An update from MBD

[MediumBrownDog]

Many of you have asked me to keep posting and updating, and so I am.

I did not get up at 2:00 a.m. and drink this morning. If this has to be measured in small victories, then that is mine for today. I stayed in bed until 5 and then told my husband that I was up. It pissed him off enormously that I woke him up (another sign that I need to clear the air, I often tap him on the shoulder when i get up to say "hey, I am up, I'll get the baby, etc" but this morning he almost took my head off because, according to him, he was tired having been up "taking care of me" last night. I didn't think I was that hammered, but evidently I was. Nice. Happy St. Patrick's Day, woo fucking hoo).

As you can tell, I am over myself. I am over my self-destructive habit.

I appreciate all that you guys have told me. I appreciate your patience and your kindness in listening. Taking time out of your busy (and admirably sober) lives to hold my hand .... well... I just can't say enough. Today is Sunday, and I am going to try to make a good day for my family without drinking. I'm going to focus one minute at a time, one second at a time if that's what it takes, on not drinking. I will take my precious son down to the seashore and let him run on the sand. I will have a camera in one shaking hand and a bottle of seltzer water in the other. God willing, he will remember that and not "drunk Mama." He has never said that, but I think it of myself. I don't want that for him. Soon he will be old enough to know, and ... that cannot happen. It cannot.

My other decision this weekend, which I believe has been the longest weekend of my life, is that I am going back to work. For my life, sanity, and sobriety, I have to be busier than I am right now. I know that work is no "easy fix," I drank when I was a professional too (not NEARLY to this extent) but it is a start. I'll be out of the house, away from that bottle, and able to run to an AA meeting at lunch without explaining to anyone where I am going. (Yeah, guys, you have gotten through. I'm gonna go, I'm going to keep going until I find a group that fits).

So, that is where I am. I'm going to have bad moments today, I know it, and I will keep posting. God bless all of you.

MBD

[RaRa]

1. Great for you, MBD!

It's a very important step, you're taking. I think you'll also find that all the guilt you're carrying will lighten up too. You seem to feel really guilty about your habit and the "privileged" life you lead. This addiction isn't just for those with lousy finances. It can grab a hold of anyone. And as you start to really get that, you learn to blame yourself a little less. We're all responsible for our drinking, but the addictive quality, I believe, is in us from the beginning.

You can also look forward to eventually feeling wonderful in the morning when you wake up, and that is a fantastic feeling!

[NMDemDist2]

2. if I may be so bold as to suggest.....

get sober first. get a job later.

In my experience the first few months take a bit more than 'slipping off to a Noon meeting' once in while.

good luck, MBD, we're pulling for you!

[Kajsa]

3. You're off to a good start, MBD.

I'm going to be bold too, and strongly suggest that you
have your husband spend some time with your son so
you can get in a meeting, today.

Believe me, it will help you immensely, especially in the beginning days
of sobriety. You will be much better equipped to deal with the rest of the day
and evening. Let them know you are in day Number One. If it's a good
meeting, you should have no trouble getting phone numbers of other
members to call. Get as many as you can and use them!

Try to concentrate on getting to at least one meeting a day.

God Bless you, MBD and please let us know how you're doing.

:hug: