Peeling the onion.

[wildeyed]

My first AA sponsor gave me the analogy of recovery as an onion. As we progress, we peel back the layers of the onion. But she was careful to stress that it is *always* an onion. Don't expect it to suddenly turn into an apple. For me, the past five years or so have basically been apple-like, other than the horrific presidential admin we are all subjected to. But other than that, it has been good. So of course I need to start peeling that onion again.

In that vein, I ask you, did you have a happy childhood? Do you know anyone who did? Is there such a thing as a happy childhood, or are they all only good enough? I don't know anyone who claims to have had a happy childhood. But since I am mildly neurotic, it stands to reason that most of my friends are too. Maybe there is a whole network of people who had happy childhood out there, I just don't know them. Or know that I know them.

Somehow, having kids of my own bring these issues to the surface a lot these days. My own childhood was not horrific, but it was far from happy, either. I am still holding resentments, but I thinking it is time to let them go. Too painful to keep, I guess.

I am also curious, can I succeed in providing my own kids with a happy childhood, or will it just be good enough?

[NMDemDist2]

1. I prefer peeling the artichoke. You start with tough thorny leaves

but end up with a sweet core.

with an onion, no matter how far you peel, you're still crying :rofl:

as for my childhood, it was what it was. when I tell my story people get this horrible face and usually say something like "You poor thing" but I didn't feel poor. I know my parents did the very best they were capable of in raising me. and I do know they loved me.

Kids are resilient I think. As long as they know you love and honor them for who they *are* not who you think they should be I don't think you can go wrong.

******Disclaimer******** I am not a parent, just someone who had very frail, human parents, so don't listen to me :evilgrin:

[wildeyed]

2. I know they loved me.

They did better than their own parents, that is true, too. But they are also fairly self absorbed and very into money (which they have plenty of) at the expense of family. I see them missing my children's childhood the same way they missed mine and it makes me sad.

The real truth is they don't much care for children. Didn't when I was a child, still don't. I know it is an acceptance thing. They are who they are and I can't change that. But I also see precious time slipping away. It will be too late to have a real relationship with them soon and I guess that make me sad, that we completely missed being a close family twice.

Hey NM, I am going on vacation for a week with no internet in about an hour, so I won't check this thread for awhile, but I will right away when I get back. So if I don't reply ASAP, doesn't mean I am not interested in what folks are saying. :hi:

[NMDemDist2]

3. vacation?? COOL!

have fun :bounce:

[wildeyed]

13. I'm baa-aack!

Phew, I needed that. Took the kids camping at the beach for a week. They had the time of their lives, and we had fun, too. :hi:

[Justpat]

4. I like AZ Dem's concept of peeling the artichoke

instead of the onion. I don't want to get to the end of my days still sobbing over the
next layer of the onion. An artichoke I can deal with.

My own early years are best described your basic deprived childhood.
After many years of therapy and a couple of years of sobriety, I had a great
shrink who listened to what I had to say, patted me on the back and said
that he couldn't do anything for me and that I should just go out into
the world and give it my best shot. I've doing that ever since. That was 24 years ago.

Then after about 12 years of sobriety and all those years of diligently doing the
steps, I had to admit that I needed some help. I still didn't FEEL happy and
confident. So I went to this place in western MA called The Option Institute.
It was the best thing I have ever done for myself besides joining AA. It
changed my life.

It is not a place you would go unless you were ready for the concept of extreme
personal responsibility. But I was so ready to forge ahead with my emotional life
and I loved the experience.

Contrary to my best intentions, early on, I provided my daughter with a childhood
that almost mirrored my own. Even after all these years of sobriety and an ever
deepening spiritual life, I have terrible feelings about what I subjected her to
in her early years.

We provide our kids with a positive life by staying sober and being honest
and responsible - all things I eventually was able to do. As we keep
peeling the artichoke we keep getting better and a healthy me is what makes
my daughter happy.

Before I got sober I had been married twice for a total of seven months.
After about twenty years of sobriety and finally meeting a great man I could
share my sobriety and spiritual life with, I got married again. It was a
Quaker style wedding on the beach. It was a wonderful moment for me when my
daughter stood up during the meeting and said: thank you for finally being happy.

A day at a time miracles can occur in every aspect of our lives. That was one for me.

[wildeyed]

14. I was watching something on TV the other day, forget what.

But anyway, a psychologist/expert was being interviewed. He had been treating neurotic patients for years, heard tons about bad parenting and unhappy childhoods. One day he met a person he considered extremely well balanced and happy so he asked about this person's mother. This exceedingly well balanced individual said "my mother loved life." That was it. In his opinion the key to his happy childhood was having a parent who was joyful.

