Not what I expected

[varkam]

I posted a thread the other day in GD about some of my experiences, set against the context the SCOTUS ruling on child rape and execution. I originally set out just to try and say that not all of these people are evil, terrible monsters that need to die...somewhere along the way I guess it became about much more than that.

I didn't want to hit that "post" button. I didn't want to hit it because I was scared. I was talking about some very personal things in the context of some very emotional and controversial issues. I did it anyway, though, because for lack of a better way of describing it, I felt like my HP helped me write it. Even after I posted, I figured I could just use my powers as a moderator to delete it, shove it into the abyss, and just never think about it again.

The response certainly wasn't what I expected. I figured some people were going to want to draw and quarter me...I don't know, maybe some do. Here I was, talking about how I was a sex addict, about how I have major problems with pornography and affairs, about how I'm trying to recover, about how I was raped as a kid, about how I was worried about whether or not I would of done the same to someone else if nothing changed for me, and about how these monsters aren't monsters at all - they're people that I know and that I'd be willing to stand up for.

I wasn't expecting the love and the support that I got. In a word, it was humbling. Very humbling. A couple people even sent me PMs telling me how much they appreciated it and that it helped them in some way. I guess, at the end of the day, if anything I have to say could help anyone then it would be worth risking offending or pissing off others.

I also wasn't expecting how I'd feel now - depressed. In a way, emotionally wrecked. I think writing all that brought up a lot of things for me that I just wish were not so. Things that I just wish I could pretend didn't exist or never happened. I wish I wasn't a sex addict, I wish I'd never been raped. I know I can't wish those things away, and I know that the key is in acceptance. I guess that's why I'm posting here; that, and I'm at work alone again tonight, with boring patients and full access to computers. I'm still sober, and I think that I can make it, but I just wanted to do some writing to remind myself of where I'm at.

I hope everyone else here is doing well :hi:

[Kajsa]

1. Varkam, I saw the thread and responded to it.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=3525284&mesg_id=3530642

Again I say, it was one of the most courageous posts I've ever seen.

Yeah you feel depressed!

You laid everything out on the line and looked at it closely.

There is something very cathartic about writing our thoughts and feelings
but at the same time, it can be EXTREMELY painful!

Remember taking the 5th Step?

It was on and off waterworks for me.
Sometimes, I had to stop writing- it overwhelmed me.

I admire the heck out of you for writing that OP, Varkam.
You presented another viewpoint many hadn't considered.
And I'm so glad you got a good response from others.

:hug: :hi:

[NMDemDist2]

2. you are an amazing person vark

you courage and honesty never fail to inspire me.

:yourock:

[SPKrazy]

3. d00d

:hug:

just for today

don't think

just feel

let yourself feel

you're a good guy

I wish you weren't raped too

I wish I'd never had the experiences I had when I was a scout

I wish that sex had never been such an attractive escape, but it was... and I know why

you know why too...

You are where you are, and have what you have...

you're a brave soul

and a good one

HP don't make no junk!

Relax

:hug: