What surrender means to me (I think)

[varkam]

So I've been trying to sort out the whole "god" thing for the past couple of weeks. I've come to understand that a second step isn't something that I can "do" in that I can't sit down and write a few pages and then put that aside. It's something that I think I have to do every day, and depending on where I'm at, every moment.

As a result of my newfound discovery of my own spirituality, I'm beginning to come to understand certain things about my higher power. First, I don't think it is anything metaphysical or supernatural. Try as I have, one thing that is of paramount importance to me is my own intellect and rationality. I cannot take that kind of a leap of faith as, for me, that would mean sacrificing my rationality. That's something I can't do, or at least can't at this present time.

But, insofar as higher powers are concerned, I've learned a few things about humility. I've learned that I am infallible. I've learned that I am a frail being, despite my previous assertions otherwise. I've learned that I do need help, and that help needs to come from my higher power. And I think I'm starting to discover what my higher power is about.

I need to think about this much more, but my higher power is somehow connected with the suffering in this world. Speaking metaphorically (but not metaphysically), the suffering in this place is something that my HP is intimately aware of. Not just my own suffering, but the suffering of others in the fellowship, as well as those I meet on the street. When I am connected to my HP, I become intimately aware of it as well. When that awareness strikes me, I feel something indescribably beautiful and deep.

So, as it turns out, I was watching Sicko tonight (which is an excellent movie, by the way). In the movie there are some truly sad stories, and when I was watching them I was feeling that same feeling when I pray, or when I'm connected (which is sort of when I stumbled on these realizations). I also realized something else. My 11th step became a little bit clearer. What god's will means, for me, is to try to alleviate some of the suffering in the world.

That brought me to the conclusion that, surrender, for me, is going to involve helping others. With that in mind, I'm going to start looking into what I can do as a volunteer around here. It is just a start, but I feel it is something that I have to do.

So I have no idea if any of the preceeding made sense to anyone else. Hopefully it did.

Thanks :pals:

By the way, I'm doing fine otherwise. I'm still sober and intend on keeping it that way.

[KitchenWitch]

1. That is some good work you have been doing there.

Keep it up and you will stay on the road to wellness.

:hug:

[wildeyed]

2. That is so beautiful Varkam.

I think one of the reasons for my addictions was sensitivity. I used to block out the intense feelings. Now I embrace them, feel them and use them to work for change in my life and my community.

There is so much need out there. I am sure you will find a place to make a difference.