Hi, I need help. Holding onto my sanity by the skin of my fingernails...

[MediumBrownDog]

I'm sure my tale will make many of you tired and roll your eyes, but I need some help from others who have been where I am. And I just need to come clean with someone.

I drink. I'm a disgusting "functioning" alcoholic. It's not fair to my 2 year old child or to my husband or to my dogs.

I have no reason to drink. My life is perfect. It all started when I had a baby at age 40, stopped working, and was suddenly a bored stay at home mom instead of a career woman. Too much Dora makes that chilled bottle of white in the fridge look waaaaaay too tempting. Once you take that morning drink to alleviate your hangover, it's really hard to get off the train.

I don't drink and drive. I'd rather have dry heaves in the car than endanger my child. But I pop that bottle the minute I get home from taking him to his church daycare (where they look at me as the perfect mom), telling myself "I'm weaning off. I'm fine. I'm totally fine." I'm not. My mother picks him up and brings him to me in the afternoons, so for whatever reason, I think I'm entitled to that perfect afternoon buzz. The downside of that is, of course, throwing up in the kitchen sink at 3:00 a.m. when the nausea interrupts your sleep.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't deserve it. But I'd like to know how any of you who have been in my addiction shoes got out of this nasty syndrome and gained sobriety. Don't say AA. I can't go there. I've tried, and I don't like interacting with people enough to make it work for me. I'm going to have to suck it up and do it on my own. Rehab is also not an option.

I don't post much, but that's not because I don't love this site. I do. I'm just a somewhat private person, and the fact that I'm reaching out right now is an indication of how much trouble I think I'm in.

Thank any of you in advance for your thoughts.

Medium Brown Dog

[jschurchin]

1. Hi MBD

Well you took the first step by admitting you have a problem. This is a good thing, however to think you can begin to recover from an addiction "on your own" is very difficult. I am not saying it cannot be done, it can, however the success rate is extremely low.

The 2 key's for me are honesty and spirituality. I tell everyone, and I mean everyone, that I am an recovering addict, and I thank my higher power every day for letting me open my eyes and giving me strength to face another day. I do not associate with people who drink or do drugs. If someone I know wants to do that, thats up to them, but they know I will not be around them, I don't babysit.

I am in some ways like you, I am a private person and I do not attend meetings. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I haven't, I have, it's just that it is not good for MY recovery. Recovery, FOR ME, is a very selfish thing, it is about me.

You need to get honest with your family, tell your husband what you have told us. You need his help and support because you have a problem with alcohol. Tell your friends and neighbors the same thing. No one ever said getting sober was/is easy. It is, pardon my language, a motherfucker. But IT CAN be done. Will you be embarrassed? Yes. Will you feel like shit? Yes. Will you think people look at you differently? Probably. But how important is getting sober to you? Remember this is about you. Your husband can not drink for you, neither can I, neither can any of the other posters on this board. Only you can make the decision not to take that first drink, we can only support you in that decision.

Let me tell you, I was a hardcore opiate addict, I spent between $400-$600 a week on drugs, and I have been sober now since January 14th 2000. I live my life one day at a time, lord willing I will make through today sober, so far so good. I never forget where I came from and always remember that I never want to go back. If I ever use again I WILL DIE. This is a fact. I know this because I know me.

If you want PM me. I will be glad to correspond with you. And if not, talk to AZDemDist6 or KitchenWitch. Both these ladies can be a great help to you.

Best of luck MediumBrownDog

John

[NMDemDist2]

2. first of all MBD, you have a disease so you are not disgusting

and you do deserve sympathy and love. That is the first point and I'll make it again.

You have a chronic, progressive disease and you deserve every chance at health and happiness, NOT scorn or disgust or pity.

Many Many people have tried to 'suck it up and do it on their own' and some succeed. but sadly most do not.

I am assuming by the fact that your dear daughter goes to a church day care, that you have no problem with the concept of "Higher Power" so AA's message is a good fit for you.

I want to emphasize that the meetings are not the AA program, the AA program of action is outlined in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous". Many have got sober with just the book alone. Most, however, find it helpful to have some support from others who have been in your shoes and can share what they did to stay sober.

Whether you 'like people enough to make it work for you' is not really the point is it? The point is how willing are you to do what it takes to break your addiction and to start down the road to health? If you are willing to go to any length to save your health, sanity and care for your family then you won't dismiss any option that may be helpful to you?

I don't care for going to the doctor's office, getting mammograms and pap smears either, but recognize they are actions I must take to maintain my health. AA meetings are the same way. I go now to share my experience with newcomers like you, and to see the friends I have made on this road to happy destiny I now walk. But I assure you, it didn't start out like that.

I sat, shaking and miserable in those rooms the first weeks, hat pulled down tight over my eyes in physical and emotional pain I can't describe to anyone who hasn't been there. But I suspect you may have an inkling of what I'm talking about.

So you asked for thoughts and here's mine. Go get a copy of 'Alcoholics Anonymous' at the bookstore or library and start reading it (esp pages 58-88) find a story in the back that you can relate to and read what that person did. If you have questions or need help go to a meeting. or you can PM me and I'll be happy to assist you in finding the right actions for you. But, in the end, YOU have to take the actions to get well.

:hug:

[Kajsa]

3. Hi Medium Brown Dog,

I concur with everything AZ Dem. stated.

Trying to get sober on my own didn't work because my
alcoholic mindset talked me out of it, everytime. There
was always a rationale for my drinking, when I was in charge.

So, meetings and talking to other alcoholics became a necessity
for me to get on the right track. I too sat alone and shaking for
the first week or so. I was scared but I knew that the only other
option for me was drinking myself to death. That's not much of
a choice, IMHO.

Like AZ Dem said, get the Big Book, check out lots of different meetings.
I found some meetings I couldn't stand and others I liked a lot. Yeah, they
can vary that much.


Let us know how you're doing.

We care and we've been there.

:hug:

[KitchenWitch]

4. I understand that you are a private person

I totally get that. I also know that a lot of people lose everything, including life because of the shame attached to having this affliction.

I am not saying you cannot do it alone, I know I cannot do it alone. As AZDemDist6 said, I also suggest you get a copy of "Alcoholics Anonymous" and would add that you also get a copy of "The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous". Both of the books will outline a program by which you can stay sober.

Since you are also drinking pretty much all day long, I would suggest you get to a doctor, tell him or her what is going on, and ask for help with the detox from alcohol, because cold turkey can be very dangerous. The doctor can give you medication to prevent the seizures and DTs for while you are detoxing. If you do go that route, DO NOT DRINK with the medication.

You may find that you would like some support in your new life. That is the purpose that meetings serve in my life. You have taken a big step in admitting this to us. Whatever you decide, I do hope you find recovery. I am so grateful for my sobriety and recovery.

[RaRa]

5. I'm just beginning sobriety

MBD, I'm also a stay at home with a "perfect" life. So, if I rolled my eyes (I didn't), it would have been as in "oh, yeah I get that!

I stopped drinking a couple of years ago only to start up right before getting pregnant with my youngest. I stopped for that pregnancy only to gradually start up again. I have now quit. Big difference.
What's helped me is understanding that my brain has always reacted differently to alcohol. While my life didn't revolve around it until later years, I now realize that I always craved more when I drank. That's what makes us different than non-alcoholics.

