was willing (there's that damned 'W' word again) to be of service to my fellows.

It is the ACTIONS that change our lives. We have to start to do it different. Our old patterns will drag us back over and over until we learn to do the actions replacing the old behaviors over and over until the old habits are replaced with new healthier habits.

ACTION ACTION ACTION. and it doesn't happen overnight, it takes dedication and practice to get there over months. It takes mental discipline in the moment, day after day.

But the reward is a new way of thinking and living that is so much better. Remember, our 'best thinking' got us to our bottom. You can't think your way into a new way of living, you have to LIVE (act) yourself into a new way of thinking.

[mandyky]

9. Many people get the 4th and 5th step confused

In Chapter 5 (How it works it tells you how to do your fourth) of the Big Book.
Mostly you are listing angers, fears, resentments, and then figuring why you have them - prestige, fear, insecurities, etc. You are inventorying feelings that make you drink - anger, fear resentments.
Step 5 is when you share with you sponsor or spiritual adviser the bad stuff you've done. But step 4 helps you compile step 5, 6, 7, and 8.

[NMDemDist2]

10. you learn your lessons well Grasshopper!

Good to see you!!

:hi:

[mandyky]

11. Thanks!!

I am mentally working on my fourth step now, and it isn't that bad, yet!! LOL

[Kajsa]

12. Remember, this is an ongoing thing.

The 10th Step spells it out.

http://tinyurl.com/ybof9o


10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

You don't have to nail it the first time out.

"More shall be revealed".

:D :pals:

[NMDemDist2]

13. LOL true dat! don't we all know it too. n/t

[Kajsa]

14. Hi AZ Dem!

Yep,

"progress not perfection"

I love that one!

:pals:

[NMDemDist2]

15. "We are not Saints"

:rofl:


:hug:

[Kajsa]

16. That one cracks me up, too!

:rofl:

:hug:

[varkam]

17. So there WILL be a re-test....

Whew! :)

[NMDemDist2]

18. yup, but then you'll already know how it goes and won't be hestitant

jumping right in there.

So how's it going? Got that envelope filled out yet?

[varkam]

21. I do

But I just got a sponsor and I'm going to check with him. If I have to do some writing it won't bother me too much - I think it'll be therapeutic for me.

[SPKrazy]

32. What!!!!!!1111!!!!

you mean I have to KEEP doing this stuff!

dammit

I thought I'd be done

long ago

but alas, there is always some fresh hell to deal with, and some new or old defect of character, of being a HUMAN and living life on life's terms.

Good thing we don't just have 9 steps!

[Justpat]

23. I wasn't too crazy about that one either.

In the beginning, I couldn't just do the steps - I had to turn them
all into passion plays.

I think I tried to do a fourth step too soon, which for me was in the
first year. After I had been sober for a while, I did my fourth step
without much problem. But I had had to go back to the second and third
steps. I needed to start from a place of unconditional love found in
those steps. The second step for me was where I found not just a power
to restore me to sanity, but a power who did so because it loved me
beyond all reason. Then doing a fourth step was not so much an emotionally scary task as it was a liberating step closer to wholeness.

I took the program seriously and have daily cherished the opportunities
for growth it provides. The fourth step is like wiping the smudges
off a window. When you are done you can see yourself clearly and without
any fear.

All the best... OB

[Why Syzygy]

24. "Unconditional Love"?

Is that's what is there? Tell me more, please.

[Justpat]

25. I think the second step was the most important for me.

Although it is a relatively simple one, entailing a mind shift to believing
I could be restored to sanity, it ended up being the step that turned
my sobriety into one of absolute fearlessness and a positive nature.

I came to the program financially, emotionally and physically devastated.
I had the emotional make up of someone much younger and also with
the religious baggage of 10 years of Catholic school.

Through the steps I learned that if the god of my childhood no longer served
me, I could establish one on my own now.

Through a lot of seeking, I learned to trust a God who had my best interest
at heart in all things. I think what I am trying to say is this: if the God or
spiritual belief you came into the program with doesn't work for you - throw it
overboard and find one that loves you totally.

I felt nothing but rage when I first approached this step. I came to it with the
mind and heart of a spiritual infant. I experienced a series of events that I
have chosen to call miracles. They were not huge. The most important came
at a time in my sobriety when I was still unemployable and had run of means
to care for myself and my four year old daughter. I was hungry. My sponsor
told me to tell God I loved him, express my situation, and then let it go
knowing that I would be taken care of. I was so desperate that I did what I
was told. I had run out of the canned spinach and sugar chickens left over from
Easter that the local food pantry had given us a few days before.(It was a tough
time for a lot of people, I guess) So I said my prayers and then went out into the
yard to rake leaves and straighten up. A big UPS truck came along, the driver
leaps out, runs over to me in hurry, hands me a box and says, sign here. So I
did. Inside the box was 12 frozed filet mignons.

It can be explained away by sayng it was a driver error, whatever. but it changed
my life. I learned to trust in a being who does not let me down and who is always
present in my life. I realize that some reading this will think I am still cracked,
more than a little nuts. So be it. The result was that it made me fearless about
realizing that all the truly horrible things going on in my life at the time had a
solution.

It made me realize that the spiritual principles of the program have been around for
several thousand years, and they work when you work them.

All the best. OB

[NMDemDist2]

26. so many little miracles in those first days

I, had no HP when I came to AA

but, like you, I was told to do the actions and leave the results up to 'God'

so many miracles happened once I took the action. I was told that belief + action will lead to faith, and so it did in my case.

I only had to believe it worked for you and take the actions. From the results of that willingness to believe I gained faith.

Slowly and surely faith edged fear out.

Another wonderful story OB, thanks!

[Why Syzygy]

27. That is the danger

we face when we go fearless. Wonderful story. Thank you for your reply.

It makes me think that, I don't know if this happened to you .. but getting to the 'end' ... and making that surrender moment, or many moments, is so key.

Without being rude, may I ask why you with 26 years posts on this forum?

btw. God works in my life even while I drink. Gives wonderful presents. This god has not abandoned me. Abandonment is a non-starter.

Is it possible that the force/spirit who has been with me the whole time is going to be the one to bring me out? I thought I had to change forces.

[Justpat]

28. I post here for the same reason I still go to meetings.

Whether you have been sober a day or twenty six years, we all do it
a day at a time.

[NMDemDist2]

29. I do meetings and this forum to practice the 12th step as well

how would I have gotten sober if the folks who came before me "graduated" and weren't there to carry the message to me?

I remember my feeling of gratitude to those people who's lives were busy and happy taking time to listen to me, answer my questions and tell me what they did to stay sober.

I can never re-pay that gift but I try to pay it forward.....

[Why Syzygy]

30. you are influencing me to

want to go to meetings. I normally have a very hard time with meetings. Long story, boring history.

But your posts have given me something I want.

[Justpat]

31. A really good sponsor helps.

I still have the same sponsor from the beginning. I have never
found anyone better. She is so positive and lives the steps.