Just wanting to check in.

[varkam]

I'm varkam and I'm a sex addict. I've been sober now for several months. My bottom-line behaviors (things that, if I do them, constitute a relapse) include pornography, affairs, or having sexual contact with women I do not genuinely care for.

Lately though, I've been struggling more. I don't really know why it is...perhaps I just needed a reminder that I'm still an addict. A few things have happened, though, that I think have shaken me up a bit. For one, there's a very attractive woman trying to get me in bed. I guess most guys wouldn't have a problem with that, but then again most guys don't have my problems. The issue is that I don't genuinely care for her. I like her, but it's not any deeper than that. If it were deeper, then it would be fine...but being honest with myself I know that I would just end up using her. I told her all that, and her response blew my mind: I don't care if you hurt or use me. Well...I do care. It's just hard, though, because someone wanting me is...well it's like a shot of heroin (or at least how I imagine that would feel). So far, though, I've been steadfast in keeping things platonic between us.

Also, I've just been having a lot of anxiety with respect to getting my law school application finished. It's a lot of ducks to get in a row. I think that I'd be good enough to get in, but the big question mark is my felony conviction. I can go to law school and practice law with a felony...I'm just wondering if they'll be able to look past it. I suppose here I just need to practice some serenity concerning the things that I cannot change.

This anxiety, though, has been triggering other issues for me (i.e. the desire to look at pornography - which is how I always used to deal with anxiety). Usually I have some serenity and so I'm able to accept things and just go with the flow. When that doesn't work, I'm able to run on spite...just not wanting to give the nay-sayers the satisfaction. Here lately it's been spite all the way...and I know that's just not healthy at all. It keeps me abstinent, but it doesn't keep me sober...if that makes any sense.

I realize it might be strange for some of you to read all of this. I understand from fellow addicts that sexual issues are usually hush-hush in other fellowships...so I guess I just want to say I appreciate you reading.

[NMDemDist2]

1. varkam

:hug:

your honesty is your strongest asset you know that?

one day at a time man, and call another addict if you can, nothing helps so much to get out of our disease than working with another.

I hear in your post you're getting healthier. you are no longer attracted to a woman with low self worth and that's a good thing! I know you are physically attracted, but not emotionally attracted or you'd be in the rack already right?

you are becoming the man a worthwhile woman will want in her life and I salute you for it :patriot:

:hug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

2. Your pattern is familiar.

Feelings, and the desire to use something to stuff them down. Pardon my pedantry, but have you run inventory on what you're feeling? (I really don't have the right to say; I'm just returning to my main program and am only in my first 30 days.) I just want to help, if that's appropriate. God bless.

[varkam]

3. How dare you!

Don't you know you have to have at least sixty days in recovery before you can tell anyone else what to do?!?!!

:rofl:

No, I haven't written about everything I'm feeling and you're right that it would help. I will do that later tonight. Thank you for the suggestion

:pals:

[Fire Walk With Me]

7. And you wouldn't believe just how much I'm waiting for that 60-day period to end!

:rofl: :)

The last thing that we'd ever do for ourselves is exactly what we most need. Thank God for the buddy system! Cheers.

[elleng]

4. Sounds like you're tackling things well.

One question: Are you aware of 'character and fitness' committees? They're the state reviewers who decide whether we are suitable to practice law within their state, and everyone has to pass through one before being sworn in.

I suggest that if you've looked into the matter in your state, and/or states where you're applying to law school, you include a statement in your application about why you think that you'll be able to practice, once out of school and bar exam. That should address any question admissions committee has.

Good Luck

[NMDemDist2]

6. welcome to A/R ellen!

:pals:

it's (usually) a little oasis of sanity in the DU primary wars :rofl:

[varkam]

8. I am, and I have discussed this with a lawyer friend of mine.

He says that they will just want to know what I have done to rehab myself, but other than that it shouldn't be a problem. So...fingers crossed.

Thanks :pals:

[varkam]

9. UPDATE

I cruised around the website for the Board of Bar Admissions for my state, and it seems the thing that they nail most people for is lying or otherwise misrepresenting aspects of their character. For instance, if I did not disclose my felony conviction on my application then that would create problems for me down the road. It appears, though, that so long as I am able to show evidence of rehab then I should be fine. If I get further down the line, though, I will make sure to inquire about it explicitly.

[Kajsa]

5. Varkam, I hear what you're saying.

Running anything on spite is very short lived.

The spite runs out and with it, the desire to stay on track.

You're aware of it, and now you can turn it around.

Talk to your sponsor or another trusted person in the program.

The "fake it till you make it" motto comes in here.
The damn thing works!

At times, I've been so disconnected and far from my HP, I couldn't find
him/her for anything.

I just prayed ( meditate) anyway, asking for direction and guidance.

Eventually, the connection returns.

You are a great example of the program in action, Varkam!

:hug: