I've fallen off of the wagon again....

[MediumBrownDog]

The holidays TOTALLY did me in. We had x-mas parties to attend for my new job and even though they only gave you 2 drink tickets at each event, that started the ball rolling again. I figured "Oh, I did fine with just those two. Maybe tonight we'll have wine with dinner again." Bad idea.

Just need a little encouragement. I haven't had a drink today. It's a start. But I realize that I'm losing control of my life again, and my husband and child deserve better than a mother who has to puke in the sink every morning. It's just ridiculous.

MBD

[varkam]

1. My experience.

I know that my addiction is different from yours, but I also think that we addicts and alcoholics have a lot in common. I've dealt with relapse and slips many times, and the thing that I've always found is important is this: persistence. I've been in recovery now for a year and a half or so. I was an active addict for about ten. So ten minus one point five is eight and a half years. That's eight and a half years I've got stacked against me.

If you're anything like me, you've probably been active in your addiction for longer than you have been in recovery. Just cause you slip doesn't mean you stop running the race, just cause you lose a battle doesn't mean you stop fighting the war.

And go easy on yourself. I've found the pain of relapse was more than enough punishment, and I didn't need to give myself any additional burden. Just keep coming back and easy does it.

:pals:

[Kajsa]

2. You're back, MBG- that's what counts.

I too relapsed several times in the first year I was trying to
get sober.
Each time was more demoralizing than the next, but I followed
my Dad's example and kept coming back.

My Dad relapsed after 10 years of sobriety, and went back to
the same meetings! That's what I'm talking about.

Don't give up- you have everything to gain here.

It's hard in the beginning and you need a lot of support.
But this is doable- we are all examples of that.

Hang in there, MBD.

Give yourself credit for coming back and please keep us posted
on how you are doing.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

3. stinkin thinking and we have no protection against our own minds

that's the whole 'powerless' thing

did you try those books votesomemore recommended? I thought you were doing the rational recovery route?


anyway, I'm sorry it's been a tough couple of months, just don't drink TODAY and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

glad you checked in :pals:

[MediumBrownDog]

4. I have read the books, and they worked for a while

And then, I got busy, and I stopped focusing on my recovery. I am seriously considering AA meetings again. I'm going to find a bigger group, hopefully women only, and just sit in the back and listen. I may or may not believe in all the 12 step stuff, but being around others with the same problem has GOT to help.

Off to throw up again. This blows.

MBD

[NMDemDist2]

5. heh, I didn't 'believe' either when I walked in, I just wanted to sober

and I wanted it bad.

if they'd told me to walk down the street backwards with a ball on my nose, I was willing to try it.

willingness is all it took for me (16 years next month, HP willing)

your plan sounds like a good one, women's meetings, bigger meetings, whatever it takes.

:hug:

edit to add, the concept of being allergic really helped me. it made perfect sense that the minute I took the first drink it was over.

when I drink, I get drunk.

end of story.

[Justpat]

6. In AA you take what you need and leave the rest.

Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.


:hug: :hug: :hug:

[wildeyed]

7. Bummer, MBD.

*You* deserve better than starting each day puking in the sink, too. :hug: Congrats on today! I hope you are feeling better soon.

[KitchenWitch]

8. I echo what everyone else has said here.

Read the books, take time every day for your recovery, even if it is only 10 minutes. And find face to face support. I am glad you are here.

[elleng]

9. MBD, I hope this is ok;

I'm new here, and not alcoholic but married to one, and would like to share my family's experiences; I hope this will encourage you.

I married john after he went through a 2-week in-patient program which I paid for, and a bit of AA, which he didn't like. I became pregnant immediately. We both had responsible govt. jobs, which we kept. Our daughters were born 3 1/2 years apart, our first 2 weeks before my 40th birthday. We bought a big old house; things went well, but there were a few 'small' peculiar incidents.

Long story short, it took me a loooong time to realize that he was off the wagon, probably had been for a very long time. My govt agency closed, I found good 'temp' jobs for 4-5 years, and then that became more difficult, sent hundreds of resumes. SO, he was and has lacked understanding of my very frustrated position, and distance between us grew; I became depressed. I attribute his behavior to the fact that he hadn't stopped, and when we disagreed we didn't argue but he became mean and we fought.

Daughters of course noticed our 'unhappiness,' and told me to move out often.

Both daughters in college, and because we've never been able to discuss finances, well, a real mess. A year ago he hurt me badly, and I left. Trying to sell house now, girls estranged, angry and upset with both of us, from time to time.

Sorry for length, but my point is that such situations hurt LOTS of people VERY BADLY, including his siblings, our friends and neighbors, but particularly our daughters.

SO PLEASE, do whatever it takes to become and stay sober, and know that our thoughts will always be with you.

[FloridaJudy]

10. The important thing is that you're back

It takes some of us a few tries to get it. I know one lady who lined her bathroom with white chips for a year: she's been sober for over 15 years now.

Today is a start. Just keep it going.

[dsc]

11. It is funny I was just talking to a student about this yesterday

He had cough medicine, which has alcohol in it, at school. I didn't turn him in but told him not to have it again. I knew he really had a cold which is why I didn't turn him in. I told him I knew cough medicine had alcohol because as a recovering alchy I can't have it. Then we discussed if any alcohol would make me drink. I hope you can climb back on and stay. It is so easy to fall into the trap of just a little won't hurt. Good luck.

[RaRa]

12. Read Step 1 of the Big Book

Hi MBD,

Glad you're back. I don't really post here - just lurk a little. This week's meeting was about the 1st step. Honestly, it sounds like you haven't quite got it yet. Read that chapter, (online if you don't have a copy). It all comes down to surrender. When you can truly surrender to the fact that you cannot control your drinking (or don't enjoy it when you do) that's surrender. The fight,- the struggle is over then. That's when you can start to recover. And boy, let me tell you, after 11 months of sobriety, life is a hell of alot calmer inside now that I don't have those wheels turning in my brain ("how can I sneak out and get some more...")

For me, I resisted AA a bit...felt wrong...didn't like the god stuff (still don't, but I don't care now - I've surrendered! ha ha). But, I kept going back. FOR ME, I realize that the resistance to AA was more about resistance to admitting I was powerless. Now, it's my lifeline to sobriety and I actually like going. Just a thought...Glad you're here though!

[1620rock]

13. I had 20 years of sobriety. I was facing a law suit and fell off the wagon.

Spent two and a half years in Hell...then climbed back on.
That was three years ago. Whether it's 20 years or 20 hours, I am just one drink away from a drunk.
So don't beat yourself up, just climb back on. It's a beautiful ride. :hug: