Going To Cub Scout Meetings With My Son Is Triggering Some Issues For Me (warning may be graphic)

[SPKrazy]

that directly relate to reasons that I got into drinking, using, and acting out in the first place.

First, I was very alienated as a child growing up a non-Mormon in Utah.
Second, I was rather clumsy and uncoordinated and everything that goes with that.
Third I had red hair which seemed to invite teasing and such.
Fourth I joined a Boy Scout troop that was non-Mormon because my parents didn't want me going to a Mormon troop.
Fifth, the Scoutmaster ended up being someone who routinely exposed himself to his young charges, masturbating in front of us, always talking about it, and it was like it was "uncool" if you didn't hang on his every word (hell we were 12, 13 years old, of course we did)
Sixth, the Cubmaster at my son's Pack reminds me of the Scoutmaster who was there when the above described Scoutmaster was just the assistant, they were both University Firemen and lived in the Firehouse. He had to know what the assistant was like :grr:
Seventh, one night on a campout, the first Scoutmaster discussed "taught" a somewhat mentally challenged scout how to masturbate, and I remember hearing him literally 15 feet away saying "no, stop that" and it didn't.
Eighth, I never told anyone because it seemed to be "uncool", and I don't know what other reasons kept me from it.

So I'm finding myself dealing with feelings that are from the past that are very uncomfortable for me, especially when the Cubmaster is there. My son's den leader is a sweet older lady who must have the beginnings of Alzheimer's because she can't remember anything it seems.

So it's been a challenge. On top of that, my estranged wife also attends cub scouts with my son so I am there, and doing my best to be just another parent, however it is strange because other parents are aware of our estrangement (one is a friend of my wife's) and well, I'm just going on about it now, venting I guess.

I intend to discuss this with my therapist this week. I forget that the past is prologue at times and have to remind myself why I'm feeling anxious.

I'm not wanting a drink. Although, I feel the desire to blot out my feelings and that is scary to me.

Thanks for letting me rant.

:hug:

:grouphug:

[NMDemDist2]

1. more will be revealed sweetie

you have to find it and own it before you can work through it.

although it sounds weird, congratulations on the break through and may the healing be soon and complete.

:hug:

call us if you need to, hubby has a new job and his hours are much better now and he has weekends off

you're always welcome, we're here.

[SPKrazy]

2. ...

:yourock:

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

3. SERIESLY!!!!!!!!1!!1!!1

:pals:

[SPKrazy]

14. I know it is true

:hug: :hug:

[KitchenWitch]

4. Hey, I am here for you.

:hug:

I hate when the old stuff is dredged up like that.

[SPKrazy]

13. Having since talked to you

I know you are there for me and I want to be there for you too

:hug: :hug:

[Justpat]

5. It is good to vent to people who love you.

Although we have never met in person, I feel a strong attachment to you as member
of our group and a fellow recovering addict.

Much love, OB


:hug:

[SPKrazy]

12. OB you are the coolest!

:hug:

[Critters2]

6. Wow, Southpaw, you're dealing with a lot.

It's perfectly natural that this is bringing up feelings about your own (icky) scouting experience. And the stuff with your wife, the denmother with Alzheimer's...just a lot to deal with. Not much you can do but to acknowledge your feelings, be supportive of your son (and civil to your wife), and lean on your HP, program and therapist for support. And us. I'm here for you, if there's anything I can do. At the very least, you're in my prayers. :hug:

Critters
POME

[SPKrazy]

11. That 's just the half of it

:rofl:

yes but it is ok today.

I have to ground myself, remember that I am where my ass is and not time traveling or anything else.

:hug:

thanks

prayers and thoughts and all are appreciated greatly

[Kajsa]

7. I'm sorry Southpaw.

Those feelings from the past can be very uncomfortable
and stress inducing.

You are a great dad.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

10. I am an ok dad

and a great guy :P

you are an awesome Mom

and a great friend

:hug: :hug:

[dsc]

8. I am sorry man

I know you will make it. I would suggest staying away from the Scout meeting for a time though.

[SPKrazy]

9. I will go for my son

and deal with the feelings with my therapist

thanks though

:hug:

[dsc]

16. I hope it is working out

Is everything going OK?

[Fire Walk With Me]

15. So these are some of the things that are going on with you...

Hi man, this is my first post in this forum, nice to see you and so many familiar names, and new names :hi:.

I can sense your distress in your Lounge posts but this is a little clearer...I know these feelings as well and you can indeed use the tools on them...I feel for you and pray for your comfort and well-being. I'm so sorry about your experiences, that's bullshit behaviour on your old scoutmaster's part.

:hug:

(here until my donated stars run out, thanks to whomever gave them to me)

[SPKrazy]

17. I'm really wrecked about all this right now

last week, a week spent with a lot of scoutmasters, triggering my memories like crazy.

Got me down, depressed, and rather hopeless feeling.

I'm still rather wrecked about it, trying to let go.

Sorry, but the sorry fuckers who did this to us, well they are sorry fuckers.

that's all

:hi:

[NMDemDist2]

18. I know you don't want to hear this

but it must be time for you to heal this.

remember when you make your 8th step list, your name needs to be on it. and them you make amends to YOU!


when all else fails (drugs, alcohol, retail therapy, relationships etc etc etc) time to re-read the instructions and do the steps.

those 4th and 5th steps are the healing man, it hurts that one last time you pick up what you have buried for years.

pick it up, hold it, own it and then (finally) let it go and let God.

you've done it before on other stuff, now you're getting to the deep nitty gritty

don't give up before the miracle.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

19. bugger off!

:P

okay, mebbe so

thought I'd let this go so I gotta write about it and figure out what it is about it that is keeping me hanging on. I've done 4ths and 5ths, and prayed about it, gone to therapy about it, hell, I will just have to see what shakes out I guess.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

20. what lie are you telling yourself *about* yourself?

you were innocent, but your brain has locked onto some lie you told yourself when it happened and made it real.

at least that's been *my* experience when I'm digging out that deep chit. don't know if that helps but when i need to dig out the lie, I ask myself "what kind of a person _______ (fill in the blank of the experience)

then usually I deny it, ignore it, stuff it, but it does pop up.

eventually.

then I can finally see the lie I've been telling myself all these years.

then begins the difficult work of re-programming my brain with the truth (6&7)

love ya d00d

seriously.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

21. Not sure I'm totally following you friend

that I should have done something but I didn't because I didn't want to lose the troop, the camaraderie with other kids, the part of it all that i *liked*, the part of it that was exciting, the part that made me feel a part of the group, the part that made it all seem "ok" and enough so not to tell others...

:shrug:


:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

22. so what came to me was

"what kind of person doesn't tell? when they know it's wrong but doesn't tell any way"

that's what I'd be asking myself. then look for the lie.

then forgive yourself.

just how my program works, YMMV

:pals:

[Justpat]

23. Sometimes in recovery

we expect the path to wellness to be a straight trajectory.
we expect to make a solid, forward trajectory in every aspect of our lives once we stop drinking.
I have found that it has been what I call the AA cha cha.
I seemed to make several steps forward, then a step back, then forward again.

At about the four year mark, despite faithful attendance at meetings, working the
steps and being totally involved in the program - I seemed to hit an emotional wall.
I thought that in spite of my sobriety, I had not gotten well. So I went to an alcohol
counselor in the area I was in at the time. This person was wonderful and helped me
to see that when we hit these new plateaus, we have to hold onto the steps and not
drink. Then we have a chance to get better. If we drink again, we are back to square one.
I did not ever want to go back to that place - so I walked through the emotional pain and
stayed sober. My life did not get better fast enough for me, but it did get better and
has continued to do so on an uneven, but forward trajectory every since.


Step up your meetings. If necessary, get a better sponsor.

But just hang in there. Stay in touch with those of us who care for you and wish you the best.

OB