Today I celebrate 17 years clean and sober -

[vademocrat]

I now have been sober as long as I drank and used - this was one of those "I'll never be able to do that" thoughts from the early days.

Never would have happened without my higher power and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

:party: :party: :party:

[NMDemDist2]

1. Congrats!!! it's a miracle isn't it?

happy happy happy day! :woohoo:

[vademocrat]

2. Thanks - Yes it is a miracle

& I'm not even religious! I always tell folks who ask about such things that I'm more comfortable in church basements. It usually shuts them up...:evilgrin:

Every one of us staying sober one day at a time is a miracle!

[NMDemDist2]

3. yup, there is something inherently special about a drunk who

doesn't drink :rofl:

[vademocrat]

4. Just don't accuse me of being unique!

My terminal uniqueness is in remission, thank you very much! B-)

We're all living, breathing paradoxes - as my first sponsor used to say, "better than the alternative"!

[NMDemDist2]

5. LOL

i had a home group member that used to always introduce me as "a real alcoholic"

i always thought "...as opposed to an imaginary alky or what....???"

:evilgrin:

[vademocrat]

6. no faux alkys need apply!

I remember saying "& I'm a real alcoholic" for the first time and a little old lady with about a million years sobriety came up after the meeting and said "yes, you are". I was crushed - all I wanted was someone to say "no you're not, you can go now".
Now I wouldn't leave if they asked me to!

[stepnw1f]

7. congrats (nt)

[vademocrat]

10. Thank you!

:party:

[jeanarrett]

8. How'd you do it?

As they say. . . Congrats--

I'd love to be in your shoes.

[vademocrat]

9. Didn't drink or use NO MATTER WHAT one day at a time...

In the early days, sometimes it was a minute at a time. As in "right now I won't get in the car and go to the store to buy a six pack".

I don't know you or where you're at with sobriety but I do know anyone who's willing to change their life can be "in my shoes". There are always people walking the path ahead of us, beside us, and behind us - Good luck to you!

Thanks for your support!

:donut:

[NMDemDist2]

11. bingo! "RIGHT NOW i won't get into the car to get a 6 pak"

instead I will go read my Big Book or do my dishes, or take a shower and while I'm doing that I will ask a Higher Power (ANY higher power) to help me not walk out to the car. I will call another member of AA even if it's the hot line... I will drag the pillows over my head and scream and cry but RIGHT NOW i won't walk out to the car.............

[vademocrat]

14. It still amazes me that I remember the struggle -

I think that's part of why I've stayed sober - I don't want to go through all that again!

You're right - do anything (or everything) to break the chain of thought.

My home group had a slogan "if your ass falls off, pick it up and bring it to a meeting!" I thought they were cruel...:rofl:

[NMDemDist2]

16. my memory of the "cruelest" saying was....

put the plug in the jug, take the cotton outa your ears, stick it in your mouth, sit down, shut up and LISTEN!!

:rofl:

[vademocrat]

17. LOL - how did I forget THAT one!

I probably heard that a thousand times...

That tough love was hard to swallow - sure glad I did though! Glad you did too! :thumbsup:

[NMDemDist2]

18. thank God (as you understand him) for the old timers huh?

and now we get to try to carry that same tough love message :scared:

[vademocrat]

19. Amen!

I feel like I've had a mini meeting with you today! Thanks for sharing your experience, strength & hope!

I've got to go to class now - another benefit of sobriety. Getting a bachelor's degree that was postponed by alcohol - oh, 25 years ago...

:donut: :hug:
(what's a meeting without coffee & a hug?)

[NMDemDist2]

20. likewise! enjoy the rest of your day have fun at school and i'll be

sure to wave as I see you around the boards

:hi:

:hug: Happy Freaking Birthday vadem! :yourock:

[jeanarrett]

12. "On the Fence"

I have had periods of sobriety over the years. It is a long story, as they all are. I'm again at a point in my life where I need to get and stay sober. The compulsion is a terrible thing. The drink is a "best friend" whom I hate very much. I have had many bottoms, and lost a relationship that I did not want to lose (although in retrospect, it's a good thing - but that is another long story that I may share here some day). I have been in therapy. I have a loving ex-husband and five children who would help me in any way to achieve this. I have a good job, I am not destitute. I have been to many, many, many AA meetings and have met wonderful people. (I have done a 90/90). But, I cannot yet convince myself that I can do the sober thing, or that I am worth it, or that it even matters at all. I would so like to be able to stay sober, but sometimes I don't think I can stand one more AA meeting, or myself at that AA meeting. I am an upbeat, perfectionist (we all know lots of us like that!). I do not think I am in denial. I know I'm in trouble. I'm not convinced that my life would be any better sober (although at some level, I know it would have to be). I worry about serious future health issues if I don't stop. It is making me weep to write this . . . and it is making me want a drink.

I have never been able to get the "keep it simple" thing. I way overwork it in my head and I'm my own worst enemy.

[vademocrat]

13. Being on the fence gets really uncomfortable -

My first sponsor called me an emotional baglady - I too had a job, hadn't lost "stuff", looked "normal" (whatever that is)but there was a hole in my gut a truck could get through and all the alcohol in the world couldn't fill. I had tried AA before. Somehow, 17 years ago, it was different. I became willing - not all at once and not every time - but babystep by babystep I put together 24 hours, then a week, then a month...Fighting tooth and nail, scratching and clawing but allowing people to love me and help me anyway. That's just my experience. Everyone walks their own path.

It was simple. It was NOT easy.
Simple means uncomplicated. Easy means not hard. Getting that difference has helped me. :shrug:

[NMDemDist2]

15. the person who 12 stepped me also visited 3 other people that day

he figured me as the last person who would make it. he feared I was "too smart" for the program and would analyze it to death instead of just DOING it. I am the only one sober of the 4. one is on his 4th wife and his kids won't talk to him, one is living in poverty in spite of 8 years of college and a first rate mind, one is all but a hermit living in a darkened house full of paranoia and conspiracy theories, in a drunken stupor by noon and then there's me, 14 years sober as of yesterday.

I agree with our birthday person, it was willingness that saved me. willingness to do what ever it took. willingness to trust the process

may i suggest a book for you? it made a huge difference to me in my first 60 days. it is the transcript of the famous Big Book Study by two good old boys from the midwest. it made the program accessible, understandable and mine!

take a minute to read the reviews, and browse the pages available. good luck :hug:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0894867415/ref=sib_rdr_dp/002-6778679-0089612?%5Fencoding=UTF8&me=ATVPDKIKX0DER&no=283155&st=books&n=283155

[demosincebirth]

23. Your sound like a very smart woman.

Sometimes smartness (if its a word) is a hindrance to our getting sober. Some of us have to be beat down to the gutter to finally be in a place to be willing to try and do anything not to drink. Maybe you haven't had enough of the "yets" yet.
I would suggest you get a sponsor, if you don't have one, get one, and tell her exactly what you just wrote here. Good luck and God bless you.

[smirkymonkey]

27. All it takes is some willingness...

Just crack the door open a little. I struggled for YEARS trying to get sober (and had almost 5 years at one point) now I am back 5 years. I couldn't understand why I couldn't stop when I wanted to so badly. I also had a job, apartment, youth etc. - but I knew from experience that it could only get worse, never better.

Ease up on yourself and just be open. I am similar to you in that I am a perfectionist, think too much, etc. so it has been hard for me because I had tried to use my will and "superior" reasoning power to get myself sober. Actually, I think the less we try to control our sobriety and the more open and willing we become, one day at a time (sounds cliche, but really it's very important) eventually some kind of grace will enter. (I am also an agnostic and have a hard time w/ the spiritual thing, but I think that the more we get out of our own way, the more "grace" can work through us.)

Good Luck - you will know when you are ready! :hi:

[KitchenWitch]

21. A hearty congratulations to you!

:hug: :donut:

[vademocrat]

22. Thanks!

I appreciate the coffee & donut too - sugar & caffiene has played a BIG part of my sobriety! :9

Back at ya - :hug:

[mourningdove92]

24. Way to tgo!

It really gives one a feeling of accomplishment. At least it does me.

[vademocrat]

25. Thank you!

It does bring a feeling of accomplishment although I try to keep it in check & remember that I didn't do it by myself...But this year especially because I've now been sober as many years as I drank. It's one of those "it'll never happen" statements from early sobriety that I can now say "hey it did happen!"

[smirkymonkey]

26. Congratulations!

What an accomplishment! I just celebrated 5 last month (second time around) and sometimes I wonder if I will make it to 10. Please tell me it gets easier.

[vademocrat]

28. Thanks! Congrats to you on 5!

My experience has been that it has gotten progressively easier to where now drinking doesn't appear on the radar screen - it's just not been an option for long enough now that when stray thoughts have appeared (like when I got laid off last year) my immediate response was "what a silly thought - then I'd be drunk & out of a job". From 5-10 it did ease off a lot. Although 5 was a tough year for me - it's when I went "stark, raving sober" :crazy: in the words of my sponsor - crying at meetings again, raw nerve endings, etc. It was the year I had to deal with a lot of the root causes behind my drinking. "Drinking is but a symptom of our disease..."

My sobriety has been a lot like a spiral staircase - I see the same things over and over but always from a different perspective & as long as I keep "climbing the steps" I will continue to see things differently.
Kind of a long answer for a simple question, I guess...:rofl: Remember to keep it simple & remember HALT - that helped me more times than I can count. Hang in there & remember "a day at a time"!

[smirkymonkey]

29. Thank you so much for sharing that!

That's exactly how I feel now at 5 years - Stark Raving Sober. It's not so much that I want to drink (although I am resorting to some of my more minor addictions to deal w/ the pain such as napping, checking out w/ movies, internet and of course, food) I just feel very angry, hateful and hopeless right now. I actually felt better in the 1st year of sobriety than I do now.

"crying at meetings again, raw nerve endings, etc. It was the year I had to deal with a lot of the root causes behind my drinking. "Drinking is but a symptom of our disease..." I think I am dealing w/ a lot of the stuff I never faced when I was drinking - a big thing is that I keep finding myself involved w/ abusive, manipulative or unkind people and I am so angry w/ them, but don't know how to set very good boundaries (because I am so "nice") so I am turning my anger inward which then turns into depression.

I am also going through a phase where I am just very distrustful of people and I am finding it hard to go to meetings - Groups of people in general feel very hostile to me for some reason (I know that a lot of this is my own stuff that I am projecting) - one nasty or rude person in a meeting will turn me against the whole group. What is that about?

Anyway, thank you so much for your advice - I loved your analogy of the spiral staircase! I think part of the problem is that I don't really have an available sponsor - I have stopped calling her because she is never available and haven't found anyone new yet. (In NYC, people are more self-absorbed, stressed out and busy than other places I have lived in sobriety and there aren't many people who are appropriate AND available.)

Thanks again and Congratulations!

[vademocrat]

30. Glad you got something from it!

I also went to a therapist for about a year around that time - she was also in AA which helped me because she knew where I was coming from. Therapy may not be for everyone, but it helped me through some rough patches.

About finding it hard to go to meetings - remember this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful, AND patient. I believe that a part of my mind wants to sabotage my recovery so I will drink again. Looking for all the things wrong with meetings can be a way to say "see, we don't need these meetings. They're full of rude nasty people. We can stay sober by ourselves." Then we can rationalize not going to meetings and fall away from our support groups. For me, it's a slippery slope back down to where I didn't want to go back to. AA meetings have been one of the mainstays of my program - even when I didn't want to be there and I thought everyone else was full of it - I tried to share what I was feeling as best I could and someone would invariably come up and say "keep coming back, you're right where you're supposed to be." Then I'd think, "damn, I thought I was unique in these feelings" - my feelings of terminal uniqueness were a big barrier that I had to get over - one of the best descriptions I ever heard of an alcoholic is "an egomaniac with an inferiority complex" - that was me!

Another thing that has worked for me when meetings felt stale or I was not wanting to go, was to try a different meeting or two. I tried to never change them all at once and to keep one where people knew me but they understood when I'd branch out a bit.

This too shall pass!!:donut:

[smirkymonkey]

32. Thanks for the support!

You are right - I will go no matter how I am feeling. I picked up at around 5 years the 1st time because I hadn't been to meetings in a few years, so I know what can happen. Took me 5 years to get back!

Luckily, I can mix it up a bit. You are so right about "cunning, baffling, powerful & patient!" I see what's happening and luckily I do not have to let it overtake me.

Thanks again and Congratulations! :Hi:

[NMDemDist2]

31. i read a study in early sobriety that helped when I got there

as we stay sober our bodies begin to metabolize the booze in our cells. at between 5 and 7 (depending on whether you were dually addicted) the booze starts coming out of it's last hiding place, your spinal fluid and brain cells (scary huh?) you body is actually releasing booze into your bloodstream to be cycled out of your system altogether

at 5 years sober, i thought life was over. my job sucked, my marriage sucked, my home group sucked even though not a thing had changed except me!

but armed with the information that it was a physical symptom I vowed to do what worked the first time. i did 90/90, I talked about how I felt, I dived into a BB study, I did the steps formally again and I hung on, one day at a time with white knuckles

120 days later it was over, the booze was finally out of my system and it's been "stepping out easy" pretty much ever since.

hang in there, know you aren't crazy but your body is releasing triggers to your disease and ride it out. it will pass, I promise!

[smirkymonkey]

33. Thank you so much for that!

I can't tell you how much better it has made me feel - I am EXACTLY where you were at 5 years - I am not happy w/ ANY aspect of my life and I don't know how to change anything. It does feel like my life is at a dead end. Nothing is horrible, I just feel like I am not living my right life, if that makes any sense.

I didn't know that about alcohol staying in your system for that long - it would explain a lot - I am craving sugar and carbs like mad lately - almost a mild form of alcohol for me because they calm me down.

I am inspired to follow your advice! Thanks again :Hi: