Sins of the Father

[varkam]

They say that the sins of the father are visited on the children. I guess I don't believe in sin, though...I think it is an outmoded concept. That's not to say that I don't believe in good and bad, but I digress. I don't believe in sin, but I do believe in genetics.

I went over to visit my parents today, as I do whenever I can. I have a very close relationship with my parents. They have flaws, for sure, but I dare say that I couldn't ask for better folks. Anyway, I came over to visit, watch some TV with them, and say hello. My father has been acting distant lately, and I wasn't really sure why. In fact, I wasn't really even conscious of the fact that he was distant...it's just that it seemed something had changed. I guess it really hit me when a few weeks back I was over at night, sitting on the back deck with them and talking about my addiction. When I started talking, my father seemed to not really be listening...like he didn't care, or like he was embarrassed. He sort of abruptly got up and went back inside. That's quite a change from how it used to be.

I remember back when I hit bottom in my addiction and came clean with them. I told them everything, through the tears and the terror - half expecting them to disown me. They didn't. In fact, their first reaction was to let me know that they still loved me and would always love me no matter what and would always do whatever they could to help (I told you I couldn't ask for better folks). I also remember how excited, in a way, my father was.

I'm addicted to pornography, among other things, but pornography played a central role in my addiction. I told my father all about my struggles with pornography over the years, and was amazed to hear him say the same things - that he, too, had and does struggle with pornography. That he followed the same patterns of binging and purging, of trying to quit, or rationalizing...of feeling guilty. But he was excited not because he got to talk about it, but because I was talking about changing it. Because I was talking about therapy, talking about SAA, talking about addiction and recovery. He told me that I had inspired him to get help too. Even though at that point most everything in my life was fucked up, I could at least feel good about the fact that something good was already coming out of it.

Well, I found out today why he has been distant...or at least part of the reason. I was talking with my mother when she started crying, and told me about how dad has been. He's been distant, not wanting to do anything, as if he just doesn't care really about her. I guess I knew what was up then, because I know the signs, but she also said that she went to get on the computer last week to check her e-mail and he hadn't closed a window that he had been looking at.

Porn...she said it was "pretty disgusting". I guess I didn't want to ask...not that I needed to. I mean, if you've been down the roads that I've been down on the internet, then you've seen some pretty fucked up things...things you really don't forget. The scary thing is, though, is that after a while it starts to become normal. The internet, in all it's isolation and anonymity, erodes boundaries. Things that we would normally consider to be taboo or "off-limits" become pedestrian and boring. So then you push things more and more to the extreme, and eventually...well, who knows? I'm thankful that I hit bottom where I was at...I'm thankful it wasn't any worse.

In any event...he's back into it. I'm not mad or angry or anything at all like that...I guess mostly I'm just sad...I'm very sad for him. I'm very sad because I know what he's dealing with, and how terribly difficult it is. I'm sad because I feel like, in a way, I've lost my father. I feel like I've lost my father because he just isn't there anymore...not like he was before. It's not authentic. It's almost like he's just counting the seconds until he can get away, until he can engage his addiction(s). I feel sad because I love him and want to help but know there is nothing that I can do. I feel sad because I know he's got the same hole inside him that I do.

It was pretty shocking to have my mom tell me all this...but she was sort of at a breaking point. The porn wasn't all of it - he's also been smoking marijuana on a daily basis (even despite him saying recently that he was going to stop for good). I don't really know how to act around him now. I want to be able to speak freely about how I am doing, and I feel like I can't do that with him because to do so would be engender a dissonance in him, so there's this distance, this tension between us.

I know that all sounds bad, but I love my father. I consider him to be one of the greatest people that I have ever known. He has his faults, like we all do...but he also has so many good qualities, too. If I thought my father as a bad guy, I guess I wouldn't be so sad about not having a real relationship with him because I wouldn't want that relationship.

I guess now I know how my parents felt when I shut myself in my room all those years, isolated from them even though I was living in their house. I remember that dad once told me that it hurt when he wanted to talk to me or hang out with me and I just shut my door and locked myself in my room for hours at a time. I guess it's funny how the tables have turned.

In a way, though, it was good to hear everything that my mom said. It gave me some much needed perspective. It affirmed for me just how fucking difficult this is to get away from, and how there is a necessity for the help of others in recovery. I cannot do this alone.

Thank you all for being a part of my recovery. :pals:

[Justpat]

1. You are the best.

You are one of the most honest and open people here. I appreciate you being part of this
group.

:pals:


I have not been around much lately, so I am just catching up on several threads here. I was
really, really down over financial matters but decided to work the program in ALL my affairs
and I have done the best I can with things and have turned them over and let them go.

much love to you Varkam. OB

[Kajsa]

2. Thank you, Varkam.

Like OB stated, you are one of the most honest,
down to earth and open persons I have met here.

You share your story,with the pain, revelation
and recovery with us. That's not easy to do for
anyone.

Thank you, Varkam for being here.
And thank you for everything you bring to our group.

Love and Hugs,

Kajsa


:hug:

[SPKrazy]

3. We Save Our Own Asses With The Help Of Our Groups

Sponsors, Higher Powers, and the Steps.

I think that people tend to minimize and even scoff at the damage that sexual addiction can cause a family etc.

The fact is that it is like any other addiction... jails, institutions, death, or recovery are the outcomes.

My good vibes will be for you and your father.

Yes the internet is vast expanse of brazillions of pages of porn, from soft, to hard, to OMG beyond that. And yes, a person can become desensitized.

Your dad sounds like he's had his addiction ruined. He is no longer able to use it to escape without feeling the reality that there is Hope and Recovery. You may be the only copy of the green book or any book about sex addiction he ever sees. I am sure he is proud of you, and that in turn increases his shame. Too bad shame won't cure sex addiction. Instead it is like gas on the fire, isn't it?

Be there for him, love him, but don't let his addiction take you down with him. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can't save him or your mother either.

I feel for you, sometimes I've wished that I had a clear source of "who" in my family had any kind of addiction. I can go back two generations and find it. I am grateful that it is not 1 generation away from me.

I want you to know, that you are a good person, and that your devotion and courage to deal with your sex addiction are indeed aspiring. I've discovered an aspect of my addiction that I never realized was there. The relationship addiction aspect. I'd say it was something different, but it is so intertwined with sex, that it really can't be separated. Its kind of odd, I relate to other addicts on a different level. The strange, but sad thing is that it is a part of my addiction. Strange because I always thought it was not me that had that problem. Sad because of the very nature of the disease. I see myself in more people now. I know that for most, the relationship/sex addiction is in fact not something that is separate. They are dancing in the wind. Mine is that way too.

thanks

[Tab]

4. One common misperception

ingrained in us since childhood is that mother/father knows best. This is true in many situations, but not all. Parents are people too. If you are a parent, you know this, and if you aren't - imagine if you were - would all your issues magically go away? They wouldn't.

Just like we can be alcoholics, sinners, adulterers, depressive, manic, unbalanced, repressed, whatever - so can (and likely are) our parents too. We're trained to think our parents as being the final word and all-knowing, but in reality, they're just like us, just a bit older.

Sometimes how they act isn't necessarily a reflection you, but how they act given the things that they are going through.

As I get older, I find life more complicated than it seems on the surface.