Finding what you're looking for

[varkam]

I don't know how long I have longed to be close with someone. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to truly know someone else and be known by them - and to bask in that mutual acceptance. Of course, as an addict, that was the one thing I could never really have. I convinced myself that I had to lie, that I had to stay distant, that I couldn't love or be loved, all in order to live in the shadow of my addiction. I thought that if anyone knew I would never stand a chance of being truly close with another. Little did I know I could never really be truly close with someone, myself even, unless they did know. That was the crux of my addiction - the lie that being close and open was too dangerous. It was, but only for my addiction. Not for me.

When Sarah discovered my addiction, she was shocked and didn't know what to do. I wish that I would of had the courage to come clean with her long ago, and not start building our relationship on lies, but that's one of my character defects - I am too beholden to fear. Nonetheless, she saw, firsthand, all the darkness in my life. The secrets, the things I was so terrified of anyone finding out, she found out. What's amazing to me is that she is still here. I've all but shattered the trust between us, yet she believes in me.

The point is that I've found what I've been looking for. She knows everything about me. I've come completely clean with her. I've told her about all the lies and half-truths. All my errors in thinking and delusions. She knows what I've been hiding for most of my life - and she loves me. That is something for which I am thankful for daily. My only regret is that I wish I would have realized so much earlier that I had what I was looking for all along, but that I was just too afraid to reach out.

Thanks for reading.

[KitchenWitch]

1. And thus is one of the paradoxes of addiction

Without facing the darkness of one's own inner nature completely necessitates that one does not experience true intimacy with another.

I am glad Sarah is still with you, in spite of all of the baggage of active addiction.

[SPKrazy]

2. That's Neat Varkam

we all find important people in our lives that we share time and space with. We need to find people that we share ourselves with because I truly believe that we are only as sick as the secrets we keep.

It's none of my business, but is she in any 12 step recovery herself?

I've found that a relationship has to be built and remain centered around spiritual principles (I don't mean religious, but rather 12 steps and traditions) for it to work. At one time I think I thought I had that in my own marriage, but somewhere along the line that left and we are nowhere near that anymore.

I truly hope that Sara continues to be the person in your life that loves you and nurtures you, and you her.

SPK

[varkam]

3. Thanks, SPK

She's not doing the steps herself, though she has in the past.

I hope Sarah stays in my life as well. She's an amazing woman.