My brother, mom, aunts, grandparents...now my daughter

[ramapo]

Hi...I'm a recovering parent, brother, son, nephew and grandson of alcoholics.

Writing that really boggles my mind as I try to honestly come to terms with a disease that has
followed me through life, much to my surprise and chagrin.

The latest impact came one month ago when our 25-yo daughter was arrested for DUI, and a big
time DUI at that, .22. Funny how it was both a shock and long expected. She moved home about
a year ago after losing a job, at least partly due to her alcohol abuse. She went to out-
patient rehab and attended AA meetings, but she just didn't seem to get it. There have since
been many incidents over the past year, producing much angst but doing little good.

After a recent binge we told her it was time to buy her own car and get off our insurance, basically before our asses got sued because of her actions. We had been giving her time to save some money after starting a new job and were letting her borrow my leased car. I went and replaced it nine months early just to make her life easier. Talk about enabling....

So she gets her car. Three days and 240 miles later it is in the tow yard and she is on the
phone with the news she that she is under arrest. She had gotten a bottle of vodka
and drank it while sitting alone in the car. Her only explanation was that we didn't like her
drinking at home. Pretty fucked up. Somehow this came as a shock, yet not a surprise, even though I was convinced she'd never do anything so reckless, even though I was terrified that she would.

In the weeks since, we've attended a couple of Al-Anon and Families Anonymous meetings. I've
read a lot about the disease and how to deal with it as a parent.

I am learning that it is time, well past time, to let go and make good on what I've long
known. There is nothing that I can do about her problem. It is entirely up to her. She is
no longer my kid, that person is long gone. She will always be our daughter and we will
always love her but our job of raising her is done. Now is time for us to thoroughly disengage. For better or for worse, she will have to make her own recovery, if that is what is to be. We can
talk and reason and plead and on and on, but we now understand that that is all to no avail.

But damn it, that is a hard thing to do as a parent. After all, this person was my little girl. I read a great book, Don't Let Your Kids Kill You, written by somebody who has been through it all. He had many excellent insights which have already helped me get started on the road to becoming a new person. I realize this is something I need to do just as much as my daughter does.

She has, since her arrest, been to an AA meeting each day, sometimes two. A good start and hopefully she now has the inspiration to change her life. That remains to be seen...just one day at a time, right?

We revoked her driving privileges immediately, without any protest. There was no way we could allow her the opportunity to destroy innocent lives. Her court date is coming up and she'll lose her license for at least seven months. It'll cost her at least ten thousand dollars over three years. But she is getting off easy, her life could've ended or been destroyed, along with some innocent person(s). The cop who stopped her did us all a big favor. Had she made it home, we would've no doubt ranted endlessly at her. But the fact that she had survived would've just validated her experience. Scary stuff.

My brother died an awful and early death from alcoholism. He was just a few months older than
I am now. I need to control the fear that this is how our daughter will end up. It is easy to intellectually understand that there is no reason to fear a future that hasn't come yet, and may very well never happen. Actually not fearing it is hard work. But our daughter has a tough road ahead too if she is to get her life under control.

I am finding it helpful to write about what is going on. I did try a therapist right after
the arrest but the therapist just made matters worse, telling me that I had to intervene, get
her into rehab and control her recovery. Perhaps this would be good advice had our daughter
been 17 years old. It doesn't work too well with an adult. Anyway...right now writing this
is pretty cheap therapy for me.

My goal is to get to a point where this situation no longer consumes most of my thought
process. I have had so many conversations with her in my head, all trying to make her see the light, but they all end up in the same place, nowhere.

For now, we will help our daughter get to work and AA meetings while her license is suspended, as long as she does not start drinking. If she makes the choice to begin again, she will have to find her own way. These are difficult boundaries to set but we see no other way.

Oddly enough, I see this situation as being both awful and one that jolts me into a new life.

Time will tell.... Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far.

[elleng]

1. PLEASE let her know,

and the rest of your family,

Addiction is a biogenic (i.e., physical) disease that ultimately affects every area of the victim's life.

2. The dysfunction of the genetically altered central nervous system causes the erratic behavior of the alcoholic.

3. Addiction is an eminently treatable disease that can be arrested like diabetes or hypertension, but not “cured.”

Alcoholism is our #1 public health problem—and getting worse.


Alcoholism is a physical addiction—not the symptom of a psychological problem.


http://www.lakesidemilam.com/index.htm

[ramapo]

2. Great articles

Thanks for the pointer. I read these the other day, saw the link on another post.

The fact that the physical disease affects the mental process is a great insight. I've known that alcoholism is a physical and progressive disease but had the misunderstanding that one's emotional/mental problems can be the trigger. Now I believe our daughter's trigger was her genetic susceptibility to alcohol.

What is so odd about this disease is that sometimes those who are suffering aren't ready for the treatment. I guess that is because the treatment is spiritual/behavioral and if you're not ready to take that medicine...well the disease marchers on. That has been some of the source of our frustrations..it is easy to see the solution but you can't force somebody other than yourself to take the "medicine".

[elleng]

3. The horror of the disease is for the reason you note,

Some think that people must get to the 'bottom' before they're ready to take the medicine. For some, their friends and families telling/showing them how damaged they are, how they have hurt others and themselves, works.

An important part of the recovery process, I think, is being able to diagnose oneself. I think there's info on this in Dr. Milam's work, referred to above.

BEST OF LUCK for you, your daughter, and your family.

[NMDemDist2]

4. ramapo

:hug:

your essay is the very definition of alcoholism and how it effects everyone in the family.

you've already gotten some great advice in this thread, just keep at it. Alanon is a great start if you don't have any trouble with the spiritual aspects of the 12 steps. It will change how you react to whatever your daughter goes through in her life.

one day at a time friend :hug:

[Kajsa]

5. Ramapo, thank you for

sharing your story with us.

I too come from a family with alcoholics up and down all branches
of the family tree.

It is a family disease and affects everyone connected to an alcoholic.

You are on the right track.

It took a lot of tough love from my family to help get
me on the road to sobriety.

Keep up the good work.

Yes, it is One Day at a Time.

:hug: