Giving Thanks

[varkam]

I used to think a lot about what might of been if I didn't hit bottom. It used to be a wistful sort of thing; I would focus on all the things that I was going to miss as a consequence of my life shifting tracks so drastically. My job. School. So on and so forth.

I still think about that from time to time. It's not the same, though. I don't look back on it with regret. Most days I'm thankful. That's not to say that some of the consequences aren't tough to deal with sometimes, but the consequences aren't really the point. The point is that I'm in recovery, now, and I don't think that would've happened if reality hadn't kicked my teeth in a bit. It wouldn't of happened had it not been for the courage of a woman that I love.

The insanity of my addiction wants to make me think that the consequences are the point, and that I'm too good / smart / charming / good looking to be here. That I should be above the fray. That my actions shouldn't have consequences. I find that the best antidote for that thinking is remembering what might of been. How many more relationships could I have wrecked? How many more people could I have gotten to me? How much longer would I have lived without any sense of integrity? How many more hours would I of wasted looking for something that I'd never find? How much longer could I of gone before doing something I could never take back? As scary as the consequences are, those questions are scarier.

It could of easily gone the other way. Had it not been for a few freak coincidences, I would still be an active addict. That used to be what I wanted. I used to think that it was "just my luck". Now I'm thinking that I am lucky. At least I can lay down at night and feel clean. At least I can look myself in the mirror and not wonder who I am. At least I don't have to lie and hide.

Again, that's not to say that the consequences of my actions aren't hard to take sometimes. Giving in to fear and resentment is easy, and it takes effort to overcome that. On all days, though, the good and the bad, I should remember to give thanks. I've been given a second chance at life because the life that I had been leading...well...it wasn't any kind of life at all - not one that I want, anyway.

Thanks for reading :pals:

[w8liftinglady]

1. sometimes...it's just good to feel.Thanks for writing.

:hug:

[Joe Chi Minh]

2. It may sound odd, but giving thanks is classified as the highest form of prayer.

It is a blessing.

Of course there are always occasions when we're felling very low, when it's not exactly the highest on our list of priorities. Yet it is implicitly expressed in a spirit of acceptance/endurance, when that is the order of the day. Catholics talk about offering up their trials to God. "For you, Boss... OK. But please don't make a habit of it", sounds a good prayer to me. The Israelites of the Old Testament were great ones for grizzling to God.

[varkam]

3. I know that for many it is a form of prayer..

and I suppose that it is for me too - or at least acknowledging my HP. Prayer is an interesting subject for me though, seeing as how I don't really believe in a supernatural god.

[Joe Chi Minh]

5. As the great French, mathematician, physicist and religious philosopher,

Pascal, put it:
"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."

Looking just now at some of Pascal's other quotations, it was intriguing to find this saying, as it is similar to a point I made in another post in this thread about passivity: "All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone."

And how about this one for predicting the so-called "butterfly effect" in weather systems, for example:

"The least movement is of importance to all nature. The entire ocean is affected by a pebble.

And how about this one, which could have been cribbed from Hunter Thompson:
"Men are so necessarily mad, that not to be mad would amount to another form of madness."

I can see I'm going to have to work my way through his sayings!

[Kajsa]

4. Thank you, Varkam!

It goes along with the famous Gratitude List,
the perfect antidote to being on the Pity Pott.

Giving Thanks isn't always easy, but it
does work-( sorry for sounding like a clique).

I just got back from six days in Jalisco, Mexico,
and was hit with a late breaking case of Montezuma's Revenge
coupled with the shakes( not a fun memory-;( ) sweats and chills.

Was it easy to be grateful ?- hell no!
But I WAS grateful that I didn't drink in Mexico or on my return.

I still take it one day at a time, even after some years here.

Thanks for sharing this.

:) :hug:

[old mark]

6. Varkam, if you hadn't gone through what you went through,

you would not be where you are now.

We really don't know what we need - we might get a lot of shit in our lives, only to find later that we became better people for dealing with the bad times.

You are gaining strength and compassion for others.

mark

[Joe Chi Minh]

7. Right on the mark, mark. An old mark, too, going back to Scriptural times.