Some thoughts I had today on surrender

[varkam]

In all honesty, I think I might be trying to make my recovery a bit more complicated than it needs to be. I know a lot of addicts in my fellowship do the same thing. Even though I think that, I still think there is some utility in trying to de-construct certain concepts. Today, I was doing some writing on surrender and had an interesting thought on surrender.

Surrender is something that I really don't understand. I was writing as much when I realized that there might be different forms or modes of surrender. One form of surrender is expressed in things like going to meetings, making phone calls when you're having a moment of weakness, or going to therapy. I thought that might be called 'physical surrender'. It's actually doing something that reflects a belief that you cannot do this on your own. You are physically giving up your own power (to be doing something else, for example).

Another form is emotional, I think. In my mind, emotional surrender is believing that you cannot do this on your own. I know I can't do this on my own every day, but every now and then I can feel myself slipping back into the old ways of thinking and I start to believe that maybe I can - even though I know I can't. That might sound odd, but there is a difference (at least I think there is) between knowing something and believing something. One can know something, and not believe it (e.g. I had known all along I had a problem, but I never believed it) and believing something but not knowing it (e.g. I believe I will eat cereal tomorrow morning).

The last that I thought of is spiritual. I have no clue what spiritual surrender is, because I'm just starting to figure out what spirituality means to me. A thought I had is that it might be the destination of all this. That I accept, believe, and know with all of my being that I can't run my life like I have been doing. Maybe I get there by surrendering emotionally and physically for long enough, I really don't know.

These were just some thoughts that I had to try and understand what surrender means a bit better, because, to be honest, I really have no idea what it is. If anyone has any comments, thoughts, or constructive criticism, I'd love to hear it.

[NMDemDist2]

1. believe vs know

I was told (and it resonated with me, your mileage may vary) that a belief is something you learned from someone else. ie you 'believe' there is a God because you parents and church told you so.

Knowing is something you have in your heart from your personal experience. You 'know' there is a God when you feel that wash of love and light wave over you. You can't explain it, you can't describe it but you *know* it.

in AA we call that the "two foot drop" where something falls from your head into your heart.

I 'believed' AA might work for me because it had worked for other people that I knew and saw around me.

now I *know* that a spiritual program of action keeps me sober and gives me a new way to live.

as for surrender, it's just a matter of having run out of ideas. I surrendered when I realized I didn't have any more ideas of my own on how to change. Due to that surrender, I was teachable. As long as I thought I had one more idea, one more choice, I wasn't willing to try a program.

Surrender is what leads you to willingness (to try anything) and teachableness (to try what others suggest)

:shrug:

[varkam]

2. I like the idea of the two foot drop.

I experienced something like that when I first got into my program with respect to the first step. I'll hang onto the phrase :D

[idgiehkt]

3. what came to mind for me is "my way doesn't work"

I've proven that to myself yet again, in a series of bad associations I made and through which I've encountered a lot of drama. I'm trying right now to surrender to the fact that I screwed up, that I ignored red flags and because of that I am going to have to walk through the pain. It sounds dramatic, but I am only copping to this because I have been fighting tooth and nail to deny to myself that these people hurt me, because its 'only' online. I know that I have to face my feelings, whatever they are, process through them, and let them go. I have already seen some movement of karma that completely took me by surprise, so my course of action I decided on, to step out of the way and not defend myself and let people dig a karmic hole without any help from me, seems to have been the right one. I fell back onto old codependent ways of relating, and it is time for me to grow up and listen to the red flags, and not be so trusting, the universe is making that abundantly clear now...no more do-overs, it's time to 'put on my big-girl pants' as a wise friend of mine says, and *give myself the time* to discern whether someone is trustworthy or not, meaning months, not days or weeks. I have aspergers and I believe that I am about 15-20 years behind where many people my age are when it comes to understanding what motivates the kind of behavior that I've been on the receiving end of; it just isn't in my repetoire, which is something that probably only other aspies and people who understand autism understand. I only drank heavily for about 5 years so I don't claim the developmental offset that folks who have long drinking/addiction careers do. In any event, I am sharing all this because I am having a whale of a time surrendering to my feelings about this situation in particular, because I am so furious with myself for being so completely stupid.

It was and is the same with addiction, I think, I'm angry at myself and the world for not being able to 'handle' certain things, which other 'normal' people can handle, it doesn't compute intellectually that I should be different from others, so I 'take it back' whatever the behavior is. I think my trusting the wrong people, which I referred to above, was conformist and based on me wanting to not surrender to the signs my gut was signalling to me...I wanted to be 'like everyone else' and feel 'a part of'. It was very childish, immature behavior, now that I look back on it, and I paid for it.

In all the circumstances I can think of, my lack of surrender has really been a denial of self, a denial of the truth about myself, of what I know about myself, whether regarding addiction, or what my gut is telling me about certain parties. It's entailed turning off the voice within and listening to an external or otherwise unhealty one. So I suppose surrender could be turned around to mean having self-acceptance and developing the ability to listen to what that 'still small voice' tells me, instead of the voice of my disease (of alcoholism/codependency, etc) yelling over top of it.

[NMDemDist2]

4. that 'still small voice' will get louder and stronger the more you listen for it

you will come to depend on it.

give your self time dearest :hug:

[idgiehkt]

5. for me it isn't about 'time'

It's about do I actively work on my codependency or ACOA issues...etc, etc, etc, while at the same time accepting that I have a disability that is going to interfere with my relationships no matter how 'recovered' I become. I only say this because there is a misconception I think that once people put down the drugs of choice, that things will miraculously 'get better' as long as we work the steps. The majority of the time that is true. In my case, with an undiagnosed PDD, I continued to struggle, and eventually relapsed. I also had a friend who was also an 'oldtimer' with decades of sobriety commit suicide, which disturbed me greatly. I saw this man at every meeting. I do not know what went wrong, but I am particularly empathetic to people who continue to struggle with issues that may be beyond the scope of Alcoholics Anonymous, that relapse with serious time under their belt. I believe that you and I got sober around the same time...barring the hours that I had those pills in my system (I actually took an OTC medication but decided to start counting my time over just based on my state of mind and motives when I took it; I never discuss the actual substance because most people look at me cross-eyed for considering it a relapse and in fact I had a substance abuse counselor tell me outright that 'didn't count' and I had to end treatment by him because he refused to cede to my view and I refused to cede to his)...anyway, for the most part we've been clean for the same amount of 'time' disregarding the relapse of mine.

I don't know, I am not trying to be argumentative, and I know you meant well, but I think there is a fallacy in telling people who are not newcomers that certain issues are just a matter of 'time'. It was a long and winding road for me to discover just what was wrong in my case. I think I've shared here before that I had a sponsor take me aside early on, within the first few years, and express her concern that I was, in her words "going to meetings and working the steps and calling sponsor and doing service" and everything else; what she ended with is "you're doing everything everyone is telling you to do and you are not getting any relief". I understood her statement but I was sure if I kept going the miracle would come. I understand now that certain things that trouble me will always trouble me, because of this disability. I am working on, right now, acceptance of this...one thing I am focusing on is trying to stop the rescuing behaviors, because I always seem to be taken in by the Mr./Ms. Pitiful person...it is part and parcel for aspies to be empathetic to that state in that we are frequently bullied, so we empathize with people that appear victimized. The problem is that the Mr./ Ms. Pitiful is a con that some very conniving/manipulative people run, and people with aspergers syndrome cannot tell the difference, i.e. our still small voice sometimes doesn't work. I've been taken in by three of the latter in a row, and I'm hitting a bottom with that. At this point I'm just rambling, but the issue is, for me, more complicated than working the steps as time passes. I did that, and I needed more, like, for instance, and accurate diagnosis of what was really going on with me. In the end, though it falls under 'not regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it'.

[NMDemDist2]

6. sounds like you know what you need to do

we all have issues that need additional work once the immediate addiction is addressed, I'm sorry yours are more challenging than most. :hug:


this book was helpful to me

"Passages Through Recovery" by T. Gorski

http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/1568381395.01._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,45,-64_OU01_SCLZZZZZZZ_V46819177_AA240_SH20_.jpg

http://www.amazon.com/Passages-Through-Recovery-Preventing-Relapse/dp/1568381395/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-7491614-0124029?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177067581&sr=8-1

[idgiehkt]

10. thanks

I don't think my stuff is more challenging, I just went so long without an accurate diagnosis (although I gave it a good effort, lol, I've been misdiagnosed more than my share). Thanks for continuing to recommend those great books...someone ought to start a thread on books that have been helpful to them in recovery. I feel like I read them all in the first five years or so, so I could probably read them all again and still benefit. :hi:

[Why Syzygy]

7. I've been

smashed by other people at times too. It is very painful. One man referred to people such as those as "thrashers". They beat the pulp out of you and roll on. My fault was doing things that could benefit both our lives. Some people are just self destructive (I've had my turns) and will be that way until they decide some HOW to stop it. Today I am very thankful those people are not in my life. I could not lower myself to their standards in order to keep their well wishes. A couple of them despise me. That's their issue. Certainly not mine.

You will be able to move on. Be gentle with yourself.

[NMDemDist2]

8. hiya votes!

it's great to see you, how you doing??

[Why Syzygy]

9. Doin' pretty good I guess :)

:hug: Had a new 30 days yesterday. It went quickly. Work is great. Pulling it back together a piece at a time. You know.