I am a sex addict

[varkam]

I hate saying that lately, and I guess that's not a good sign. I want to ignore it and not accept things for what they are. I guess it doesn't help matters that generally, as a sex addict, you're regarded as a moral failure. A pervert. A sick freak. At best you're a bit like a leper. At worst you're dangerous. I don't know, maybe I'm all of those things.

One thing that I do know is that I can't let what people think get in the way of me trying to live an honest life in recovery. If it means that I'll lose friends, or that I'll be ridiculed, then so be it. I just have to understand that recovery is a top priority. After all, I'm free to go back to lead the life I had before - all the affairs and the pornography. The constant litany of lies and emotional isolation.

Except that I hated the person that I was.

I would have affair after affair, thinking that the next person I fucked would fix me. I would spend hours searching porn on the internet, thinking that the next picture I saw would make me whole. It never did. It always just left me feel broken and empty and hating myself ever more for it - not to mention the people who I hurt. The hearts that I broke. The trust I betrayed. The Caligula-esque hedonism I engaged in. It left stains on my soul that I'm not sure will ever wash out.

So I guess I just needed to check in here that I am a sex addict, if just to affirm it for myself. Thanks for reading.

[IndyOp]

1. Truth will set you free. I wish you peace. A question:

While I read what you wrote, I was thinking of an ex who seems to qualify as a sex addict the way you describe it. He didn't require "sexual fulfillment" just constant flirtations and ego-stroking. It makes sense to me that he thought the next one would make him whole, then the next, and the next...

:(

[Kajsa]

2. You acknowledge your addiction and you're dealing

with it, Varkam.
That beats denial or running away from the
problem any day of the week.

imho, you are doing great!

You've tackled law school, no small feat
by any means.

Happy New Year to you, Varkam.

:hug:

[Justpat]

3. Varkam, the first step never gets old.

I still need to admit my powerlessness to stay sober.

Your honesty is a great help to many people around here.

:hug:

[Iggo]

4. Hey, don't worry.

Us drug addicts are considered moral failures, too.

:hug:

[elleng]

5. Just saw this.

Best of luck.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/04/fashion/04love.html?pagewanted=2

[DaveJ]

6. Great article

The writer is similar to me ex wife, who mixed her addictions with other things like drug and financial abuse. I especially like the last paragraph, it's so powerful. It was like the whispering in my ear that kept me as a codependent for over 6 years:

“I will make Benoit lie and manipulate and chase sex every hour of every day, until he can’t feel anything anymore, until everything good and decent about him is removed. He needs me. His life is boring when I’m not in charge. I control him. I keep him numb so he can function. I make him feel good, and I make him feel worthless. The minute he steps out of this stupid rehab, I’ll start whispering in his ear. That’s all it takes — whispers. I win. I ALWAYS win.”

[varkam]

8. Thanks for that, elleng.

Good read.

[Dorian Gray]

7. Varkam

admitting it is a huge part of the battle. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this albatross around your neck, but I truly hope that you can recover. It's a serious and soul-destroying (in the metaphorical, not religious context) affliction.

Those stains on your soul, however, are the constant reminders that will help you get beyond the affliction. But with them, you will still be an incredible person capable of great good. They will not diminish your personhood.

[varkam]

9. Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their responses.

It means a lot to know that there is support out there. :pals:

[abq e streeter]

10. I am starting to realize that I am too

I'm seeing my counselor on tuesday and we will get more specific than we've been about what path to take, because there's less and less doubt in my mind about what is happening as far as being out of control . I have to do something now. Is it OK of I PM you sometime ( sooner rather than later)? Your OP has been helpful and even inspirational to read .Thanks for taking the time to read this, abq e streeter