How can I truly be a supportive friend to a recovering addict?

[antigone382]

He just came out of rehab after spending more than half his life on alcohol, pills, cocaine, pretty much everything but heroin and meth, and is going to AA meetings. I am one of the few sober friends he has. I've also been in love with him for almost a year. I have absolutely been a codependent, though not in the usual way...I kept my distance to avoid conflict...occasionally I found a way to keep him from driving when he shouldn't have, or made some half-hearted effort to encourage him not to drink or use, but for each time I was able to do that I knew there were dozens when I wasn't there to do anything.

We all went through an incredibly traumatic experience a few months ago, and I knew that he was going to completely succomb to his addictions, yet I told myself that this could not be stopped, and so did nothing. The reality was that I was afraid of his rejection, anger, ridicule, of losing a chance with him that I never really had, and if I had allowed myself to really admit the nature of his problem wouldn't have wanted anyway. I know I can't blame myself for the choices he made...it isn't my fault he is where he is today. Nevertheless, I do have to deal with the knowledge that I was not the friend to him that I should have been because I allowed my feelings for him to get in the way.

This is what brings me to my current dilemma...I want to be a good friend to him now...in large part because, as I said, I am one of the few sober friends that he has (two of the other ones just moved nine hours away). My romantic inclinations towards him are my own problem...I'm almost positive he knows about it and doesn't feel the same way, and even if he is attracted to me this is obviously a bad time for a relationship. But it is a huge unspoken gulf between us, and I want to get it out of the way in a manner that doesn't create more stress for him, if that's possible. I want to come out and say that whatever my feelings for him, I'm not hurt if he doesn't feel the same way, and I really do value his friendship very much and want to be there for him at this point in his life. I feel like being honest about this is the only way to get past it.

But even if I word it just right, I worry that there's no way to bring this up that won't give him more to deal with at a time when he has finally had the bravery to take on a tremendous struggle. If I say this to him I want to know that I do it for him, not myself, and the truth is that I'm not really 100% sure that's the case. But I'm also afraid of making the same mistake that I did before, staying out of his life when I could perhaps have played a beneficial role, because I didn't want to be a burden--the poor clueless girl who's got a crush on him. Maybe I'm just too close emotionally to be really effective in dealing with this...I just don't know enough about addiction and codependency to know what the right path is.

[NMDemDist2]

1. Alanon

if you work the steps too, you'll know what he's trying to learn and you'll get some tools to help you

alanon or CoDA either one will take you through the steps

give him some time and use that time to work on yourself, you never can tell where the road will lead you.....

good luck :hi:

[Maraya1969]

2. I agree - Alanon. And if he knows you are going regularly to Alanon it will

help him to stick with AA or NA or whatever A he is going to, (or needs to go to). I have heard that friends and relatives of addicts who regularly go to Alanon have a better chance of getting and staying sober.

You really do not have to blame yourself for anything. You just did the best you could with what you had and I'm sure he knows you are a good friend. I also agree that right now the last thing he needs is a relationship. As for telling him your feelings I don't know what to say about that but maybe someone in Alanon can offer some insight. I am sure you want the best for him. Take care of you.

:hug:

[MrsBrady]

3. al-anon

http://www.al-anon.org/english.html
Try Al-anon.

http://www.al-anon.org/pdf/afa2008.pdf

[Justpat]

4. You could learn about addictions by going to some open AA meetings,

and I agree with the above posters concerning AL-Anon.

Even if this relationship doesn't progress beyond friendship, you will learn how to handle
having an addict in your life.

I would also like to comment on your concern if you should make your romantic feelings
know at this time. When a person goes into recovery it is advised by older members
in the group that newcomers to recovery don't get involved romantically in the first
year. The first year or two of recovery are a time for the addict to get the non-drinking,or
using part down first, then as their life is rebuilt on a sober foundation they can think
about more serious relationships. For the first year, the most important relationship
we all have to work on is the one with our new sober self.
Hope that makes sense.