Alcoholic?

[Madrone]

Hello all -

I have a question about common behaviors of alcoholics..... What are they?

I am dating someone that from what I can see has a serious problem. It wasn't real evident at first - but now I'm pretty sure that with the exception of one week during the entire time we've been acquainted he's been drunk/drinking. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to spend the night with him anymore because it smells like he's been soaked in booze and set aside to marinate. Having someone radiating that stench whilst trying to drape themselves over me is just about as far from a turn-on as one could get.

What's become clear:

He always has a liter(gallon?) bottle of Bacardi stashed away in a cupboard somewhere - but almost never out on a counter in plain sight.

I think I've only seen him pour a drink two or three times since we started dating in July.

He always has a HUGE (at least 32oz) insulated, covered cup with a straw in it nearby.

Sometimes I see him drink from the cup - but not as often as you'd think. Mostly I think he's already loaded before I show up.

At first he'd be a real ASS - and seemingly out of nowhere. Mean, agitated, etc. That behavior overshadowed the suspicion I had about his drinking because it was so much more obvious. Now that he's done a 180 in behavior out of fear of me leaving the drinking seems to be much more noticeable to me.



I don't know. It just seems to me like he's sort of sneaky about his drinking - but not "hide the bottle behind the toilet and make many trips to the bathroom" sneaky - just... low key? I've gone to see him at noon - and I think he's drunk. 6pm right after work - I think he's drunk. It's really hard to tell because he maintains SOOOOOO well - but that freaks me out even more. I feel like this must be a HUGE problem if he can hide it so well. If I were to drink a fraction of what I suspect he does there's no one that would have ANY doubt I was wasted - but with him I'm not always sure.

I don't want to date someone with a problem of this magnitude - I have enough to deal with in my own life without adding complication and trouble from someone else's problem. I'm afraid if I bring it up he'll vow to be straight then REALLY hide it and be sneaky - because surely it can't be that simple for him to just stop? And I don't believe him stopping for ME will ever work anyway - it never does when someone attempts change simply to hang on to someone else. It's bad enough that he just *barely* tolerates my dog! ;)

Anyway - I figured this may be the best place to seek a better understanding of the situation and what options I may have - as well as their possible outcomes.


TIA for any advice.

[NMDemDist2]

1. sounds like you have it figured out

so I'd suggest you run, run like the wind and get the hell out.

:hug:

[KitchenWitch]

2. Sounds to me like a drinking problem

In the early stages of alcoholism, the alcoholic drinks trying to get that "good feeling" of the first time drunk. In the later stages, the alcoholic drinks trying to maintain a feeling of normalcy. Sounds like you have stumbled upon someone in later stages.

My suggestion: if you are not too invested in the guy, I would walk away. You have seen glimpses of the ugliness, but not truly how ugly it can get.

[liberaltrucker]

3. Dump the dude...NOW!!!!

If you don't, you'll seriously regret it.

[Justpat]

4. !. He sounds like an alcohlic to me

2. He doesn't like pets.

3. Run for your life.

Most alcoholics can maintain for a long time. My most outstanding
trait as an alcoholic for many years was my abililty to drink
frightening quantities of alcohol and stay on my feet.

Toward the end, it gets ugly.
No more running away, no more denial.

[Madrone]

5. Well - This weekend I laid it down.

It's been really working in this direction for a long time. The relationship has NEVER been what I would deem "good" - not even from the beginning. I've been patient, and I've been understanding. I've given one more chance - about a brazillion times.

And it's not like it's *just* the drinking. He's not politically aware, doesn't care about our government or voting (what can we do, he says), doesn't read, isn't interested in music, or movies, or art or culture.

Anyway - I'm a girl that can't live under anyone's rules - and he likes to impose his upon me. He's horribly jealous, and has been accusing me of sleeping with every Tom's Harry Dick imaginable from almost the beginning. If he pisses me off and I don't want to spend time with him it MUST be because I'm sleeping with someone else. So - some accusation like that came forth again about a week and a half ago - and that was it for me. I can't believe it took this long, anyone that knows me can't believe it took that long - I LOVE being by myself and don't tolerate bullshit. The switch has flipped, and I'm done.

Now he's devastated, begging for ONE MORE (how many one more's do you expect? I asked him) chance - can't sleep, can't eat, neeeeeeeeeeeds me, yada yada you know the routine.... and I don't care. I warned him from the beginning he'd continue to push me until it came to this, and when it came there'd be no going back. So he's crying, and he's so sorry, and he's going to look into AA meetings, and he wants to know what he needs to do to get me back. I told him he's too late. What he needs to do is get his own shit straight, by himself, and for himself. Maybe the next woman he meets will end up being his perfect relationship - after he fixes himself. He's not happy with anything I have to say. He wants my support (ie enabling), and I'm not giving it.

[NMDemDist2]

6. well done! n/t

[demosincebirth]

7. Seems like you got your shit together.

You don't need his crap. You're doing him a favor, even though he doesn't know it, and in turn, you're making yourself strong. God bless and good luck. Find yourself a decent guy.



edit: spelling

[Madrone]

8. He IS a decent guy.

A very decent guy with a problem larger than I can deal with on an intimate level. I can easily be friends with him or anyone else with the same problem - but it's when they get too close and their problems start to become MY problem that I take issue. Sadly, it's far easier to be non-judgemental when it's not affecting my day to day life.

[demosincebirth]

9. We're not talking about friendship here are we? I f so, thats a whole,

different chapter.

I don't think you got the answer you were looking for here, but again, good luck.

[smirkymonkey]

10. Take care of yourself - and stay away.

Like they say, he has his own higher power. If you try to help him, he will drag you down with him. If he really wants help, he can go to treatment or AA. There is nothing you can do - he needs to help himself.

Do yourself a favor and try to detach (it sounds like you have, but people like this are very cunning and have a way of drawing you back into their drama.) I have seen this situation so many times and it always ends up tragically. It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders and you have made the right decision. You are really doing the best thing for him.