Sorry everyone. I screwed up.

[MediumBrownDog]

I am so ashamed to be posting this after all of the good advice and support that has been offered to me by this group. But I drank last night, and the resulting crippling hangover I am experiencing now is a vivid reminder of where I have been and why I didn't want to get back here.

I did tell the boss's secretary that I could not drink last night at the celebratory dinner due to an antibiotic, but it seems that the message did not get to him. He handed me a glass of champagne when I got to the dining room and toasted me in front of 6 other people. I did not see an escape -- the dining room was one of those private affairs in the back of a swank restaurant, and it would have been really weird to make a dash for the car to call any of you after the man had just toasted me. I drank. After that, I rationalized that since I'd already screwed up, I may as well have a glass with dinner, and then a nightcap before I went to bed, which turned into 3 more glasses. The only smart thing I did was not drive for the nightcap. I walked from the hotel to the bar. I'm sure that by the time I'd finished wrestling with that cheap pinot grigio, I was over the legal limit.

My meeting this morning was cancelled, thank god, because I'm not capable of much more than dry heaves and shaking. I have a 2 hour drive back home ahead of me, so I have plenty of time for reflection, a good dose of self-loathing, and the obligatory flogging and hair shirt.

The terrifying thing was how easy it was to end up here again, and that even as bad as I feel, there is still a little voice telling me that a small split of bubbly would smooth it all over and get me over the hump. I scare myself.

So, I guess the only thing to do from here is move forward and not drink today. I can't change what I did last night. I have told my husband what I did, and he is being supportive but said "I understand about the champagne. I even understand the wine with dinner after that. But what on earth prompted you to go to a bar, alone, and drink almost a bottle of wine by yourself?" He tries to understand, but the monkey on my back is much bigger than the one on his. He can stop after one glass (although he seldom does). I can't.

I know I need to find some positives from this and turn it around and learn from it. But that does not seem possible at the moment. I am ill, and so very disappointed in myself.

MBD

[NMDemDist2]

1. MBD

We are without defense against the first drink. The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us.... (BB page 24)

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power. (BB page43)

Don't drink today MBD, get back to the G/Gs and start working those steps.

:hug: :pals:

It's a disease MBD. Perhaps you were moving too fast to go back to work? Perhaps you hadn't truly surrendered? I can't judge your situation but hope you will do what it takes to get a solution that works for you.

:grouphug:

edit to add, maybe the 'job' you need to concentrate on is getting sober and healthy eh?

[MediumBrownDog]

3. I think I got cocky.

I should have pretended to sip that glass of champagne and then put it down on the table and never touched it again. But no, I "could handle it." I had this thing beat. Clearly not! I need to stay out of drinking situations entirely right now. I wasn't ready.

You're probably right. I haven't truly surrendered. I don't want to be an alcoholic, but I am. My husband has started drinking again and that made it even easier for me to rationalize starting down that slope. I told him that the wine and beer has to be out of the house again by the time I get home today (it had slowly crept back in). While I was not drinking in the house since I got sober, he was drinking around me and that makes drinking seem "normal." It is not, and it will never be normal for me again. He and I have perfectly rational conversations about the effect that drinking has on our health, our finances, and our job performance. Yet, there he is, popping a bottle of french rose on the weekend and having a nice fat glass while he does his yardwork. He even offered me a glass for happy hour on Friday. (I opted for an O'Doul's, but I really wanted that glass of wine). He loves me, and he wants me to be okay, but I don't think that he wants to admit that my drinking problem is not going away. That would mean that he could not ever have wine again either, and he doesn't think he has a problem, so why should he stop? (I actually think he does have a drinking problem, it's just in much earlier stages than mine). He thinks that moderation is still an option for me as long as I "watch myself" -- no drinking alone, "just wine with food," wine out at dinner. I used to think so too, but not anymore.

As far as the job goes, it doesn't start until July 1, and then it is only two days a week. I'll have plenty of opportunities to go to meetings. I'm going to start going to meetings every day. Maybe I can get my husband to go to a few.

Hitting the road. I'm less shaky now and with the help of a regular coke, I feel less nauseous. Thanks for caring.

Much love -- MBD.

[NMDemDist2]

4. one drink is too many, and 40 aren't enough

perhaps re-reading the Doctor's Opinion in the BB will help you understand what happened

we have a mental obsession coupled with a physical addiction/allergy compulsion.

I was really worried about you on this because your mental obsession was in full throttle overdrive and then once you took a sip, the physical compulsion kicked in and you were off!

Look at this as a learning experience MBD, you have proven to yourself you have both the components of the disease of alcoholism. Mental obsession and physical compulsion.

:hug:

as for your husband, you need to talk the G/Gs about that. He doesn't have to get sober, YOU do! You have to do it for you and his drinking is none of your business. I know that may not make much sense, so talk to the G/Gs and get their take on it, they'll help you through how it works when one spouse gets sober and the other doesn't.

The main thing is you get to meetings, 90/90 is recommended and you need to branch out of your G/G comfort zone. It has been too easy for you to find the differences (they're older, they have been sober for decades etc etc) and they (God Bless Em) have forgotten what it's like to be a sick and shaking newcomer. I know I almost can't sponsor a brand newbie myself after 15 years.

Just keep coming back, MBD and don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle!

[Kajsa]

2. MBD, you're getting back on track.

Just like W8liftinglady did, you wrote us the next day
and told us you drank, again.

You have no idea how much I admire that.
I know from personal experience just how hard it is.

A lot of people take days, weeks, and months to
come back and tell us what happened. Some don't come back at all.

AZ Dem has given some great advice and shown where in the BB,
our disease rears its ugly head. Our head will tell us " it's OK" when
we know it's not. That's the alcoholism speaking.

