Pain that I don't know how to deal with

[varkam]

A couple of months ago I met a woman and fell in love with her. She fell in love with me, too. She's also in recovery, though in a different program but has experience with the twelve steps. Things were going very well, and we both seemed very happy. I know that I had never felt as good as I felt when I was with her. Last week she told me that she wasn't sure if it was God's will that she was in this relationship, and that she needed some time and space to figure that out.

I want to give her that, and I only want to be good for her recovery, but the pain is like nothing I've ever felt. I guess imagine being in love -- like flying around on a pink cloud in love -- and then losing that. I've wanted to act out in all sorts of self-destructive ways to try to numb how I feel. I've wanted to act out with booze, sex, and other self-destructive behaviors just to get away from how bad it feels and I just don't know how to deal with the pain. I guess that's been my problem my whole life, that I've never known how to deal with the pain and so before I'd always just run away somehow.

So now I'm not, and I really don't know what to do. Being here, in this place, is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. As some of you may know, I've struggled with faith and with God for my whole life, too, but now I'm finding that I'm relating to God, as I understand God, in a way I never have before...but it still hurts so much. I want her to be happy and healthy, but I miss her so much and am so terrified that the only reason she felt about me the way she does is because she wasn't well.

I'm trying to focus on other things that need to get done, like finals and my upcoming hearing for the bar exam, but I'm sitting here in a coffee shop and I feel like I'm going to die, and so I'm writing this. I know that everyone has to deal with pain, and that learning how to live with that and not resort to our old patterns of behavior is part of recovery, so I guess I just hope that someone here has some words of wisdom.

[elleng]

1. So sorry to hear of your pain, Varkam,

but happy to hear of your relationship.

My thought at the moment: Breathe, and 'hand it over.' I know darned well the difficulty of not being able to control, but that's life, tho.

She will likely return to your happiness, imo, when she recognizes the reason for it, you 2 doing well together, in 'God's' eyes.

:hi:
:hug:

[varkam]

2. Thank you. I really don't know why this is so hard.

I've been through difficult times before. I lost everything when I hit bottom, and believed I was going to lose my freedom, as well. I feel even worse than I did then. I really don't understand it. I'm trying so hard to surrender and hand it over, but something in my heart won't let me. It's like I want to put my hands on this relationship and try to do things my way...but I know in my head that won't work. I guess the trouble I'm having is figuring out how to get from what I know to what I believe...if that makes sense.

[Tripod]

3. Just don't drink or use today.

I feel your pain, too. I'm also dealing with a break up during my early recovery, Here's too. I don't have great words of wisdom, but hang in there. My suggestion is to keep reaching out, and telling others what is going on. It helps me to share my pain with others. Varkum, I hope you get through this soon. I'll pray for you. ;)

[Justpat]

4. One of the things that really pissed me off early in sobriety

was the abundance of pithy sayings that were everywhere in meetings. You know, the usual stuff: one day at a time, easy does it,
let go and let God, etc.
I hated them with a passion. I thought if sober people were reduced to using slogans as the guideposts of their lives that they
were a pathetic bunch of losers. But I was living in a car with an infant and a 140lb dog at the time. I was homeless and unemployable yet
I criticized everyone on the meetings for their constant use of slogans. Now I am one of those people who use these slogans on a daily
basis and have realized that these saying have been around in their abbreviated, bumper sticker form for so long because there is a
great deal of truth to them.

I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. I think we addicts feel loss in a way that is so deep and searing.
But when you come to believe in the Higher Power of your choice, you come to rely on the profound wisdom of that
Being. If this woman has gone out of your life it might be because there is an even more spectacular woman waiting to
come into it. There is a lot of peace that comes with this belief.

Hang in there. You will be OK.

[Tripod]

5. + 1

[Tripod]

6. Varkam, I respect you as a Moderator.

Your post are inspiring. I feel your range of emotions, and I identify with them. Myself, Tripod, saw my girlfriend, the one I have talked about here. And I saw her, and spoke to her, earlier tonight. Such bitter, sweet, sorrow. I love her, and she loves me. I spoke about it at an AA meeting tonight, How I'm having difficulty deciding what to do at this stage of my sobriety, with tears rolling out of my eyes. Thank you my friend, for forgiving me, and comfort.

[Taverner]

7. Wisdom from a legal junkie: Can you meditate?

If so, that's about the only good advice I can give you

Otherwise, take everything I say with a salt lick big enough to satisfy a farm raised sheep

[varkam]

8. I can -- and have been.

It's been a big help to me, for sure. I'm not very good at it, but I'm finding that I don't need to be

[Taverner]

9. I suck at meditation

And it has helped me emotionally out of many a jam

This, from an Atheist