Would you recommend this book to an alcoholic in recovery?

[MH1]

Hi,

This is my first post in this group, I think. I am looking for some advice on supporting a friend who is struggling with recovery (for the second time, after years of drinking after years of being sober from the first round of 12 steps). This is long distance, so a lot of the stuff I could maybe do (not sure, I'm new to this) like going to meetings with him and so forth, I can't do. But I want to encourage him any way I can, and one thing I thought of is recommending a book that I think is very good. But I am wondering if you all, who have experienced this yourself, have any opinions on this book and whether I should recommend it.

The book is, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424505/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1239459845&sr=8-1


Here is what the four agreements are:

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

From the cover of the book:

Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I think the first agreement is so important, because he speaks of hating himself sometimes, and it breaks my heart...he is such a great guy.

Anyway what do you all think? I dearly appreciate any wisdom and experience you can share that will help me help him.

[elleng]

1. I don't know, but

I would recommend Dr. Milams work.

http://www.lakesidemilam.com/DrMilamPositionPapers.htm

[IndyOp]

2. One of my favorite A.A. sayings -- The only thing an alcoholic doesn't like any more

than unsolicited advice is... UNSOLICITED ADVICE.

If your friend is attending A.A. then, hopefully, they are finding that the A.A. literature and meetings and having a sponsor and talking with A.A. friends will take them where they need to go.

I am not an alcoholic, just a grateful attendee of A.A. meetings -- I belong to another 12-Step Fellowship -- and I've recently thrown away YEARS of self-help literature that got me nowhere. I read program literature and that's it.

If you are member of A.A. then I am sorry if my reply steps on your toes at all - I am just sharing my own experience, strength, and hope.

[elleng]

3. As we know, everyone is different,

and this is certainly the case for alcoholics seeking relief. MH1's friend might just benefit from some new thoughts and approaches.

[MH1]

5. Thank you

for a much more hopeful response than IndyOp's.

The link you provided above was interesting and useful. Good corroboration of what I already firmly believe - alcoholism is no more the alcoholic's fault than cancer is the cancer victim's fault. That's certainly obvious once one acknowledges the biochemical basis of it.

[MH1]

4. You think NO recommendation would be good, you have no opinion on this specific book, I take it.

[Justpat]

6. It is a great book,

but I'm not sure if it would transform the mind of an alcoholic.

The steps of AA are a psychiatric do it yourself kit. They are a
set of principles that have been around for ages. I would suggest
he try doing the AA thing again with new eyes and ears.

In my experience, there is no reading material that takes the place
of shared experience.

Good luck to your friend. He is lucky to have a friend who cares like you do.

All the best... pat

[MH1]

7. Thank you for your kind words and insights

He is trying AA again and seems hopeful, but at other times frustrated. I am new to AA and some things concern me. But if it is working for him then that is all that matters. He had a setback Thursday and I just wish I knew what I could do. But I am getting that there isn't much I can do, particularly being long distance, except to check in and express my support from time to time. He has other friends and supporters around him, I just hope they are enough.

[elleng]

8. Its SO good of you to be around for him.

Lots of people have had and do have concerns with AA. There may be some here who have similar concerns. If he's ONLY done 12 step programs, and if he's unaware of the scientific concensus about alcoholism, you may find a time to inform him.

There are probably resources/programs where he's located which provide the education which would help him, hospitals for example. I think 'self-diagnosis' is a major step toward recovery, so he'll recognize the symptoms he's had for many years, say AHA, and move forward.

You yourself may be interested to read about Dr. Milam's work. Under the Influence is a very informative book.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[MH1]

9. Thank you, again

I have only just reconnected with him after a long time. I was devastated to learn of his problems with alcohol...he is one of the real gems among people I have known in my life, that's why I initially made the effort to find him after several years.

I am afraid the emotion of our reconnecting might not even be good for him, but I have an inner voice (or something else?) telling me that I should do it, just be careful and as sensitive as I can be...which is unfortunately not always very sensitive, I am at least borderline Aspie. So this is a real challenge.

I am taking to heart all the posts here even the ones that say what I don't want to hear. I just need him to be safe each day and get through this. The good news is he's referred to his "alcohol addiction". Hopefully if he recognizes it as addiction he knows it is biochemically based and not his fault. We haven't gotten that far yet, hopefully will soon.

I think I will buy Under the Influence and read it. Thanks for the suggestion. (But what is AHA?)

[elleng]

10. Good luck to you and him.

I suspect that Under the Influencre is out of print, but you may be able to locate it somehow.

AHA is probably American Hospital Association??? Not certain.