If you can go to a counselor, I really recommend it. I was resistant to AA too, but realize that simply being around alcoholics who have been successful at being sober for years really helps. It helps to be in a room full of people who understand you and won't judge you. I don't feel like such a freak there. Plus, doing it alone just gives your mind opportunity to play the games that gets you back to drinking. I went to a meeting last night where the whole discussion was about spirituality. I feel NONE of that. So, it was a bit ironic to listen to all of the talk. But it won't keep me away. Don't let it do that for you. You don't have to interact with anyone if you don't want to. Just keep the sobriety dialogue going on in your mind (meetings, counselor, your husband). Telling my husband (I was the straitest acting drunk you'd ever meet) helped immensely. I don't plan on telling anyone else for a long time. That's my business and how I want to handle it. You have to find your way. Just know that you are not alone; there are plenty of women like you (and me) out there.

[NMDemDist2]

6. welcome RaRa

:hi:

great advice and glad to have you here :yourock:

[MediumBrownDog]

7. Thank you all for your comments and please keep writing. You have given me hope.

The fact that I am up typing this at 1:50 a.m. is evidence of how far I have to go. I remember how great sleep was when I was sober. I have been going to bed at 8:30 p.m. and waking up at midnight and calling that "sleep" for weeks now. I am very lucky that my constitution allows me to do that. Or maybe I'm cursed, as my ability to do so has let me get away with my bad behavior for a long time.

Boy, the AA stuff is really a challenge. I have gotten that same advice from the two people who know how gone I am. I'm just not sure I can make that move to walk in the door that first time (again), because I am guaranteed to see someone I know. (I live in a very big but also small town that I grew up in). That is what scared me off of AA other than being a private person. It seemed that every single meeting, I was seeing someone I knew and was terrified of being "found out." Each time I saw someone, I talked to them and wrote it off as a "learning experience" for one of my lawsuits. Pathetic and not fair to them, but in any event, I think they "knew." I'm not fooling anyone.

I don't want to be a drunk anymore. Everything -- EVERYTHING -- is easier without a hangover and puking in the kitchen sink. I get that. I have been here, in this spot, 4 times before in the last calendar year. I have great excuses. Miscarriages (2 in 5 months), dying dogs (two put down in one summer), and utter boredom. Yet I read about real issues on this board and I feel so small. There is hunger, inequality, war, and predjudice. Why the fuck can I not straighten up and fly right in my privileged life? None of the serious issues apply to me. I have a lot of nerve even posting this stuff when all of this is going on. I have a roof over my head, a husband who loves me still, and money to burn.

Having tossed that guilt off of my chest, I want to tell you all once again how grateful I am that you wrote me and shared your experiences. I feel no judgment from you at all. Maybe I need to give AA another chance. Maybe only those who have walked in these shoes can hold my hand. And I would like, once I am sober, to return the favor and hold someone else's hand. I do not want anyone to stand on this ledge and not have a friend.

Thanks again. Please continue to write me, it really really REALLY has helped. MBD.

[NMDemDist2]

8. pain is not relative MBD

your pain is just as real as anyone else's

pain just "IS"

I'm willing to bet most everyone in your town knows you have a problem with alcohol. we all think we are so hip, slick and cool and find out later we weren't fooling anyone but ourselves

get yourself right then realize how much you have to share and how much you can do for the community around you to help the problems you mentioned

get your own house in order first, you'll be amazed what miracles will occur from there

:hug:

[MediumBrownDog]

9. Everyone in town probably does know.

And I see (as of 5:00 a.m.) that 77 members of this board have read my tale and know all about my issue. I have had several moments in the past year when I have thought about posting in this forum, but I did not. I didn't want anyone to "know". But I finally did because of what you just said. Everyone probably knows anyway, and I had to finally admit that I needed help.

Thanks for caring. You guys rock. I'm crying as I type this. MBD.

[jschurchin]

11. Hi MBD

A lot of tears will flow during the course of your recovery. We have all been there. I can't tell you how many times I would be bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason other than I felt there was no hope.

But you know what, there is hope, and help, from the people who are like us. You see, we KNOW how you feel and the pain and struggles of being addicted to a drug. Make no mistake MBD alcohol is a drug, just like pot, pills or any other mind altering substance.

