Well, I finished my first semester.

[varkam]

Law school was a lot harder than I had anticipated, for many reasons. Foremost, I was expecting it to be a lot like a full time job - but in reality it was like two full time jobs (in addition to my part-time job that I kept to try to make some money). I'm getting some grades back now, and it turns out that I have done pretty well for my first semester.

But there have been a couple of troubling aspects to it all. It's been a lot harder to stay serene mentally. That's really been my fault - I made a lot of decisions out of fear, and I suffered as a result. Instead of being brutally honest with those closest to me about my struggles, I have in to shame and isolation. I have taken care of that, at least insofar as getting honest with the people that matter is concerned, but I know that I can't keep doing that.

I guess one of the reasons for that was what I found out about the bar exam. To make a long story short, there's going to be problems with me getting to sit for the exam, which no one at my school knew when they accepted me even despite me disclosing my past. Depending on who I have talked to, the probability ranges from "snowball's chance in hell" to "uphill battle". I might have to end up suing to get my license (kind of appropriate, when you think about it), or I might not get it at all. And so I was afraid to be honest with people, thinking that if I was honest then I'd shoot myself in the foot when it came time to apply for the bar.

I realized that's a really dangerous way of living. Recovery (for me, anyway) is built on personal integrity. I might be able to improve my chances by lying through my teeth - but at what cost? It is a tremendous act of surrender for me to be honest and let the chips fall where they may. I have to understand that most of this is going to be out of my hands, and the only thing that I can do is to do the next right thing. If it turns out that I really can't practice, then so be it, but I don't want to do it if I can't get there through honesty and integrity.

I'm not looking for a free pass for the things that I have done. I understand that I have cause a lot of pain and suffering for a lot of people. I try to do my best to make amends, and maybe all of this is just part of that. We'll see. In the end, though, I figure that this is worth it. I believe that there will be some way I can put my knowledge to use for others. I might even be able to practice, if not here then elsewhere, and if not after graduation then sometime down the road.

At any rate, I just want to say thanks to everyone here for their support in my recovery. It's helped immensely.

:pals:

[NMDemDist2]

1. well done Vark, and let the future lie in HP's hands

you'll be right where you need to be and that's a long way from now.

Today is all we have, let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.

:yourock:

:pals:

[elleng]

2. Hey, we've got your back!

Let me know if you wanna discuss, and good luck! You've got the mind for it!

[Kajsa]

3. Good job, Varkam!

You put in the work and effort,
and I am very proud of you!

:hug: :D

[Justpat]

4. You have been a big help to many here.

We are a bunch of addicts helping one another live sober for another day.

It sounds like you have a good attitude about doing your best to do your part,
then turn it over.


:pals:

[Joe Chi Minh]

5. You seem to be part of a group of remarkable people on here, Varam.

It's uplifting reading these posts. People with all kinds of painful problems, but their goodness shines through.

Through you, it's much easier to see the transcendant dimension in our human nature. Perseverance and endurance under trials, and hope in the midst of uncertainty - an indomitable spirit - does inspire a certain awe in human beings. It helps to give meaning to our lives, all of us being "part of the continent, part of the main." No-one is alone.