After 23 years sobriety...

[SPKrazy]

this quote still is important to me, as is this whole chapter, as is the entire big book...

"We know what you are thinking. You are saying to yourself: "I'm
jittery and alone. I couldn't do that." But you can. You forget that
you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself.
To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a
matter of willingness, patience and labor."

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, A Vision For You, pg. 163~

My life has taken turns and side trips, and straight off into the unknown, it's a journey, but I still feel this way sometimes.

"jittery and alone", I am by nature fearful and have prayed my ass off, take meds for anxiety and depression, and yet, I still have yet to make it from ship to shore on this one. I am alone, and feel less stress. I get lonely too. I want to have relationships and yet I don't want the heartbreak I feel I will get, even from non-romantic platonic AA friendships. Or other friendships.

I'm opening up about this because it is something that keeps me from being happy. I want to be happy, joyous, and free. I want to feel like I am happy go lucky and not afraid. I don't know what is wrong. I've at times just imagined that I expect too much, or that I am incapable of it. I honestly don't like the meetings in the city I live in, and haven't for 19 years.

I have other problems that I deal with another 12 step program with and to be honest, it makes me feel "less than" other AA'ers who seem to be doing fine.

I have come across high school friends I partied hard with and they seem to have come out without a problem and that freaks me out. I'm hoping that when I go to my high school reunion I come across some sober classmates.

I know, I'm on the verge of or right in, self pity, and am struggling to not get there or to get out one or the other.

But that quote, haunts me.

Thanks

[NMDemDist2]

1. I loved what George, my fairy God Biker once said in a meeting

"Serenity isn't the absence of the storm, it is the quiet space within the storm"

The storms happen, but my Higher Power hasn't brought me this far to drop me on my head now. I think of page 53 'we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?'

Once I realize my job is just to suit up and show up and do what's right (even when it's difficult) and then leave the results to the Universe, I lose my fear.

Every time my mind returns to what ever is bugging me, I apologize to my HP, reminding myself that I don't control the results. Over and over all day, I apologize. Until I'm sick of running that script through my head.

Then I ask myself "What would you be doing right now if you weren't bat chit nutz?"

It's usually something like 'reading a book' or 'doing the dishes' so that's what I go do.

:hug:

Don't know if that helps at all SPK, it's just what I do. YMMV

:pals:

[Justpat]

2. If it is any consolation to you,

on Jan 2nd, I celebrated 28 years and sometimes I have those feelings too.

There is no amount of time in the program that exempts us from being human.
It is just that now we know what to do when those times come, as we know they
will for most of us.


At some point in recovery, I decided to accept sobriety in every aspect of my life
and that included relationships, the most difficult thing for me by far.
After twelve years of sobriety, I ended up getting some help for myself at a place
called The Option Institute that made sense to me and made me more willing to
face the places in my heart that I felt were damaged beyond repair.

And when I am feeling myself slip into some crazy old thoughts and feelings,
I go back to the second step - the place where I decided to shit or get off the
pot. As NMDem said, either God is what he say he is, or he ain't. So I came
to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity because
He/She loved me beyond all reason. It worked for me.


Also, about the meetings... I do not go to meetings that are a downer. I find ones
that are positive and fun and loving and have good coffee.

Keep in touch. You are not alone.

[Joe Chi Minh]

4. It's what the formal Christian church calls Providence or Divine Providence,

and whatever appearances to the contrary, it, that loving prevenient care can never be derailed.

Of course, there are non-believers who cannot accept that such extremities of cruelty and suffering as we read about in the papers or hear on the news could be allowed to happen by an all-loving and all-powerful God, and that, in a sense is, of course, a rational response. Our lives seem the "be all" and "end all" while we suffer in this valley of tears, yet how could it be compared to eternity, to a life without end of infinite joy, is the way believers interpret this suffering.

Unfortunately, I'm prone to regularly explode during the course of the day, but I generally do so to relieve momentary anguish, and so it doesn't go very deep or fester. However, sometimes, like today, I keep wingeing, harping on the same theme, really because I don't want to "let go" - though it's all surface and doesn't depress me, because I can never forget Providence's role. I must have got a certain comfort from whingeing about it to my wife, though. But it's barmy reallyand I know there's a comical element about my impotent rage.

Yesterday, I couldn't get a bet on an internet bookie's site through a fault of its own software, and it won at 15/2. I might even have got a better price. Today, I wrote down that I'd staked so much on a win bet - it even looked as if I'd added a little to my original stake. Nowhere to be found. I must have intended to do it and been distracted. It won at 13/2 and I was hooting with joy.

Indeed, many believers of other faiths, too, are convinced that God's Providence is never derailed, nor ever could be. To the materialist, that is irrational, but as Hamlet said to Horatio (or was it Hagar the Horrible to Lucky?) "There are more things in heaven and earth than were ever dreamt of in your philosophy, Horatio/Hagar?"

Low spirits though hit us all at different time in differing degrees, of course, and people have different ways of coping as best they can, SPKrazy. Scripture has some passages I find beautifully soothing, such as "For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall you be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength." Also, of course, music can contribute.

[RetroLounge]

3. After 18 years sober

"jittery and alone" is not unfamiliar to me.

:hug:

RL

[Kajsa]

5. SPKrazy,

'jittery and alone" describes how I feel,sometimes.

I know my HP is there, but I lose contact with him/her
and need to reestablish it to get back on track.

Comparing yourself to others, ESPECIALLY "normies"
( non-alcoholics/addicts) can be self destructive.
How do you know they "come out without a problem"?
There could be lots of problems there you don't know
about.

Going to meetings and sharing with other alcoholics/addicts
reminds me of where I came from and where I am today.
That's a much better measure of improvement.

When all else fails, get out the Gratitude List.
There is anyways something/someone who belongs
there.

:hug: