Character and Fitness

[varkam]

Today, I will find out if I get to be an attorney. I will be told whether or not I possess the requisite moral character to sit for the bar exam. It's a day that I've waited almost three years for, now. Of course, while I've been waiting, I've kept pretty busy. Between law school, life, and recovery, it's been a pretty full, heart-breaking, beautiful, grinding, challenging, rewarding, intense, and lovely three years.

I knew that this day was coming, I just never really expected it to actually be here. I've gone through law school never actually believing that I could do this. For most people, the motivation for going through it all is the knowledge that there's something better at the end of the road. That there's a job, a brighter future -- to be an attorney.

I never had that, though. My first few months it was expressed to me that I probably wasn't going to be able to take the bar exam. That I was a criminal, and that was all that I would ever be. That I should drop out. Cut my losses.

But I didn't. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm stubborn. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm an addict. Maybe all of the above. And three years and a hundred thousand dollars later, maybe none of that matters now. Truth be told, throughout my whole time I law school I never knew how I was going to deal with it if they said no. I always figured I'd go to pieces. Turn my back on recovery. Kill myself -- either quick-like, or slow.

But I guess it wasn't until I wrote that post the other day that I realized something very important. I never came to law school to be an attorney. I never came here to get a law license. Those things were just means to an end. I don't want to do corporate law. I could care less about money. I came here because, like I wrote, I wanted to speak for my people. The criminals. The lost and the broken. Accused and the damned. I wanted to be a public defender, but they don't reserve the exclusive right to speak, to advocate, to make noise, to make people angry, to make people listen.

Even if I'm told I'll never be an attorney, even if I lose my job, even if I lose all my things and am living on the streets, I will have my education, and I'll have this beautiful thing called standing. So I can take myself down to the federal courthouse and file a lawsuit against the AG, and represent myself -- not to improve my own station, not to fix my own life, but to make noise. To speak for my people -- those that either can't or won't speak for themselves. To do what I came to law school to do -- to be the advocate.

And honestly, it's not what I want. I want a nice, quiet life. I want a steady job, a family, a white-picket fence and peace and quiet. The life of that kind of advocate is not for me. It's fraught with fear and pitfalls. The only thing worse than being an unsuccessful advocate for something unpopular is being successful. Then, once people start to listen, things get scary.

The only thing that I hate more than the idea of essentially putting myself in the fire like that is how right it feels. I sincerely, sincerely hope it's not a God's will thing.

But I realize that's never been up to me, and this isn't either. All I can do for tonight is to pray -- not for an outcome, but for serenity, courage, and wisdom.

I hope you're all doing well :pals: This place and you all in it have helped me tremendously over the past few years. Endless is my gratitude for the knowledge that my struggle is our struggle.

[elleng]

1. Dear Varkam,

:hug:

[varkam]

2. They said no, unfortunately.

I'm in a lot of pain, but they didn't say no forever. They left the door open for me to reapply, and since the fees carry over, I'll try again. In the meantime, I know that I've got a lot of work to do on myself in light of all these recent realizations that I've made. And the really cool thing is that, not only am I not dead, but I'm actually sober.

:pals:

Thanks for your support ellen :)

[elleng]

3. So sorry, varkam, but happy you're well.

When you can, please explain how they left door open. Say more than 'you may reapply?' Reason for saying 'no?'

:hi:

[NMDemDist2]

4. 'praying ONLY for God's will for us...

and the power to carry that out'

i know how hard you've worked V, but you can ONLY ask for God's will and pray for the power to carry it out.

is it tough??? hell yes! but great things lie ahead of you if you keep suiting up and showing up. you just don't know what they are yet.

:pals:

[ismnotwasm]

5. I'm sorry it didn't work out this time

But I'm so glad they left a door open. (I have a quite life now, it's awesome, but I bring out my advocacy fire when needed)