Well color me insane

[SPKrazy]

I've known that I've been involved in a crazy involvement (is that redundant or what?) with someone long distance who has an alcohol problem. I have also figured out that I have some kind of white knight syndrome that makes me think that I'm going to be somehow able to make everything okay for someone who is in such a predicament, when I don't even live within a drivable distance from them.

So I guess my higher power took over tonight and let me realize that I am the person right now who would look at a room full of women and be attracted to the neediest one. Only I'd know it, and I'd know why, and I'd realize that my addict is just trying to make some kind of a deal with the devil... let me help you, and make you love me... is that insane or what? :shrug:

So now I'm off the hook I guess with one...

Now to stay away from that and work on me. I gotta do better with me, or I'm going to keep looking for the ones who need me, not the ones who are really compatible and would really be able to love me, or me them.

Okay, enough mindless ranting about my codependency and my latest awarenesses. My HP set me free tonight, I'm sad, and hurting, but I also have come to believe that my HP will lead me to a better life if I follow the road that is shown to me. What is shown right now is a direction that includes lots of AA and other A meetings that I attend, working with others, counseling, my shrink and her wonder drugs, exercise, reading, meditating, step work, making friends with people first and foremost, taking care of my son and his needs, and making life a good thing.

Thanks

:hug:

[KitchenWitch]

1. Acknowledgment of the problem is the first step!

:hug:

Progress, not perfection. Yadda Yadda Yadda!

:D

[SPKrazy]

2. Far from perfection

and instead not even sure of what progress is anymore, just pain...

[varkam]

3. Hey, SPK!

The thing that I've found is that there is always more to learn about ourselves in recovery. In many ways, we're still mired in the old habits and cycles that we were before we entered into recovery but the difference now (I think) is that we have a certain awareness about us to recognize exactly what is going on and, hopefully, the awareness to be able to make a different choice this time.

I know what you mean about the white knight snydrome. I would become involved with women who needed help in some form or another. I wanted to rescue them. In the end, though, I don't think I really wanted to help them...at least not for the sake of helping another person. I wanted to help them for me...because it would make me feel better about myself and it would feel good to get the respect and adulation of another. In the end, though, it was a destructive and ultimately futile endeavor. That's not to say helping people is a bad thing, but it's got to come from the right place.

:pals:

[SPKrazy]

4. Very concisely written

that explains the white knight syndrome well.

aka co-dependent i suppose although I hate that term

thanks

:pals:

[SPKrazy]

5. Geez, I'm still insane!

I got signed up on an online dating site that is free, and started talking to someone locally and it was going okay and then she lays into me all this stuff about how messed up she is, and how messed up I am. Not denying it, but hell, has she been reading my mail?

Then some lady who can't remember day to day what she did the day before she says starts emailing me that she's praying for my spirit and "where will I spend eternity?"

I'm thinking that I am really just going to do what I said, focus on ME, my son, my program, and my life.

This addictiveness to relationships and co-dependency stuff. Dammit... How many "A" meetings can one go to before they really are just replicating themselves over and over????? AA, NA, SAA, so if I add Alanon, CODA, or something else, how messed up does that make me?

Dang it HP, can we just fucking be okay for a while????

:hi: