I came here because

[Control-Z]

I was, what I feel, attacked in a GD thread. The attack reminded me so much of the narcissistic alcoholic/addict I am married to. A man who projects his sickness on me and uses me. I am so tired of it.

He attacks me. He hurts me. He sabotages me. He uses my children.

And after almost every attack he gets around to admitting he was wrong - but then claims that he's doing the best he can. "At least I'm sober", he'll say. I try to take the path of letting it go but I know there is alway another attack lurking just around the corner - an "opportunity" to use me to feel better about himself. And he admits that too. He says he just can't help himself.

I tell him he needs to STOP it. He tells me I need to accept it.

I know, I know. I hear you screaming "Alanon". That is what he says, and I gave it a try while I still loved him and was still sucked deeply into his illness. But he hasn't changed and I KNOW him now. I am past the point of wanting to understand or help him. I just want him to go away so I can get on with my life. I don't care what he does any longer as long as it doesn't include me. We don't live together. We haven't for years and I only remain connected for the kids. I will never get back together with him. So where does he get off thinking it is still my job to make this non-relationship work?

This attitude of "I can't help using you as a psychological punching bag so you need to learn to live with it" is just bullshit. Why would I want to? The free license he carries for inflicting pain on me in the name of sobriety is extraordinary. AA is his excuse for everything - to do ANYTHING.

I came here because I wanted a place where I could scream that out loud. I wanted to complain to you, the members, about what your program has done to my life. How sick and tired I am.

I wanted to hate all of you for being part of a program that seems to promote a selfish, hurtful lifestyle.

Then I noticed some of the members who frequent this forum - DUers I have talked to. DUers I feel I've gotten to know a little. DUers I really like.

Now...I don't know what to say.

[KitchenWitch]

1. I am so sorry you are experiencing this

As I am sure you are aware, not all in AA use being in AA to justify their own nasty behavior. When a person is honestly using the AA principles in their lives, the positive changes can be astounding. I have met my share of people in AA who behave just like your ex does, using AA to justify it. Think about it like people who use Fundamentalist Christianity (or Fundamentalist anything for that matter) to justify heinous acts. I wish it did not happen, believe me, I do. But it does. It sounds to me like he may need counseling to be able to see how his behavior affects others. The rub there is that he has to become willing to go to counseling.

Now, I must admit, that I am human, and not all of my behavior is above reproach, but when I am truly living in the principles of AA, my behavior towards other people is far more civilized.

I am sure you heard this in Alanon, you can't change him, but you can change yourself. And because there are children between you, you will still be involved with him, on some level. What you need to do is find a way (whether it be Alanon, assertiveness training, counseling, etc.) to lessen the effect of his behavior on your life. It is not easy. And I am not able to do that for you. I think detachment may be one of the keys to this for you.

Again, I am truly sorry you are experiencing this.

If you ever need to talk, you can call me.

[NMDemDist2]

2. i'm so sorry

there is a percentage of alcoholics who suffer from grave emotional issues that their alcoholism masked

AA can help many of them, but not all

I'm glad you have left, I'm glad you recoginize what behaviors are unacceptable to you and that you are willing to protect yourself

I hope you find what you need to do to protect yourself and your children from abuse of all types, and soon.

As KitchenWitch said above, the actions you are describing are against every principle of AA that I have learned. What he is saying and doing are NOT the principles of the program of AA.

:hug: God Speed your journey and I pray you find the tools you need to keep yourself and your children safe.

[Justpat]

3. The program does not encourage or advocate that type

of behavior. It is designed to eliminate that sort of behavior from
our lives.

The steps are used to make us free of that ugly, limiting thought and
action in our lives. It sounds like your husband is using it as a
rationale for his nasty, controlling behavior.

Good for you that you didn't buy.

Like AZDem, I wish you a wonderful life of joy and safety, either
with someone else who values and treasures you for yourself - or a
life of strength and joy by yourself. Whatever is best for you, may
you find it soon.

All the best... OB

[Kajsa]

4. Hi Dancingalone,

I had no idea you were going through this BS with your ex.

Like KW, AZDem and Old Broad have stated, his behavior is not condoned by AA
in any way, shape or form. It's quite the opposite, he needs to work on getting rid of the stinking,
hurtful behaviors he had when he was drinking. It sounds like he hasn't done that at all.

One of our steps is to make amends to people we have hurt.
A big part of the amends is to not continue that behavior.
" I'm sorry" means nothing if the person continues with the infliction of pain.

I'm glad you're getting away from him.
He has a lot of growing up and recovery steps to do.

Meanwhile, you take care of yourself and your kids.
Tell Mr. Half-measures what he is doing is BS and against the principles of AA.

Good luck to you and please PM me if you ever need to talk.

:hug:

Kajsa

[wildeyed]

5. Some people are sober and some are only dry.

Others have grave emotional issues that are beyond the scope of AA to address. I could tell you some stories about that......... I don't know where your ex is in that spectrum, but AA is NOT free license to hurt others. I am sorry you have to go through this :hug: Protect yourself and your children as best you can and watch out for GD, too. ;)

[Broken_Hero]

6. .......

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

7. Sober Up A Drunken Horse Thief...

and you may still have a horse thief.

I think that the program does in no way promote a selfish or hurtful lifestyle.

It sounds to me like your SO is not much of anything except "dry" from alcohol and is not truly "sober". There could be many issues that cause that. He may not be working the steps. He may have a personality disorder that needs addressing. He may have another mental disorder that could be treated. He could just be a non-drinking asshole as opposed to a drinking asshole.

I think you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself and your children. If he is a narcissistic personality disorder (beyond what is "normal narcissism" in addiction) then he may not change without losing things around him that matter.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Alanon is not to change him, but to help you heal, sometimes healing means that you have to leave to take care of yourself... and the kids.

:hug: