My strongest resentment...is..me.

[Stuart G]

Into some periods of deep self hatred now.

Been to one meeting today, may go to another..
Just plain tired...very tired.

.coming up on 3 years..clean from drugs and alcohol..

Depression and anxiety with me lately...not much to add.

........thanks for letting me talk..........Stuart G

[Joe Chi Minh]

1. Good to hear from you, Stuart. Don't dismiss the idea that there may be

a redemptive element to your suffering. Many years ago, when I was working as a hospital porter, I found that when I was feeling lousy, people were chuffed to see me and to talk to me; whereas when I felt on top of the world, everyone I met seemed miserable! It makes me laugh thinking about it, but it was true. Certainly posts like this one of yours speak to us all at a very deep level, as if it helps us get in touch with the only really important dimension of our existence: we live for other, or we are the losers. so you shouldn't apologise. Theads about mourning also have this kind of peace-giving effect. Sounds twisted, but its not.

It certainly wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea on here, but I find the psalms very soothing; also music. Simon and Garf, for example. Or an incredible hymn in latin sung by Andrea Bocelli called Panis Angelicus. Also by Chloe Agnew. Both on YouTube.

[NMDemDist2]

2. God has already forgiven you. Are you smarter than God?

nope, didn't think so.

do your amends and forgive yourself. Watch your internal dialog, don't think anything about yourself that you wouldn't let someone say about your mother, sister or best friend. When you catch yourself thinking bad stuff about yourself, change the thought immediately and apologize to yourself.

Drop the rock dude. Seriously..

here's a really tough one, but if you can do it, I promise it will change your life in 30 days.

Go into the bathroom, look yourself straight in the eyes and say OUT LOUD "I love you, I really love you."

the first three times I tried that, I just about exploded. I wept, I screamed, I ran.

but I kept doing it and kept doing it. For 30 days.

just make sure you have a sponsor handy that has some time, you'll be doing 4th and 5th steps every other day. then amends. then recovery.

if, after that 'little' (lol) exercise you are still depressed, try some Oil of Evening Primrose. lots of alkies have weird brain chemistry so if you're not already taking physician subscribed medication, try the Evening Primrose, I've seen miraculous changes in several people as long you do the mental/spiritual work too.

:hug:

:pals:

:hug:

[Stuart G]

3. Last night I went to a meeting..It was an open

meeting with two speakers and I saw some of my AA friends there. I survived without going back to the drugs and booze that used to use. Your advise on self love and mirror work is good and I will try it. I am very very stubborn and have a hard time with any kind of self love exercises. Sometimes they work, and often they don't.
.. God may have forgiven me, but sometimes I don't forgive me. That is the way I think sometimes.

I know that only a power greater than I can restore my to me to sanity. But this is a tough time for me.
Some new arthritic pain and other challenges.
I will try to get through this day without doing harm to me. I will probably go to a meeting of another 12 step program that I am involved in. I will see. Thank you for your advise and help. I will do my what I can do. I will try to turn this thinking over. That is very hard for me. Thanks again..

Stuart

[NMDemDist2]

4. ...

:hug:

hang in there, sorry it's rough right now

:hug:

[raccoon]

12. This is a keeper,

"do your amends and forgive yourself. Watch your internal dialog, don't think anything about yourself that you wouldn't let someone say about your mother, sister or best friend. When you catch yourself thinking bad stuff about yourself, change the thought immediately and apologize to yourself."

So many of us are unmercifully critical of ourselves. I know I am.

[NMDemDist2]

14. I was too, and what I suggested is what I did

badly at first, better with practice.

today, I am fairly 'right sized'

I know I have flaws and weaknesses, but I don't discount the strengths and talents I do have.

[get the red out]

5. Do something

Sometimes I need to just do stuff, get out of my head. Exercise, read a book, talk to friends in the program about what is going on with them; there is STUFF out there and since I am sober I can take my pick. I go through the rough stuff depression-wise myself, last fall was a living hell for me, I got so depressed during the election period over problems in my marriage (combined with fears of the Republicans) that I thought I would loose my mind. I just kept waking through it, I talked to people about it (especially my sponsor and another woman in the fellowship with lots of sobriety) and kept going and did my best to do the next right thing. Prayer and meditation are good too. And I am big on exercise for clearing my head, but that's just a personal preference. Stuff like this will pass, I have had to walk through these periods several times. Bill Wilson would become so immersed in depression that he would be just lying on the couch in the clubhouse in New York for long periods of time basically immobilized. If the co-founder of AA isn't too high and mighty to go through it neither am I.

It is another experience, part of the human experience. And like someone said above, God has forgiven you for whatever is in your head, do you know better than the Universal Spirit? Hard to get there when I am in the middle of it, but it is true.

You said you are coming upon a sobriety anniversary, that always makes me squirmy as heck, and I am coming upon one right now, Tuesday (October 6, 1992). And so far it has happened every year to me. I think we kind of mentally time travel to the end of the bad road leading to sobriety, dredging up feelings. But they tell me feelings aren't facts, and I keep trying to believe that, LOL!

Best wishes to you. Everyone's lives are journeys, whether they know it or not.

[Joe Chi Minh]

13. When a parishioner suffering from "scruples" came to St Philip Neri

for confession, Philip just told him to run round the block a couple of times!

[Joe Chi Minh]

6. Another thing to ponder, Stuart, is that most of the rest of mankind, I believe,

whatever has occurred in the intervening years, you are still essentially the same person as you were when you were an innocent, mostly happy (I trust) little boy.

The world can and does throw all manner of difficulties and troubles in our path as adults, some more than others, but it's comforting to remember the time when our view of ourselves hadn't been clouded by senses of inadequacy/failure and guilt, in the latter case, whether specific or just a general feeling; we had the hopeful innocence of all young creatures, and the world was still full of wonderful-seeming prospects. Essentially, you are no different at all, identical. The rest is all trials of one kind or another we try to deal with as best we can. Even God can't ask more.

I don't know if you're at all religous, but when I'm feeling uncomfortable and besieged by self-doubt, I find that saying, even repeating a few times, the brief act of contrition used by Catholics can be unusually effective. In case you're intersted, it goes like this:

"Oh my God, I am sorry for having sinned against you, because I have offended your infinite goodness, and with the help of your grace, I resolve never to sin again."

None of this may speak to your condition at the moment, which is why I didn't post it on the thread, but I hope some of it may be helpful.

Every best wish

Joe Chi Minh

[NMDemDist2]

7. Read the last couple pages from the story "Freedom from Bondage"

that always helps me......

in the 4th edition it's pp 551-552

[Stuart G]

8. Day 2 of mirror work..odd...but some improvement..

Looking in the mirror and saying one loves themselves is odd. But I am doing it. Seems only fair. If I am going to say nasty things to me, I can say nice things too. Thanks for your support and all those who have given support here.

[NMDemDist2]

10. good on ya man!!

hubby always says when he starts feeling shitty he asks himself "What have I STOPPED doing from when I was feeling OK?"

then he starts doing whatever it was again LOL

:hug:

[Joe Chi Minh]

11. I wonder how many people NMDemDist2 has been able to help through

her care and her vast fund of understanding; and then how many people they have managed to help.

Of course, others, notably, Kajsa, also contribute in no small measure with their care and insights, but NMDemDist2 just seems to be like a star football or baseball coach. A wily old dude, who's forgotten more about the problem, or rather the remedies, than we're ever likely to learn! Well, let me rephrase that: A wily young Dude. (Marriage has taught me a thing or two. My wife resents giving her date of birth to hospital staff!)

[w8liftinglady]

15. I was helped tremendously...working on loving myself,too.

Stuart...for what it's worth,we're here with you.

[Kajsa]

9. I know what you are saying, Stuart.

It's one of the traits of my drinking days
that comes back with a vengeance.

The " if only" " coulda, woulda, shoulda"
will drive you completely crazy if you let
it.
It's as productive as trying to find nutritional
value in cotton candy. It's not there.

You've gotten some great advice from everyone here.
Tell yourself aloud that you love the man in the mirror.
It's hard as hell at times, but it really works.

This too shall pass- I promise!

Hang in there!

:hug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

16. And that may be the ego finding a way to stay in resentment-

-by attacking itself. Anything to generate a reason to use.

Cunning, baffling and powerful. Self-pity (my specialty) is just as bad as denial and grandiosity.

Go to a meeting. Then go to a meeting. Fellowship. Contrary action. Be of service...you know the drill, having gained three years :)

Congratualtions on that, and remember that you're doing better than you -think- you're doing. Remember, "thinking is not a tool of program" :rofl: