Tonight I had to call a paramedic.

[Robb]

Fortunately, I knew one. ;)

Last night, my girlfriend went out after coming home from work. One drink, it's my sister's birthday, then I'll be home, she said. I love you very much, she said. I'll come home early because I want to go dirt bike riding with you in the morning.

She came home drunk at 5:30 a.m.

I went for a morning hike, got back at 2. Phone call from the 17-year-old, mom's wasted. Went and wrestled her into the car, she was cursing and stumbling and dear God.

Got her home, she was writhing on the kitchen floor. Hyperventilating, spitting, clenching her teeth. Would calm down for a bit, then go off again. The story I got was she didn't eat all day, went out with some friends on their boat and just drank beer.

Finally she was taking little breaks from hyperventilating to just not breathe. So I called dispatch and had them page my friend the paramedic, who came over. Thank God.

Got an IV into her, pushed a whole bag of fluid, some glucose. She was hyperventilating until it got into her, then calmed down. Got some bread, cheese, and edamame into her (little soybeans). Now, thankfully, she's passed out on the couch.

Missed work at 4 through all this, she did. Now, to my action:

I write for a living, and as she was writhing I took out my tape recorder and turned it on, setting it on the coffee table. She of course didn't notice. That should tell you all this isn't the first time.

I'm planning, what is it, can one person have an intervention? Anyhow, I intend to play the tape for her.

Good idea? Bad idea? Any tips?

[Droopy]

1. I guess this is common wisdom

among addicts and alcoholics. She won't clean up until she's decided she's had enough.

I remember you writing about this in the lounge some time back. If I remember correctly you made a deal with her. She cuts herself off at 2 drinks and if she can't do that then you are leaving. Here's the problem with that. She probably won't quit because you want her to. And secondly, most alcoholics must abstain completely from alcohol. If your woman is getting so fucked up that you need to call for medical help then she is somebody who must abstain completely from alcohol.

I'll be honest with you Robb. There was a time when I would have got along just fine with a woman like your girlfriend. But now I'd drop her like a hot rock. I think you've got some issues that you need to deal with as well. Like why are you attracted to this woman. Her alcoholism probably was apparent not long after you met her.

[Joe Chi Minh]

5. In 99.9 cases, I would say your

"hot rock" reaction is absolutely correct - the only sensible reaction - because the stress Droopy will be subjected to, over the years, wondering whether he will find that she has relapsed, by the time he gets home from even small trips, will become unbearable.

The possibility of permanent recovery depends on the person's self-esteem, capacity for *mature* unselfish love strength of character, and a host of other facets that go to make up our human nature. The strength of the person's will to give up drink, which such characteristics affect is, of course, paramount. Even the person's fear of premature death can help.

But, as regards your point about Robb's having issues, if I sense your gist correctly, I doubt if I would agree with you on that at all. I've read dismissive posts by certain characters who would cast a male's sense of chivalry towards a female in distress as some kind of serious pathology; some kind of pathetic disease.

Well, you know, dolphins have on occasions been reported to have taken it in turns to support a human lost at sea and in danger of drowning, until rescue came. And, the incidences of the kind of almost parental compassion shown by mammals, even cross-species, are, of course, innumerable and well known. Would that be an evolutionary design fault? I don't think so. Animals behave in such ways to teach us lessons, even though, in a sense, they do so unthinkingly.

Still, I don't believe a person unfamiliar with the effects of alcoholism on a person from close quarters, could begin to understand what they will be letting themselves in for, day and night. And this, no matter how extraordinarily good the afflicted person may be by nature.

[Droopy]

6. Well

I think that there is a difference between hanging in there when your mate is struggling with an illness that is not his/her fault versus hanging in there when your mate is purposefully participating in destructive behavior that is making you miserable. I don't know if that's chivalry or masochism.

[Joe Chi Minh]

8. I'm with you completely, there, Droopy..

It's a fine line, *at best*. That's why I'd say your "hot rock" advice is unimpeachable.

And it's surely the same unwillingness to abstain that fuels the unwillingness to even recognise that there is a problem with the person drinking that will mean total abstinence.

[Joe Chi Minh]

11. Just for clarity, I inadvertently misrepresented that.

They ascribed such a friendship to a twisted sense of chivalry, amounting to a serious pathology; some kind of pathetic disease. Although, as I said, I don't belive it would be at all likely to be inspired by chivalry or any kind of selflessness.

[KitchenWitch]

2. A one person intervention would likely be ineffective

As the saying goes, if one person tells me I have a tail, I can refute it, but if many people tell me, then I had best turn around and take a look.

Gather the people that you know who truly care about her and have each of them tell her how her addiction affects them.

Another thing you can do for yourself is to find an Alanon group. Get help for yourself...there is likely a reason you are attracted to and involved with an addicted person. Go to the meetings FOR YOURSELF, irregardless of whether she gets help.

You may end up having to let go of the relationship. I know it is painful, but your sanity and well being are very important.

[Robb]

3. I know you mean well

...And I appreciate the input on the tail saying -- it's a new one on me, and will grab some friends.

BUT, and this goes for the first post, too, and I'm trying to say it respectfully:

What is with recovery program people and the repetition of the "drop the problem person and help yourself" mantra? I see that everywhere I read about it, and I hear it here.

Again, forgive me and with respect, but it seems selfish.

[Droopy]

4. I didn't quit for anybody else

And I didn't quit using a program or going to rehab. I quit because I felt like stir fried dog shit.

I guess you can try to change your girlfriend, but there's not a whole lot you can do until she decides she has to quit. You've tried the compromise route already. What more do you need to know?

[Joe Chi Minh]

9. Not a facile topic to fathom.

There are aspects to treating a topic like this that don’t really lend themselves to pat answers. It sometimes seems that we are pulling in different directions, when I don’t believe we are.

We have to generalise in order to make sense of the world, but on the other hand, the human condition doesn’t entirely lend itself to that kind of knowledge alone. Statistically, I think, it’s not a close secret that it is a major problem for those involved, and the admonition to get out of such a relationship is emphatically the right one in most cases.

But fortunately, most of us, I think, being quirky human beings and not automatons, like to make our own “mistakes” and won’t be told. As a result we will, on occasions, defy the trend of the statistics, and in this scenario, arrive at something that turns out to be more than just worthwhile.

In fact, I think some of the best marriages have struggled through the joint trials of a spouse’s addiction and ended in something as close to true happiness as we can probably find; the non-alcoholic partner turning out to be, arguably, at least as blessed by the union as the recovering alcoholic, if not indeed the main beneficiary. Particularly if the afflicted person is the female spouse. Men have got it made really, haven’t we? No wonder we tend to drop off the twig, if our spouse dies before us.

As for the chivalry/gallantry/love, however we view it, I don’t think it is likely to be more selfless than the love of the afflicted spouse – however deceptive it may be when under the cosh. And that’s probably one reason why the individual will tend to make his/her own decision as to the wisdom of persevering.

[KitchenWitch]

7. There comes a certain point, when dealing with addicts

that one has to evaluate how much the relationship is worth to them and how much the addict's behavior is undermining any healthy feelings, etc.

I am not saying dump your girlfriend now, but when you start doing things to make yourself healthy, and she is not coming along for the ride, there is a point where the relationship will undermine your recovery...unless she chooses to get help for herself. It is not about being selfish, but about changing your own behavior, becoming healthy, and realizing that she may not be on the same page as you. It happens.

And what I mean by recovery, is that you will become emotionally less "hooked in" to her behavior, and you will be able to make clear choices for yourself. I am by no way saying that you have an addiction, but that family members and friends have issues that they need to recover from as well, such as chronic caretaking, being a doormat, walking on eggshells around the addict for fear that the addict will use if you do not, etc. Once you stop doing that, and stop enabling her behavior, one of three things will happen. 1. You will realize that her behavior is almost impossible to tolerate; 2. She will wake up and want to recover; or 3. She will leave you because you no longer enable her. Again, I am not saying drop her like a rock, but it has been my experience that relationships where one is stagnant and one is moving forward do not last very long.

[mirandaod]

10. It's a terrible thing to go through

with a loved one. We spent my son's 18th birthday in the emergency room with him in the throes of alcohol poisoning, symptoms like you describe.
I don't know, but maybe you should have more than just yourself there for the intervention. I hope she's ready to get help.

[NMDemDist2]

12. every intervention is a sucess

but maybe not immediately.

just be aware for the intervention to work, you HAVE to be willing to live with and enforce whatever consequences you are going to present like "enter treatment or move out" you have to make her move if she won't start treatment

what a nightmare for your family! :hug:

[anarchy1999]

13. In your dreams. Every intervention is not a success. My family drove me

off and their "intervention" was a miserable failure that none of us have got past to this day and it is 10 years later. Yes, I do have a problem, yes, I am addicted to alcohol. The intervention was not a good thing for any of us. It was more like a tragic nightmare. Our family has never been whole since.

[KitchenWitch]

14. I think what the above poster meant to say

was every intervention plants the seed of recovery...in that sense, yes they are all a success.

I understand you are in some pain right now, but you may want to tone down how you respond to people here in the group...Instead of saying "In your dreams" you could say, I disagree, and here is why. Just a suggestion...

[NMDemDist2]

15. what KitchenWitch said. Alcoholism is a tragic nightmare for the families

that live with it every day.

The intervention is probably not what divided your family. I'm sorry to hear you and the family are having such painful times.

Best luck to you.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

16. Interventions are powerful things

I really suggest a pro to lead it, perhaps a counselor at the rehab facility you have her packed and ready to go to.

If you have an intervention and just ask her to get help, and you don't have a help option available, it is empty.

Obviously the daughter should be there, you, and anyone negatively affected by her drinking. Call a local rehab center.

Good luck and godspeed.