I have to tell you, I was thrilled to see your other post about giving AA another chance. Remember there are no last names at meetings, just "Hi, my name is John and I'm an addict". And to tell you the truth I can give a flying fuck less who see's me at a meeting because it is about ME being sober. Always remember that MBD it is about you being sober and staying that way. And if other members and true to AA then they won't talk about you outside of meetings anyway, thats why what is said in the rooms stays in the rooms.

Well I got to go, BIG HUGE HUGS. One day at a time MBD.

:hug:

John

[wildeyed]

10. It's a disease and it doesn't respect income or class.

I had a friend who used to get drunk on $100 bottles of wine every night, but she was still passing out and pissing in her bed at night. Same pain for all of us.

I really hated meetings when I started going, too. I found speaker meetings (where people stand up in front of the group and tell their story for 1/2 hour at a time with no group discussion) more soothing. They were larger and I felt more able to stay anonymous. There was also an AA club in my town that I loved. I knew where it was and there were meetings at the same time every day. Took a lot of the guess work and anxiety out of it for me.

Also, remember that the people you see at meeting that you know are there for the same reason that you are. They have a problem with alcohol and they need help. :hug:

[LearnedHand]

16. You're telling my story

Hi, MDB. Today is my 4-year sobriety birthday, and I was EXACTLY like you. High functioning. Knowing better every drink. And so against AA and all it looked like it was almost for. I refused to go to AA where I lived before because there was NO WAY some religious AA nutjob was going to preach to me about what a sinner I was and how "god" could help clean me of my sin.

But, I moved far, far away from the Southern town I lived in, and fate (circumstances? the Universe?) consipired to get me to my first AA meeting in my new hometown. Surprise. It was NOTHING like I imagined. The people were bawdy, funny, crass. And wonderful. And they were EXACTLY like me.

I don't go to meetings every day, every week, or even every month. But I have surrounded myself with very close friends, all of whom are recovering addicts like me. They have all had a huge part in strengthening me in my sobriety. I never knew how much fun I could have without alcohol, and how rich my life, and how WONDERFUL my sleep (I think someone else mentioned this).

I think my point for you, if I had one, is that you should try different meetings in different places. Your local central AA office should have some kind of listing of all the meetings, and if not, you can find a database of meetings online. In addition, if AA truly is NOT what you need to help you, you can try another approach called Rational Recovery. I love their philosophy, but they spend a LOT of time trashing the AA philosophy along the way. If you can pick through that, you might find something helpful for you.

The major thing that helped me most? The AA thing about surrounding yourself with other recovering drunks. I swear to all that's alive, that part of the program works. And that other thing that my best friend and I call the procrastinator's approach to sobriety: When you feel like you want a drink, just put it off until tomorrow. Tell yourself you'll probably drink tomorrow, but for now, you'll just wait. Or if tomorrow is too far off, put it off for an hour. Or 15 minutes. Just keep stringing those 15 minutes together for a while. You'll find you have procrastinated yourself into a solid week of not drinking after a while.

As my best friend says, "There's NOTHING in life that's so fucked up that we can't fuck up WORSE by drinking over it." Love, hugs, and much good luck to you.

[MediumBrownDog]

12. Thank you for all the PMs and support.

I am struggling, but you guys have helped me immensely. This is not the best or worst day of my life. It is not a sober day of my life. But it is the most sober day of my life since I posted on this board, and for that I have you guys to thank.

I am trying to say no to wine. One moment at a time. I am planning to come clean to my husband by the end of this weekend. I have to have a moment that we can sit quietly while the toddler is asleep and I can tell him. Everything. I am determined. You guys have convinced me that it is a matter of life and death. Lifestyles be damned.

Thanks for everything.

MBD.

[wildeyed]

13. ......

:hug:

[Why Syzygy]

15. This may sound strange

coming from me, who relapsed a week ago after 58 days. That was the longest time I have had since 2004. As well as doing AA, as has been suggested here, I want to tell you about WFS, Women for Sobriety. We were posting on an MSN board, but I think they have gone back to yahoo. When I first found them we had boards at e-groups. There are not many f2f meetings. However, the program also maintains that we have to CHANGE. It is just one more possible method you may want to check into.

I guess the basic problem I have with 12-step stuff is the tearing down. That could just be my perception and experience. At the time I found it WFS did what AA could not, and that was give me hope. I have a lot of experience with recovery and the industry. Even though it may be an accurate observation (drunks are losers), I have a really hard time with that approach. When I'm lower than the belly on a worm, pointing out that I'm less than just makes me want to drink again. There was a short phase my drinking used to bring on when I felt 'successful'. It might only last about 20 minutes, but all the crap my drinking brought on was somehow worth those 20 minutes of feeling okay about myself.

Your post reminded me of WFS because many of those women have small children and families.
I do not. My son is 28 and lives 1300 miles away, has his own new bride and promise of a bright future. My mind mulls that if I had a family, people there EVERY DAY who love you, without limit, it would be more worth it for me to be straight. I'm very lonely. I used to never be lonely. It is a very bad emotion. I voluntarily gave up legal custody of my son when he was 2. His dad is ten years older than I and was in advanced stages of alcoholism. I thought the love cure would work for him. (He eventually had to get sober to keep his job and has been ever since). So that means what I'm now writing probably has absolutely no bearing on reality. I made that decision at the time so that my son could have health insurance, his dad made 4x my income, I knew from experience that his dad would never give me a drop of child support, plus he could enjoy flight benefits as his dad worked for a major airline. By a series of events, he came back to me at the age of 7, after his dad had moved him 2000 miles away for two years. Those were the hardest years I've ever endured. The problem at that point was that I had taken up drinking full steam. After about nine months I could not stand it. I was endangering him and not living up to Mom potential. I got sober for my child. Years later, he told me he had never seen me drunk. Which was not true. It used to be impossible for people to tell when I was drinking. That has changed by now. I did not want him to grow up with a drunk mother. What horrors. He avoided that, but now, 20 years later, he has been exposed to the drunk mother syndrone. Still no fun.

The point of all this is to say, when I read your story, and those of the women on WFS, something nags at me .. if ONLY I had a family .. if ONLY there were people around who love me all the time .. I would have a REASON. That is surely faulty thinking. But there it is. You don't get any do-overs on raising kids. It is a one time shot. I so hope that you do it sober. Of course you need a program and something more to fill the void. But you have a love machine right there. Plus a loving husband. Your son may never have to experience the lost feeling of having a parent who is 'not at home'. You may never 'forget' to pick him up from school. You may never get a letter stating that you passed a bus while it was unloading children, of which you have no recall and you would never do. You may never be too sick to show up for important events. None of this is to heap guilt. I understand fully that alcoholics have the guilt meter set on High. Guilt is not a motivator. Love is. Isn't it?

One thing I learned in AA was gratitude. It feels good to be grateful for all our blessings.
You have a little two legged gratitude messeneger there. He can run on the beach. He loves mama taking pictures and going with her to kick up the sand. You have painted a wonderful picture. Enjoy.

[SPKrazy]

14. Hi MBD...

I understand about what I will paraphrase as not being a joiner. I never liked being around people unless I was pretty well lit up. Going to AA meetings made me so nervous that I don't know if I would do it today- but the circumstances of my pain were such that it was a measure of costs vs. benefits, and frankly I was too scared, and in too much pain to know what else to do. So I went to AA meetings.

There are people who sober up without meetings as has been mentioned. There are also smaller groups sometimes. Perhaps even checking out online meetings, coming here for support, reading the literature, and even getting a sponsor through the AA website? I don't know really as it is a damned hard thing to do period, and having people to support you is important.

I wish you the best MBD, it is not a good place to be, and I know that it was very painful for me.

:hug: