My story

[yardwork]

I'm yardwork and I'm an alcoholic. I can't remember my first drink because my parents, who were academics, shared their wine with me from the time I was very little. They didn't give me very much, just a little in a sherry glass, so that I could be "included." When I got older they taught me how to drink at cocktail parties and faculty events. If I was feeling down about something when I was a teenager my mom would pour some of her beer in a glass for me and say, "Have a little beer. You'll feel better."

I started drinking very heavily when I was eighteen, after graduating from high school. I drank through college and barely graduated. I had no idea what to do with my life and my boyfriend was kind and generous and didn't mind my drinking (he drank too) so I married him and we drank together. I drank my way through my first job and graduate school and my second job and didn't slow down until I got pregnant when I was 31. I didn't drink much when I was pregnant or nursing the babies, so my drinking was interrupted for those 5-6 years, but I wasn't in recovery.

When the babies got older I went right back to drinking the way I had before - drinking to black out. Knee-walking drunk. I didn't go out. I stayed at home and only drank at night after the rest of my family was asleep. My husband had stopped drinking so much and I resented that. My drinking buddy had abandoned me!

I started drinking and dialing at night, long sodden conversations with other drunks on both coasts. I started thinking about running off with one of the drunks.

I started researching AA on the web. I didn't want to actually call anyone or talk to a person face to face, so I did surreptitious searches on the internet. I found some local meetings but I didn't go.

My father died of alcoholism at the age of 63. I knew I would die too if I didn't stop. I didn't even like alcohol anymore. I looked at it as if it were a glass of poison, but I drank it anyway. I couldn't stop.

My work suffered. My friendships suffered. My marriage suffered. I had temper tantrums with the kids even though I wasn't drunk during the day. I was hungover and I felt sick all the time. I spent at least 2 days a week in bed recovering from hangovers. Then I'd start the drinking all over again. I lied about how much I drank. I bought bottles and hid them around the house. I drank alone at night and nobody knew.

One morning a friend woke me up at 7 am and reminded me that we were supposed to go out for coffee. I was so hungover I couldn't drink coffee. I got a cup of herb tea and a banana and I could barely get them down. My hands were shaking so much I spilled the tea. My friend is a psychiatrist and I was sure she could see right through me. I put my hands under the table so she wouldn't see how badly they were shaking.

I was forty years old and on the surface I was a successful professional woman, married to a nice man, a mother of two boys, a dedicated volunteer, an attractive person. And I was a drunk spiralling down into death.

I went home and looked at the clock. It was ten minutes to noon and I thought, "If I leave right now I can make that noon AA meeting I read about."

I walked into the AA meeting, picked up a white chip, and I haven't had a drink since that day, which was April 7, 2000.

My life has changed in ways I could never have imagined. I am happier than I've ever been in my life. Because of revelations and self-knowledge brought about by sobriety, the program of recovery, and the therapy that I accessed because I was sober enough to think clearly, I am putting major changes into motion for my life. I have a clear and satisfying sense of spiritualism, which I had completely lost during my years of drinking. I feel as if I were living in a box all these decades, and I have walked out into the sun.

I wish the best for every other alcoholic and addict recovering one day at a time. Sometimes I am recovering one minute at a time! We are all only one drink or drug away from the pit.

[JimmyJazz]

1. Congratulations on your sobriety.

Thank you for sharing (I always thought that was a really hokey statement, but I'm beginning to understand it more and more).

Our stories have a lot of parallels and I can relate to a lot of it. Are you still married?

:hug:

[yardwork]

9. Sharing is truly the foundation of AA

Through sharing we unburden our souls and put down the rocks of the past that we have been carrying around for so long.

[Mutley]

2. Good for you!

It's wonderful that you're in recovery. And thank you so much for telling your story.

[yardwork]

8. Thank you for being here, mutley_r_us!

[Steven_S]

3. Thank you for sharing that..

I can relate to a lot of your story. Especially the torment and eventual gratitude, which is apparent.

[yardwork]

7. Gratitude - yes! I try to remember to praise and thank the Goddess

and God every single day.

Every day in sobriety is a gift of life. I might be dead if I hadn't stopped drinking. I'd sure still be dead in my soul.

[demosincebirth]

4. Good story. Sounds like you got a good program working.

I thank God for AA. One day at a time I got 26 years, May 18, of this year. Still going to meetings, at least 2 a week, and have so many friends that my cup rune th over.

[yardwork]

6. 26 years! That's wonderful! Thank you for sharing that inspiration.

[yardwork]

5. Thanks everyone for your nice responses! I was hoping others

would add their stories to this thread.

Let's make it a thread with stories that anyone feels comfortable posting. If you don't feel comfortable posting now, that's ok. Keep coming back and reading!

[JimmyJazz]

10. I'll just keep reading for right now, if you don't mind.

:)

[dsc]

11. My last drink was on April 8th, 2000

so we are very close in 'age'. Congraduations on your sobriety and thanks for sharing your story.

[yardwork]

12. Wow! We were on the same wavelength at the same time!

Congratulations!

[dsc]

13. Thanks it has been a heck of a year

but I keep on keeping on.

[yardwork]

14. 2005 has been an amazing year for me

Aside from the political and social situation in the U.S., this has been a year of wonderful revelations for me.

[dsc]

15. For me both good and bad

I have a steady job and am doing well at it but I also lost a parent and moved hundreds of miles for said job. My dad is getting remarried later this month to top it off. It has been just a year of change.

[yardwork]

16. It sounds like it's been a difficult year for reasons beyond your control

but you have handled things well. I hope that the second half of 2005 is more stable and happier for you!

[dsc]

17. So far so good

It is now summer break and I am looking forward to a couple months off. In addition I should have high level classes next fall so that should be good too. I hope your year continues to be great.

[demosincebirth]

18. Sounds great!

Remember, meetings, meetings, meeting is the only way to continue the path that you are on. Good luck and God bless you.

[yardwork]

19. Thank you, augie38!

[ismnotwasm]

20. Just checked in to this forum

I wasn't sure I wanted to mix recovery on a political site, but the thread on "meth mouth" got to me. I've been in AA, in recovery for 15 years this month. I was a street kid, did all the drugs, ended up a garden variety alcoholic living in a truck by the time I was 29, completely addicted to alcohol. I was diagnosed a chronic, late stage alcoholic. I had to sober up in a very tough talking, very rough, fellowship hall because it was the only place I was comfortable at that time. Since then, I've gone to school (a couple of times, had a lot of catching up to do)I was a licensed practical nurse for many years, worked in a nursing home. One of the institutions we end up in-do I have stories! Now I'm a R.N. and I work in a transplant unit. So I get to see what HCV and ETOH does to livers, and eventually kidneys. And mental function, of course. Recovery and AA saved my life. I, too wish everyone stuggling with addiction a way to recovery. As a nurse, I can tell you just about everything that can happen to you, but my experiance is that most folks don't scare into recovery. And I agree, sometimes it it one minute at a time! And to this day, sometimes my best is just staying sober.

[yardwork]

21. welcome, ismnotwasm!

Your story is an inspiration.

My father, a heavy drinker, died of liver cancer at the age of 63. I'm not a clinician but I can tell anyone who cares to listen what alcohol did to his body and mind. He was a successful professional, too, highly respected in his community.

As someone said on another thread here, your liver doesn't care whether you're "functioning" or not.

[Justpat]

22. Hello, everyone. Old Broad here

Recovering alcoholic. Sober since '81.

Most alcoholic's stories follow a pattern of gradual decline over
the years ending in a state of utter desperation. I was always in a hurry
though and came up with my own drunken life story which was to start
drinking at age 15, head straight for the gutter and stay there for
the next 16 years.

I grew up in an alcoholic household and considered the ability to
"hold my liquor" my most outstanding attribute. I was a lousy student
and extremely shy. In the beginning, I used it not to fit in but to
not give a shit whether I fit in or not.

I was forced to go to college by my religiously insane parents to
a Catholic all girls school which I was promptly ejected from for
drinking. I then began a life as a bag lady on the streets of DC
where I slept where I happened to fall down and ate whatever I could
steal. I stayed there for a couple of years.

One day I found myself in a chicken coop off to the side of a barn
in some godawful place in NJ. To this day, I don't know the name of
the town where I ended up. But it turned out to be a race horse
training farm and it was in some ways my lucky day. I wandered into
the barn and the person who was in charge asked me if I was the one
who had come for the job. I had no idea what the job was, but I said
yes. This guy takes me to the tack room, hands me a saddle and says
to go get on one of the horses. I had ridden when I was a kid but
had not been on a horse in about 8 years and certainly never on a
racehorse. But in my demented state I figured, what the hell and
gave it a try. It turned out that I had a talent for it and stayed
with it to this day.

I continued to drink myself into oblivion every day. THe race horse
world was at that time a place where an complete alcoholic could
fit in pretty well as long as you didn't fall off too much in the
morning.

I drank as much as I could every
day of my life. I was married twice for a total of seven months.
I had a kid. I ended up at age 31 living in a rusted out car in front
of a garbage dump with a child and a 140 lb. dog. Even then I did not
get sober because I woke up one day and thought, gee, my life sucks,
I think I better do something about it. I stopped drinking because
I had physically come to a point where I could not get the booze to
stay in my body. I was violently ill and in a state of rage because
I was not able to finish myself off.

I went to meetings kicking and screaming. I hated everyone and thought
they were assholes. The slogans made me sick. The only reason I ever
went to a second meeting was because I was hungry and they had
donuts most of the time. I remember see this big sign at a meeting
that said: THINK. I thought, well that leaves me out.

But for some reason I kept going. I had no where else to go. I had
already been turned away by social service agencies and state agencies
that considered me hopeless.

I won't say my life turned around in quick fashion. For me, it was
truly a day at a time - often a moment at a time when days became
too long for my fragile sobriety.

But I have to tell you that I was one of those that never would have
gotten sober without AA. I think it was the intense personal
responsibility of the program, whether you want to do it or not,
that helped me. I was such a con artist and could bullshit therapist
for fun. But in AA I was left to face myself with the tools of the
steps and it worked for me. I love the program and still go to meetings, not as much as I did in the beginning, but I go to keep in
touch with others on the same path. I remember when I finally stopped
being in a state of rage and started to get a little saner I had
one day walked into a meeting and thought, this is my place and these
are my people. I was most certainly an alcoholic and that was my
method of finding my way back.

Today I have been married for 15 years (to the same guy), am still
in the horse business, my daughter survived is going for her masters
in Eng. Lit and I am still crazy but grateful and sober after all these years.

[KitchenWitch]

23. Welcome to the group and thank you for sharing your story!

:hi:

[Justpat]

24. Thank you , Kitchen Witch.

I appreciate your welcome.

[faithnotgreed]

27. thats a beautiful and amazing life old broad

i hope it was ok to say beautiful because it is to me
though what hell you describe

im just floored by what you have done and accomplished in the face of something that was controlling your whole being

very warm congratulations and we wish you all things wonderful
to you and your daughter

[Mikimouse]

25. Why I'm here...

I grew up in an alcholic household, and while it was great having wine on the table at meals, the combination of that and the family environment was my ticket to the bottom. I internalized the abuse and felt that I was responsible for my parents' eventual divorce. I decided, in my incredible arrogance, that I would never be the kind of person that my father was (wrong again!). I was OK through my final two tears of high school and more or less ok through my college years, but started to slide into more and more and heavier drinking as time passed. I married and was 'controlled' for a while, but the drinking started again and got worse. Two children later, my wife finally had enough and divorced me. Can't blame her a bit. I always said that I used alcohol as a mechanism to relax and cope with my daily routine ( I worked in health care for roughly 25 years, and had a daily commute of roughly 5 hours- poor me!). After the divorce, I drifted from hospital to hospital (as a worker) for a while, and finally ended up in a hospital where I initially felt comfortable. that came to an end rather abruptly, when I started feeling that the clinic was really ripping off the patients and decided that I neede to rethink things. At the same time, I was unsuccessful in getting permission to visit my children and that was the clincher for me. I felt that I was not needed, and that my usefulness had come to an end. SO, I calculated the amount of alcohol needed to finish the job once and for all, and went to it. I came very close to success, but didn't quite make it. I was furious when I awoke 48 hours laterand realized that I was still alive. I decided to try another route. I quit 'cold turkey' that day, and ten days later the fun began. Audio/visual hallucinations are not to be recommended! I ended up in a coronary care unti for a week, but they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, so they shipped me to a locked psych. facility. Still no results. I had not spoken more than a very few words in weeks, and the staff were convinced that I had been poisoned in some way. Litle did they know. One day, my 'voices' finally told me that I could talk to the physician and I informed her of some of the things in my past. She decided to send me to a rehab. hospital in the vicinity. I first spoke the words 'I think I'm an alcoholic' to my nurse at the rehab. hospital on the evening of my admission, and the world did not end!? I was immediately moved to the Addictive Disease Unit from Psych. and found other people who were amazingly similar, in their sensitivity, their personal histories, and their outlook. Sadly enough, I was the only 'lucky' one. I have been sober now for a few years, but many of my dear fellows did not make it. Two later died; one committed suicide just weeks prior to finishing his Master's degree (scared the crap out of me, as I was just starting mine, and wondered if I would find it too difficult). I finally accepted that my relationship with the kids is something that is, now, as much their decision as it is mine. They are now grown, more or less, and have been exemplary sudents and people. I am very proud of them (there is a silver lining; if it was necessary for them to not be exposed to the vitriol between mom and dad, then so be it, it was worth it). In the past few years, I have finished a Master's and am currently working on my dissertation. Shoudl have that finished in the next year. I am a happy, content, and recovering alcoholic. Having been to the bottom, I would never have believed that things could improve so much in so short a time. I still consider myself a newbie, and my nail marks are still on the edge of my personal 'pink cloud'.

[Justpat]

26. Hello Mikimouse

Welcome and thanks for your story.

[texpatriot2004]

28. Thanks for sharing your story. n.t