Kinda sounds like you made it there yourself :hug:

As I said before, my own childhood was far from terrible. I am coming around to focusing on what was positive, and there is plenty to be grateful for. But not quite there yet....

[ismnotwasm]

5. Well

I think no matter how happy a childhood is, it will come down to adult choices. A well balanced, happy childhood often better equips one to make those choices, but not always. And I know people who say they had wonderful childhoods, but still fell into alcoholism or addiction.

I had a strange childhood, and like children in many alcoholic homes, I learned to not speak, not feel, not hear, not react. In recovery my resentments are transient, and I am able to let them go. What helped with that is sponsoring a couple of women who had childhoods that made mine look like disneyland. In fact, there was no way to compare. I learned how depraved human beings can be to their children short of maiming and murder by listening to a couple of fifth steps. Personal emotional comparisons to different circumstances isn't the best guide, but I learned to be grateful for what I did have.

I find myself in recovery a very strong person in most ways. I'm content and happy most of the time. I also like who and what I am, without shame, guilt or any of that other baggage.

My children were raised to a certain age with me drunk. They are damaged, but because I did the work and changed, they also got to see a transformation, and so they know it's possible. After sobriety, I had the opportunity to be a step mother. I'm now a grandmother. With each life experience, my life is richer and as meaningful as "life" can be.

I believe you can raise happy children that grow to be well adjusted adults in sobriety. I've seen it, and experienced it.

One of those sponsee's I was mentioning earlier could get the mother of the year award. She picked up on great parenting much quicker and at an earlier sobriety age than I did. I've never seen anyone work so hard. It's her story, so I won't go into detail, but suffice to say she not only took lemons and made lemonade, she planted her own lemon tree. (a fruit metaphor rather than a vegetable!) A remarkable woman.

[NMDemDist2]

6. I'm so glad you're coming by and hangin out ism!

you are a great addition to our little band of drunks! :hi:

[Justpat]

7. I'll second that.

I'm glad you decided to hang out here sometimes.

[ismnotwasm]

9. Thank you

By the way, I LOVE your user name :hi:

[Justpat]

11. Thanks,

:hi:

[ismnotwasm]

8. I finally gave in

I wasn't sure how my sobriety and politics would mix, you see. I have a sponsor who is a service "junkie"--she's never NOT been in district or area service, and I took ten years just to poke my head out of the Hall I sobered up in. We discuss traditions and The State Of AA quite a bit, I like to pick her brain about things like the origins of court slips, (I missed THAT argument by a few years)Whether inside Bus signs that say things like "Have a problem with drinking? Maybe Alcoholics Anonymous can help" violates traditions. I'll play devil's advocate a lot, and she'll present a rational. It's fun, and it keeps me on my toes.
For instance;
In the Third addition of the Big Book, the story "Join the Tribe" Offended me down to my bones. I understood the context of the time it was written--but really. I'd get quite windy about it. Then she told me of all the stories in the BB, that one is the one that translated the easiest into American Sign Language. (I still think it's offensive, but I'm glad it had another aspect I could appreciate)

Thanks for the welcome!:hi:

[NMDemDist2]

10. I have met Navajos in the program

when I used to go to the Grand Canyon a lot, I'd hit the meetings up there. there were a couple Navajos who lived on the reservation and worked up at the Canyon.

they shared in the meetings just like that story in the BB. It was uncanny. So I understood that for a Reservation raised Native American to whom English is a 2nd language, that story may well hit home.

we're glad to have you! and please, Keep Coming Back! :rofl:

[wildeyed]

15. Mostly stuff just rolls off my back.

I have heard some extremely nasty stuff about childhoods, especially from women in the program. Just mind boggling evil what some of them went through. I do not compare my childhood at all.

But recently I have been dealing with school problems with one of my kids and I started having mild panic attacks like I used to back when *I* was in school and having problems. It took me some time for me to figure out where the real issue was. For awhile, I was thinking I was worried about my kid, but then I realized repressed emotions from way back in the when were coming up and I was going to have to feel them or else. In the process of feeling them, I realized that I was perhaps not as well as I thought. Sigh....

[FloridaJudy]

12. I *love* that artichoke metaphor

I've always been put off by the onion-peeling thing. Peel an onion often enough, and you haven't got anything left. As a cook that offends me, though as a Buddhist that could be interesting - sort of a Zen metaphor.

My childhood wasn't all that terrible. My parents were caring people that did their best. It was later in life that they slid quietly into alcoholism. They were the kind of drunks who never got violent or hostile, just lay down to take a nap before dinner and didn't wake up til the next morning (I can easily do that when I'm not drinking, LOL). I think a lot of it is genetic, and some of it is just a learned cultural coping skill. I'm half Russian, and half Scots/Irish: it would have been surprising if I hadn't wound being "over-fond of the drink" as my Irish grandmother so delicately put it.