MBD checking in....

[MediumBrownDog]

Hey guys, thanks for all the support and wishes and prayers. And just for being on your brains. This group is amazing.

I'm .... okay. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I never knew how totally alcohol was insinuated and interwined into my life until I started trying to pick it apart and unwind the vines.

I have taken to heart that my husband's drinking issue is not mine. I have talked to him about it and he has once again taken whatever he is going to drink outside the house. There is no liquor of any kind under this roof, not even cooking sherry (which, i proved much to my shame at one point, that I will drink if desperate).

I have changed our lives forever by becoming an alcoholic, but I can't take it back. As my best friend (10 years AA) told me, "a pickle can't go back to being a cucumber." THAT makes a lot of sense to me. So, part of acceptance is that I cannot go back.

I will not lie to anyone on this board. I have not been totally sober. A glass here, a celebration there, a birthday glass tonight. Happy 43. But I know where it goes for me, and I know where it will head if I do not slam on the breaks RIGHT NOW and not drink. I so wanted to stop at the grocery store and get that bottle of cheap white on the way home from dinner. My husband is out of town. My baby is asleep. I could have sat here and sucked it down and no one would have known. BUT I DID NOT DO IT. I will admit to all of you that I had that glass at dinner. But knowing you were here, and here to listen, helped me not stop for that bottle on the way home. If that makes any sense.

I should not have had that glass. But I did not have that bottle. One small victory in the journey of MBD.

MBD

[NMDemDist2]

1. sometimes it's one second, one minute, one heartbeat at a time

hanging on and just not drinking.

so hang on MBD, one second, one heartbeat, one minute at a time push it away.

Ask the Universe for help and keep coming back no matter what

:hug:

[jschurchin]

2. "I could have sat here and sucked it down and no one would have known"

Hey MBD, that statement isn't exactly true because YOU would have known. I am proud of you for not buying that bottle, but remember, this is about you.

I cannot tell you how many times that exact statement has gone through my head, well except it's pills, but thats neither here nor there. The thing is I would have known. I would have known I let MYSELF down. You see I don't stay sober for anyone but ME. I remember crawling around on the floor picking up pieces of dust, thinking it was a piece of crack, selling gifts from friends just to buy another Perc, not paying bills because the money I had I NEEDED for Oxy's. You see my dear, I may be sober for better then 7 years now, but, I, never forget, It's about ME and never going back THERE.

Luv ya girl, and keep up the good fight.

John

[wildeyed]

3. Just keep coming back.

It took me a while, too. I would drink for a day or two, then throw out all my booze and not drink for a day or two, then drink again. But once I started to really want sobriety, the drinking was never the same. Sounds like you are there, too.

Are you going to at least one meeting every day? Talking to your sponsor? Reading your literature? It all helps. :hug:

[MediumBrownDog]

4. Yep, I am there.

I want sobriety. Drinking is not fun anymore. It is something I "do" but it certainly does not add to my life. It subtracts from it. I worry about it all the time -- it is uppermost thought in my mind. I'm tired of thinking about it. If I didn't drink at all, I would not have to waste time doing it, recovering from it, or worrying about it. That's lots of time recovered. I'm an older mom and I want every quality second with my son now, because I won't be here for him forever.