Make it known, that you don't drink alcohol anymore.
The problem wasn't the toast, it's what was in your glass.

The G&Gs need you and you need them.
You're back, I love you, and today you start again.

When it comes down to it-
All we have is today.

:hug:

[MediumBrownDog]

5. I'm home now.

That drive sucked out loud. I feel terrible, and I want a glass of wine so badly that I'm literally drooling.

My physician gave me Valium for withdrawal symptoms, but I'm scared to take it. I took it once since this started and it made me feel so fuzzy and weird that it scared the piss out of me. I just took a multi vitamin, a B complex vitamin, and forced myself to eat a banana with a glass of ginger ale.

This is NOT worth "being able" to have wine last night. I would have been so much better off with a glass of sparkling water or club soda. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself that I can no longer drink, because the results of my drinking are NOTHING to envy.

When it comes right down to it, I do not like the person I am when I am drinking. I suck. I should be doing 100 things around the house today, and it is all I can do to sit here at the computer and type without puking on the keyboard. My husband is not going to be amused when I tell him how hungover I still am, and that I have not done some things he asked me to do this afternoon. He's at work, and here I sit, gaming out how and where to get a glass of wine like the junkie I am. He deserves better, and so does my son.

AZDem, you are right that I have to get sober for me and stop worrying about my husband's sobriety. But he's gotta be on board for it to work in my home. He and I have spent 13 years drinking together, and we definitely enable each other. I do note that all of the white and pink wine, and all of the beer, was gone when I got home, just as I asked. I do not know where he put it, and I do not care. (I did check the trash cans, because, well, you know. I'm an addict). What terrifies me is that if the wine had been in the house when I got home, I'd be sitting here with a glass right now, telling myself that I'm just getting past the hangover, it's all fine.

I think I am finally beginning to understand the concept of powerlessness. If that shit is in the house, I'm like a moth to the light. I have only stayed sober since the middle of March because there was no liquor of any type in the house and my husband was "watching" me. I'm sure he had been checking my closet, making sure I wasn't hiding wine again. That's fine. But when he started drinking in the house again, something in my brain kept saying "hey, he'll let his guard down. it's just a matter of time. You can have "your" life back soon " -- i.e., the facade of a "normal" drinker. That's why I need buy-in from him. If he wants or needs to get a glass of wine or a drink on his way home from work, whatever. But I don't want him to do it in front of me, it undermines my will.

I have found a meeting at 4 this afternoon, I can make that and still pick up my son. I am almost ready to tell my mother, so the sneaking around to meetings thing will not be necessary once she knows. I'll have a lot more variety to choose from if she can keep the baby for me, and I can branch out from the G/G's.

Thanks for listening, guys. I am trying. Much love . MBD.

[NMDemDist2]

6. glad you're going at 4PM MBD

and telling your mom may be a good idea. does she have any preconceived notions of 'alcoholics' or AA?

only you (and the G/Gs) can judge your situation, but a meeting this afternoon and one tonight sound like a good idea

call one of the G/Gs and see if they have a meeting to recommend in your area

hang in there, and JUST DON"T DRINK!!

[MediumBrownDog]

7. No, Mom doesn't have any preconcieved notions about AA

I know she thinks I drink too much sometimes. She will be very, very concerned. But I need her. If nothing else, I always know where she is and if I am having an irrational urge to go buy wine and drink alone, she can talk me off the roof.

[NMDemDist2]

8. if she is already concerned about your drinking, the news of AA should

make her very very relieved!

sounds like a plan MBD and some folks bring their kids to meetings too, with toys and crayons :shrug:

[Justpat]

9. I usually tell people straight out that I don't drink.

If they get real pushy, I tell them why.

My husband is a prominent person in our business so we often have to entertain or go to
functions that are alcoholic fests. We simply refuse the toast with champagne or wine
and raise our iced tea or water glass. If they don't like it - tough.


Get a good sponsor, someone you can call anytime, anywhere and ask for help.

Beating yourself up now won't help. We love you and want you to make it.
Go to a meeting.

:hug:

[FloridaJudy]

10. Relapse happens

I thought I'd posted this earlier, but it must have been just before DU crashed tonight, since I don't see it up here.

It sounds like the situation was a "perfect storm" for relapse.

But you have learned something from it. You've learned you can't take just one drink, like earth people can. You been reminded of how lousy drinking makes you feel afterward, both mentally and physically. And you've learned how vital it is to surround yourself with people who will support your wish to stay sober.

The most important thing is that you're not drinking today. Don't beat yourself up for what happened, just resolve not to put yourself in such an awkward situation again.

I was serious when I e-mailed you my phone number. If you feel like taking a drink, call me any time. You can get through this.

:pals:

[wildeyed]

11. If someone offered you a glass of poison, would you drink it to be polite?

Would it be worth it to save face? I make the analogy to poison cause that is what alcohol is to us. You gotta learn how to say no thanks, even if it is awkward. If the job is going to put you in situations you can't handle, you might want to re-think that. It is a matter of priorities. If sobriety doesn't come first, it won't happen for you.

I am a stay-at-home mom, too, so I know your pain. It can be *extremely* tedious, no matter how much you love your kids. My solution was to get involved in community volunteer work. In addition to activities at my kids schools, I tutor under preforming students and organize voter registration drives in low turnout areas of my city. Keeps my mind busy and my spirit connected to the larger community. Just an idea if the job is too much change to start with.

Keep trying :hug: It took me several tries to get it, too. Do not take the valium, btw. Worse than the alcohol.

[KitchenWitch]

12. You came back, right away

That is the best thing.

:hug:

No judgement here. Just care and concern.

:hug: