Oh urk...need some advice

[FloridaJudy]

I just heard that a woman who went through IOP with me was found dead. I hadn't seen her in quite some time, and had heard from others in the program that she "wasn't doing very well", but hadn't started drinking again. Apparently she had some health problems and a history of depression. No one's sure of the cause of death - she hadn't been seen in quite some time, and a neighbor went to check on her, and found her dead. One of her dogs had starved to death, so I imagine she'd been dead for quite some time. They're doing a tox screen, but as much as she loved those dogs I doubt she'd kill herself without finding someone to take care of them first.

So here's the dilemma. I looked up her obituary in the paper, and the funeral parlor has one of those memorial pages for friends and family to leave messages. Nothing on there about her being in the program, so how do I explain how I knew her? Just leave a generic note? And what on earth does one say to a family at a time like that? We weren't on the same map - hell, we weren't even on the same continent - where our religious beliefs were concerned.

Any suggestions appreciated.

[Journeyman]

1. I would identify myself as a friend from the past. . .

no need to break anonymity of either the deceased or yourself. Ultimately, the reasons why any of us know each other, the ties that bind us and the history we share, means something only to us and isn't the most important aspect of of our lives. What matters, in the end, is did we make connection in life, did we care for each other, and do we now miss the dead. All the rest is immaterial.

Whatever your beliefs, and however they may have differed from those of the deceased, share what you feel in the manner you feel comfortable sharing. Caring, accepting people will receive a message from the heart in the spirit it's offered. And don't worry about what to say. If your message comes from the heart, the words will fulfill your intent.

[Kajsa]

2. Judy, you are a friend of hers.

If her family should ask- "from where?"
I'd tell them.

You care about her- you're a friend.

That's all anyone needs to know.