Let me tell you about Tom

[grasswire]

I'm looking for insight here, as he is getting sicker and sicker.

Tom is the estranged husband of my niece. They have two high school children together; she is the primary parent since their separation six years ago, and he sees the kids once a week.

Tom is an alcoholic -- I've known him for twenty years and he's been an alcoholic all that time. Just simply beer and bourbon every day. He has worked in food and beverage all that time, which is an extremely difficult factor.

He has a double college degree, is smart, extremely funny, fairly cynical, very well read. I like him a lot.

His friends are all alcoholics, mostly food and beverage people. His parents are severe alcoholics, in total denial despite auto crashes that laid them up in hospital for months.

Tom is also ill. He was born with a rare kidney condition of some kind. He suffers from horrible psoriasis and can't take the usual meds for that because of the kidney condition.

Tom is now underemployed. At one point, ten years ago, he was the general manager of a very high-profile upscale property with an inn, restaurants, vineyards, distillery, microbrewery, etc. Then he was manager of one of the best restaurants in the Bay Area. During that time, he had some DUIs and his license was revoked. He lost that job. Now he is managing an inexpensive chain restaurant. Definitely a big step down. He is barely able to pay some child support and get by. Sometimes he's unable to pay any child support, which is an extreme hardship.

Tom smells bad. He looks bad. His clothes are in very ill repair.

Of course, this is very difficult for his teenagers to see his deterioration. Their mom has learned a lot about alcohol addiction, but she is very angry at him all these years for essentially choosing the addiction over his loved ones. (I don't mean that to be offensive to anyone, but that's what it appears to us.)

We anticipate that unless something changes, Tom will lose this job soon, and become more ill.

I want to know how to help Tom or if it is even possible to do so. He, understandably, is very proud and resistant to any suggestions. About a year ago he endured a court-ordered rehab of some kind. He tanked up beforehand, and drank as soon as he was released.

He's killing himself.

What is my moral, human duty to Tom? What can I do? My impulse is to feed him -- I don't know what else to do. But his wife tells me not to do any caretaking. She is highly resistant to anyone providing sympathy for him while he is not fighting the addiction.

Should the wife, the kids, and others of us go to a support group?

How do we let him know we love him, in an empowering way?

[NMDemDist2]

1. love him from a distance and tell him why

tell him you love him and it's breaking your heart to watch him die.

tell him you love him but you can't stand to see him take this slow ride to hell.

tell him you love him and the moment he's ready to fight his addiction you will go to any lengths to help him, but until then you have to cut him loose.

tell him you'll miss him but will try to help parent the children when he's gone.

then tell him good bye.

[grasswire]

3. wow

See, this runs counter to everything I was taught all my life in the church. The model of Christ had nothing to do with tough love and everything to do with neverending charity and forgiveness. It's really hard to reconcile our human duty to suffering people with this kind of hardness.

And yet, the statement you recommend might have some effect on him: "tell him you'll miss him but will try to help parent the children when he's gone."

[NMDemDist2]

4. he's suffering by his own choice

and not only that, with constant forgiveness you are enabling the bad behavior. he has no incentive to change if he's always picked up and dusted off after the consequences of his poor choices.

that being said, alcoholism is a disease. he has no control over his addiction once he picks up the first drink. it's a compulsion once he has the tiniest bit a booze in him.

the obsession is the other side of it. doctors know that folks of our type have a liver enzyme deficiency that causes us to crave the alcohol in a way no 'normal' drinker can understand.

the key is not to pick up the first one, but every alkie thinks 'this time it will be different, this time I can have a couple'

but we can't

I'm not a Christian but I believe there is a passage about teaching a man to fish.

he needs to take the first step of learning to cut bait, you can't do it for him.

and you will be telling him the truth with love. the truth is never wrong as long as it's done with love eh?

[grasswire]

5. thank you

No one is dusting him off -- we're just sort of watching the slide with dismay and sorrow and I'm wondering what my duty is, as one human to another. He's at the point where friends are falling aside.

I imagine that his teens are wondering why someone doesn't help him help himself. I really think they need to be in a support group of some kind.

[NMDemDist2]

6. Al anon and alateen n/t

[FloridaJudy]

2. Al-Anon, Al-Anon, Al-Anon!

I can't stress this enough. Most of us have tried to "save" another alcoholic, at some time or another. It almost always ends badly. In AA we're taught to "carry the message, not the drunk". Make it clear that you will only help him when he stops drinking, and give him the AA hot-line number. Then be compassionate, be sympathetic, but do not offer any further financial or other support. If he manages to put together some sobriety, then you might reconsider, but not until he does so. Right now Tom is not the nice guy you love: he's a human being in the grip of a powerful addiction, and that addiction will do and say anything to keep him there.

And go to Al-Anon. Even if you're not a "religious" person, they can offer suggestions and hope.

I wish there was some easy answer, but there isn't.

:hug:

[varkam]

7. The way I understand things, he's not choosing the addiction over his loved ones...

it's simply that the addiction has him, and he sees no way out of it. Choice implies that someone is of sound mind, and can consequently make the choice freely. Tom has a disease, and disease undercuts autonomy. That's not to say that he doesn't bear any responsibilty in the matter, as even someone with diabetes is responsible for getting themselves treated. That's the same thing here - he's responsible for getting help. As a friend, I would say that you should get him help. I don't know if he has been to AA or not, but you should get him to a meeting. Go with him, if you have to.

The stomach-churning aspect about caring for someone who is not fighting their alcoholism is that you know things are going to get worse before they get better. You can see the writing on the wall, even if they cannot.

Understand that love is not going to fix Tom. Understand that the care and compassion of his family will not fill the void for him. He has an illness, and he needs help. As a friend, all you can do is try to get him to understand this.

I wish you and him the best :pals:

[Kajsa]

8. All of you need support at this time.

Alcoholism is a family disease.

That means everyone in the family is affected by the alcoholic's
behavior and self destruction.

As stated many times here, Al-Anon and alateen are the places
to get help.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

:hug: