To My Fellows

[varkam]

One thing that's been on my mind lately is progress. The past few weeks, members of the fellowship that I attend have articulated frustration with their perceived lack of progress in recovery. They say that they still have the cravings, that they still slip and they still fall. They wonder if things will ever get better and, if so, when.

To be honest, I've wondered that too. I've been working my program, and I have a sponsor, yet I still have to fight - and like hell, sometimes - just to stay clean. I find it's so very easy to slip back into my old ways of thinking and believing, the rationalization and the denial. I look back at the work I've done and sometimes feel angry that I have not transformed into something else...something other than an addict.

But tonight I took a step back from that frustration and realized that I have been changing in important, tangible ways. Even though I still struggle, other things have been changing for me - things I thought were life-long and just part of who I was turned out to just be products of active addiction. I'll give a couple of examples.

I have always hated myself. I've always been my own harshest critic and my own worst enemy. I hated everything about myself. My thoughts were stupid and unoriginal. My body was ugly. My speech was clumsy. My work was shoddy. Nothing was ever good enough for me. Pushing yourself can be a good thing, but for me it had gone far beyond that - I was pushing myself into the ground. Since starting on recovery, though, I've realized that I'm actually starting to like the person I'm becoming. I'm noticing changes in the way I view myself, I'm noticing changes in the way I view other people, and other people are noticing the change too.

Sarah and I actually have conversations now. It's like we really connect, and that's something that I've never had before. Oddly enough, since my bottom, our relationship has never been better. I'm a lot closer with my friends and family, as well. That is all probably a result of the rigorous honesty that I've been trying to hold myself to.

Speaking of honesty, I can't ever remember being this honest. I always used to think about how I should say something that would paint me in the best possible light, about how I could minimize my own responsibility for my actions. Now, even if something is bad, I don't really even think about it before disclosing it. I speak with an honest heart now, and that's something I never even thought that I had.

So while we may have urges and cravings, while we may still want to delude ourselves into thinking that the old ways were the good ways, all I think we have to do is to be honest with our progress - to look at the changes that we have been making - and we will realize that even despite the struggles and it will be self-evident that this is a new life. A new life that brings with it new opportunity and new happiness that could never of been revealed to us while we were drowning in our addictions.

[Why Syzygy]

1. I don't know how it is for you ...

But, I notice that nothing 'bad' happens when I am not drinking. Since my original relapse, almost three years ago, a whole bunch of 'bad' things happened when I drink. All my relationships suffer. I scare people. There are too many and I won't go into them all here. I'll just refer you to the Big Book of AA which predicts "jails, institutions or death". You might add, "friendless, homeless, jobless, mindless, no morals, etc. It is stark contrast.

[idgiehkt]

2. thanks so much for that post, varkam

There is a level of honesty in your posts that I really appreciate. My drug of choice is alcohol but I also struggle with other compulsive behaviors and codependency. I know what it is like to battle the cravings and compulsions on a daily basis, even though I have been sober for a combined 15 years (a relapse 5 years ago that was one incident). However I have been struggling with addiction that entire time. My codependency can really flare up and kick my ass if I am not careful, and it has in the last couple of months thanks to my 'rescuing' behaviors and always falling for the 'sad story' which ends up biting me in the butt a lot of the time. I did a 'rescuing' behavior yesterday, which might have been something better left alone. I've expressed frustration in the past that every time I attack my addiction from another angle, it morphs or moves into another area and I have to work on that. There are certain compulsions like eating disorders and codependency that I think people have to struggle with on a daily basis, even if we manage to put down the 'drug of choice'. And an eating disorder is not like a drug/alcohol addiction, in that one must deal with it many times a day. For me these destructive behaviors can put me in a tremendous amount of pain and there is no numbing effect like with chemicals. I am wholly and completely ready to let go of my codependency and rescuing after what I've been through lately, and try to take care of myself. This is kind of a new area for me because whereas before I had kind of a vague awareness of it, now I can really, clearly see the damage these behaviors do to my life and the pain they are responsible for in my life.

These are just kind of some thoughts your post inspired, thanks for your honesty.

[Justpat]

3. Progress - not perfection.

This was one of my most hated slogans in the beginning. In typical compulsive fashion, I wanted to
be all better right away. It took me a lifetime to get to the gutter. After a year or so in the
program, I accepted that there would be no quantum leap out of that gutter. I took it a day a time,
a step at a time.

Then one day, after many years, I realized that I had accomplished a great leap that way.

Hang in there. It gets so much better.

All the best.. OB


:hug:

[varkam]

8. 2 steps forward and 1 step back, right?

That's how it feels sometimes, but I know I am making progress. It's just slower than I would hope, but I know it's there.

[Kajsa]

4. Thanks Varkam, for stating so well the nature

of our addictions. Like many here have said, your honesty is one of the strongest
weapons in your recovery.

Lying became second nature to me, when I was drinking and using.
I even shared with another DU AAer last night that I would hide the truth
about my addiction like my life depended on it.
Because when I was out there, my life was drinking and using.

We still have the disease of addiction.
It's similar to what my SO is experiencing as he just found out last
week that he has diabetes. He's also in our program.
So now he has to change what and how he does things, again, to stay alive and healthy.

But we, with the help of our HP and this program
can arrest it, one day at a time.

But I never delude myself into thinking I've graduated.
I've gone out too many times in the beginning to know that
this *&^%^ disease is waiting for my defenses to come down
and the stinking thinking will return.

It's One Day at A Time.

:hug:

[varkam]

9. I wish I could graduate

I bet we all do. I joke around and say that once I've worked the 12 steps I can get my ring and cap and be on my merry way. If only, right?

[Kajsa]

10. Hi Varkam!

An oldtimer said just the opposite to me
when I first came back, this last time around.

He said,

" if you find someone here who thinks he/she knows
everything there is to know--Run like hell in the opposite direction!"

:rofl:

Short answer,

I want to stay teachable- it keeps me clean and sober.

:hi: :hug:

[varkam]

11. That's a good way of looking at it

Thanks :D

[SPKrazy]

5. It's one of those things...

where you can see the progress usually only by looking back and realizing how far you've come... in a relatively short period of time.

I know that I can't tell you when I stopped craving alcohol and other substances... but I can tell you that I fought with the craving and the want to use for what seemed like a long period of time.

It's like the theory of relativity in a way, it doesn't seem like you are really traveling 60 mph inside a vehicle because you move your hands, and anything and it is all relative to the fact that everything else in the vehicle is moving at the same speed. In recovery we don't notice the changes because we are right there with everything. Others may notice them before we do, and we notice them by looking backwards and seeing how different things are.

Think about this Varkham, 5 years ago would you have imagined your life being where it is now?

5 years from now, clean and sober, can you even begin to imagine where you might be?

So stay focused on getting through today, dealing with today's struggles, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

You have already changed, a lot in a short period of time. It's normal to want things to happen instantaneously, especially for alcoholics and addicts, but most things don't.

You will have times when you realize that things have happened and changes have occurred.

Hang in there!

SPK

[idgiehkt]

6. awesome

thanks for that SPK about the backview. I can definitely relate that to my own life.

:hug:

[varkam]

7. 5 years ago

I had no idea my life would be where it's at now. 5 years ago I was just starting to get the hint that things might be a problem for me. 5 years ago I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. 5 years ago, however, I was still an addict.

5 years from now...I have no idea where I will be. My most sincere hope is that it's somewhere with Sarah, but that might not be the case. I may be here, still working. I may return to my course of study, or I may chose another. I may be in prison, or I may be free. I may still be here in the United States, or I may return to England. I do know what I want, though - to be clean and sober. Wherever I am in five years, I know it's going to be a lot brighter and gentler without this hideousness.

Thanks, SPK. I appreciate your input.

[FloridaJudy]

12. Hang in there: it *does* get better.

When I first stopped drinking, the craving was well-nigh constant. Now that I've got a few years under my belt the urge to drink occasionally hits me out of left field (usually leaving me wondering "Whaa the hey? Where did *that* come from?"). But now I know that such feelings will pass relatively quickly.

I can't even say that my life has been better - a lot of really bad things have happened to me since I quit. But *I've* gotten better. I'm not nearly as irritable, thin-skinned and intolerant as I once was. Stuff that used to annoy the fertilizer out of me (like the minor personality quirks of friends and family) are now a source of amusement. Of course, I still get outraged at the antics of the Repuke Administration, but my drinking is certainly NOT going to end the war in Iraq, or bring justice to the Justice department.

It's a matter of balance. I'm still working on it.

[idgiehkt]

13. I miss Varkam!

Varkam, if you are out there lurking, I am thinking about you and hope that you are doing well!

:hi: