I am a Sex Addict

[varkam]

This is something I've almost posted several times. It's something I've almost noted. It's something that I've almost included in previous posts, but I've always been afraid to do so. It was no accident that I left it out in my previous posts, intending people to think that I was an alcoholic or a drug user. I've never really been a big drinker, and I've never really used drugs. But when it comes to sexual matters, I'm a wreck.

Sex addiction is a fairly broad term that can encompass a wide variety of sexually compulsive behaviors. For me, it was habitual and compulsive use of pornography, multiple physical and online relationships, and consequently, dishonesty when it came to sexual matters. Pornography was an every day thing for me. I could (and did) stay up all night, sacrificing sleep, work, and academics to download pictures, movies, and pursue sexual relationships in a realm completely devoid of any sort of spirituality. I would look at picture after picture, convinced that the next one I saw would be the best. It was never good enough. I hurt people who cared about me and wanted to be close to me because I could never really allow anyone to be that close with me, lest they discover my dark secret.

I spent so much time legitimizing the secrecy by convincing myself that no body would love me if they knew - so I should never ever tell anyone. I spent so much time rationalizing the exploitation being depicted on screen by telling myself that this is what they wanted to do. I would tell myself that they are just pictures and I'm not hurting anyone - that it's harmless. Worst of all, I would tell myself that I was not addicted to it. That I could stop if I wanted to.

Deep down, I always knew all that was bullshit. Occasionally, my better parts would win out and I'd be overcome with guilt and shame. Chasing the euphoria of climax only to come down lower than where I had started out. I remember one time particularly vividly. I was talking with a woman who I was particularly infatuated with on the computer. We had probably talked for three or four hours. Sarah, my girlfriend, had gone to bed sometime before. When I finished up, I stumbled into the darkness of the bedroom, dropping my clothes on the floor and sliding quietly into the bed next to Sarah - careful not to wake her. I started crying, trying so hard to be silent. I so desperately wanted to find a way out in that moment, but I didn't know how to do it. I felt like if I uncovered one lie that would mean my whole house of cards would tumble down. I was too damn scared.

So instead, I would just try to manage it on my own. I would delete everything, all the pictures and the movies. I would break off all the relationships besides the one that mattered, and swear that I would never go back to it again. I think the most I made it is three days. Three days of good solid sobriety out of ten years.

So the inevitable pattern of binging and purging reflected the intense pattern of my intimate relationships. I would get close with a woman, and then (not that I realized it at the time) become terrified of having to be open and honest so I'd do something really stupid to break up the relationship. I've hurt so many people, and they would never understand why.

I've had a few important physical relationships with women - all of whom I have hurt. I can't tell you how many online relationships I've had, but I'd guess it would number into the hundreds. I honestly cannot say how many pictures and movies I had on my computer...and I don't think I really want to know anyway. I've hurt my parents, because they have loved me more than anything and have always said I could talk to them about anything but I never trusted them enough to take them up on it. I know if I would have, they would have helped me and loved me - just like they do know that they know. I've hurt my friends, because they have all had to make sacrifices to support me through this. I've hurt Sarah in a way that I can't even begin to articulate - I just thank my lucky stars that she is still willing to work with me. I've hurt myself in an awesomely horrific way. Last, I've also hurt all the people in the pictures. Each and every single one of them. Thousands. Tens of thousands of human beings with hopes and dreams and fears and loves and I treated them like objects. They were someone's mother, someone's sister, someone's daughter, and I treated them like property. I know some make arguments that pornography is a legitimate choice for women, but I remember their faces and I just can't help but wonder, is that the life that they want or are they trying to pay the rent? Are they being empowered or is the degradation as obvious as it seems?

I don't know what the future holds for me. I have no idea where I'm going to be in a years time. I don't know if I'll ever get back into graduate school, or if I'll be able to fulfill my ambitions. I don't know if Sarah's patience with me is going to hold up. There are lots of things that I don't know. Among the things that I do know, which are precious few, is that I am a sex addict.

[Broken_Hero]

1. varkam

You are very...brave to do this, to face the music so to speak. I know that you will overcome this (in time)....just never, ever give up brother...:hug:

[salvorhardin]

2. Over at NG we've all missed you

You are braver than you might think. To share something this personal takes a whole lot of courage so I know you have it in you to get through this, to overcome your addiction and be the person you want to be. Grad school will be there for you when you're ready, for now though just worry about working on yourself and your relationship. Hang in there, and you know how to get hold of me if you ever want to talk.

[NMDemDist2]

3. admitting you are powerless was the 1st step

welcome to recovery :hug:

[Why Syzygy]

4. You have a chance.

I have heard good things about some S&LA groups, if you are inclined to take that route.
I bet sharing it here is a great relief for you. Congratulations. As AZDem says, first step.

I was hurt tremendously by my ex-bf's porn habit. I didn't know he had one. He told me about it, but expressed no remorse or desire to change. I would have accepted any move in that direction. We don't stop loving people just because they have an addiction. As long as you are WILLING and take some action, hopefully your relationship is safe.

Wishing you all the best. You are in my prayers.
(There were a whole lot of people praying for me. 25 days sober today, and I feel like a different person.) You can do it.

[NMDemDist2]

5. 25 days ROCKS!!!

:hug:

[Why Syzygy]

6. I agree 1000%!

It's been awhile since I've seen that mile marker. I'm looking forward to my 30 day celebration this weekend. Someone gave me two tickets to a comedy club! I've never been to a comedy club.

This past Saturday I went to a pot luck gathering and 'everyone' was drinking alcohol. There were many bottles of wine. I was not tempted in the least. One woman even offered me a sample taste of hers. Not interested. Other than that, I've been hanging with the non-drinkers. Way cool.

You are a big reason why this is working for me this time. I'll never forget it.
BIG :hug:

[NMDemDist2]

7. glad I could help

but it's your willingness and actions that are working for you today

:bounce:

[Kajsa]

10. Congratulations on 25 days!

That's fantastic!

:hug:

[yardwork]

8. You've taken the all-important first step

Take it one moment at a time from now on. There is no need to look far into the future right now. Just let yourself handle it one moment at a time. When you feel panicky, just breathe. Don't use - moment by moment.

Stay where you feel safe. Communicate and spend time with the people who help you feel safe. It will get better. I know.

[Kajsa]

9. Varkam, this took a hell of a lot of courage and

honesty to come out and admit you have a problem.

Denial is more than a river in Africa, it's a
friggin ocean that some people can never cross.
You just made it to the other side.

Everyone who has posted ahead of me has said it all.

You've taken the first, big important step.

You are on your way to recovery.

:hug:

[varkam]

11. Thanks all

It means a lot to me to know that I have support, as I know it's going to take more than myself to recover. I actually took the first step some months ago - I'm now working on making my amends. I guess I just wanted to explain a bit further what my problem is. I was a bit shy at first, because I wasn't sure how people would react to "sex addict"...but now I realize it doesn't make me some kind of monster. It makes me an addict. :)

[Why Syzygy]

12. Coming to terms with

being an 'addict' was a major for me. Also, when I listened to what those who are recovered (recovering . whatever) were saying and writing, it became clear that I had to CHANGE. I could not go on living as the same person, with the same perceptions, thoughts, actions, and expect to stay clean. It's an ongoing process, but it has begun. I can't really explain it; do not fully understand it. It has something to do with 'surrender', I think.

[NMDemDist2]

13. you can't 'think' your way into a new way of living

you have to live (action) your way into a new way of thinking

take your body and your mind will follow ;)

[SPKrazy]

15. Isn't That The Truth...

you can act your way into right thinking better than you can think your way into right acting...

I wonder what kind of response that would get in the lounge? Mebbe I'll post just for an experiment.

:shrug:

[NMDemDist2]

16. ROFL

if you do, PM me the link, this I gotta see.....

:rofl:

[SPKrazy]

14. Not Going To Say Much Here...

but you aren't alone ya know...


:hug:

[SPKrazy]

17. Say a little more...

someone once told me a tale of addiction... it was a Texas tale (I don't live in Texas but was familiar enough with the Aquifer analogy)

It went something like this:

People don't build basements in areas where the aquifer is because it means the water table is really too high to build one as it will inevitably leak... but if you build one, that leak will come and you can patch the leak... soon the water will find another way to leak in... patch that and soon another leak... patch that and so on and so forth.

The only real solution is to fill the basement up and give up the idea of having the basement.

I liken the aquifer analogy to my life in recovery from addictions. I have been the basement owner in Texas. I was able to patch the alcohol and drug leak... and my life changed and got much better. Then leaks have sprung along the way with behaviors such as sexual addiction, overeating, and escapism of other kinds.

One of my favorite persons in the field of addictions is Patrick Carnes, a psychologist who is a pioneer in the field of sexual addiction treatment. He has done research and found that the average addicted person has an average of 3 addictions. So I know I'm not alone in my attempts to patch the basement rather than fill it.

Right now, I'm working on filling my basement. I recently had thought I was getting it filled, and I suppose that as it gets filled in, if we cease working on it (half measures and all) the risk of new leaks takes place. I'm far from finished, and as we all know, when a leak appears, it never appears in a vacuum so to speak, there are others that are affected and it isn't as easy as just patching it and filling it and covering it up. It has to be addressed fully, dealt with, steps have to be taken (aka worked) to make this happen.

I realize there may be those who disagree with my analogy, and my ideas here. That is fine. I only know my own experience, and I know what has happened to me. I also know that I don't believe there are many coincidences when it comes to this recovery stuff.

So, again I commend Varkham for his bravery. I only know that my basement couldn't be filled without all of the help I've received from many different parts of the recovery community. I know that AA, and NA have helped me a lot. But other 12 step programs have been part of my life for some time too. I think that one has to look at recovery as taking the things that are killing us and dealing with them first.

More will be revealed...no shit!

Peace

[NMDemDist2]

18. the onion analogy, more will be revealed as we peel layers

but I prefer to think of it as an artichoke instead

with an onion, peeling the layers always results in tears, but with an artichoke, you peel the tough thorny layers off, often getting pricked in the process, but eventually you reach the sweet, soft inner core that's the tastiest of them all

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

19. That soft inner core

scares the bejeebus out of me sometimes!

:hi:

[NMDemDist2]

20. peace and love take courage my friend

any fool can attack and lash out or hide in fear

it takes great strength and courage to face your own weakness, to embrace it and soldier on in spite of the vulnerability

:pals:

[SPKrazy]

21. Thanks Friend!

that is very nice


:hug:

[SPKrazy]

22. Keep on Keepin' ON!

It is tough recovering from one addiction, never mind trying to get clean and sober and deal with this at the same time...

my thoughts and good vibes are with you today and every day!

I'm hanging on and your posts and seriousness about your recovery inspire me!

:pals:

[varkam]

23. As does your support

Thanks, SPK. :pals:

[SPKrazy]

24. thank you varkam!

it's a struggle day to day...

i'm having to back away from even DU because my addiction wants to find it's way into every nook and cranny of my life.

and i can get triggered by things that others might find "normal".

i also seem to get sucked into drama easily and do my fair share of adding to that drama i'm afraid.

all of this is middle circle behavior, meaning it is in between healthy behavior and bottom line behavior.

i need to focus my time in the outer (healthy)behavior circle because what i've been doing is leaving me empty, angry, hurt, and frightened. all things that i have enough of in real life without borrowing them from the internets.

i've also had someone i trusted "spying" on me, reading my posts here on DU, even in this forum. i understand there can be no expectation of privacy, however this person knows this is "my place" and chose to read me anyhow.

(and this is a "real life" person)

so i struggle today my friend, but i have made it again, one more day!

tomorrow starts the challenge over again.

this addiction is perhaps the most insane for me. 21 years sober and clean, and struggling with this all that time. unreal in fact, surreal.

i imagine that my post will be read by few, but hopefully my words are plain, and my intention clear.

i will not act out today! i will not be shamed, badgered, or pushed. i will not buy anyone's false guilt trip for something i haven't done. i will not play the game today!

thanks for your patience in letting me have the privilege of posting here. it is a privilege to be amongst my friends who are sober and clean on du.

and varkam! we shall overcome, one day at a time my friend!

:pals:

[varkam]

25. Thanks, SPK.

I understand totally about addiction wanting to get into every aspect of your life and about being triggered by the oddest things. Focusing on your outer circle behavior is always a good thing, and it's something that I need to do more of. I've mainly just been trying to stay away from my inner circle stuff and haven't really been doing the good things for myself that I need to be doing.

Thanks for your honesty, SPK, and thanks for your friendship.

[SPKrazy]

26. I hear ya friend

it is so damned hard to focus on the outer circle for me, I'm so much better at focusing on "avoiding the bad things" and not on doing the good things. It's like I'm allergic to the good things sometimes, or maybe allergic to the idea of them. Because if I do things that enhance my growth and spirit, and recovery, I feel GOOD. Oh no, can't have too much of a good thing!

:shrug:

It's enigmatic for me sometimes when I look at my actions and thinking.

thanks to you too Varkham!