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I'm so glad you finally realized what it was doing to your mother.
I have to tell you that I have gone to AA & NA and did get some use from the meetings. I had to stop going though because for me I just came away crying all the time. But some of the things I did learn were that our son is the only one who can control his life and that we didn't make him turn his life around. But there is something that I realized on my own, and this came recently.
Thinking back through the lives of both my children I could trace back certain personality traits that that began almost from birth. My daughter never wanted to be cuddled very much, and by the time she was 8 mos. old actually would pull away a lot. This wasn't because we didn't "want" to cuddle her, she was our first born so you can imagine. She was never what anyone would call outgoing, and she was independent to a fault. She's like me that way, except that I'm extremely outgoing. She & I both have deep deep thoughts, but she's been unable to be overly affectionate or show her love outwardly. She had gotten rebellious during high school and right after, but never got into the drug scene or drinking. She actually ran away to Texas when she was 17 and we freaked. But she came back and decided to become a critical care nurse. She likes the management side rather than the one on one patient help. She's the Medical Director for Lifeline where we live. While she doesn't show her feelings much, she wants her family and she will go out of her way to help when she can. She & her brother were very very close and this has been hard on her too, partly because she gave him help in the beginning, but ended up doing a 180 and turned on him completely! She actually went out of her way to get the police involved and had him followed for quite some time. Her husband's brother is a cop.
My son on the other hand, from the time he was born took so much attention. When I say he could sell ice to Eskimos I'm not kidding. When this all happened I got letters from his customers saying how much they loved him. He's Mr. Personality Plus, but he's not that strong. Never was and he ALWAYS wore his feelings on his sleeve. He loved his wife more than his own life and he COULD NOT understand what went wrong. He actually took money from "our" business so she could have TWO breast implant operations! We had set him up in the landscaping business and I did the books. I had to get out of the business because he was always taking money and the bills weren't getting paid. I would go to pay a bill and check the bank balance and couldn't make the payment. I have always prided myself on my credit and I just couldn't take his lack of concern about paying bills anymore. But he and his wife were also so jealous of each other all the time. I couldn't understand how anyone could talk on the phone so many times during the day, they were always checking up on each other! The relationship was just crazy! They are both very good looking, but they fought all the time because of this jealousy. I think that's why she finally left, it was a crazy life! And even after leaving they have gotten back together at least 10 times, but it has never worked. So now, they're both screwed up and she's addicted too.
What I'm saying is that I do believe that all of us are born with certain traits that stay with us throughout life, and no matter how hard we try... some things will always be that way. As I said I have gotten to a point where I only have about 1 bad day a week, and I also don't have much hope either. It's been almost two years of this METH stuff and I've come a long way, I've learned more than I wanted to but it still breaks my heart. Mainly because I do feel so hopeless. My son would always come to me, but I think he's gone to a place that he knows he's screwed up so bad he can't even face himself. He has no excuses left for his behavior and he's not that strong. He will tell you how everyone messed his life up, but I suppose he knows deep down it's not really true. So this is why I'm so very concerned, he is suicidal and he is very needy and by his not contacting his family is a sign to me that things are going terribly wrong. My husband and I took a stand that we would no longer put up with his behavior because it was ruining everyone, including him. While I wish I knew what was going on, part of me knows... and it is easier that he's not around. Everyday I woke up before this was filled with stress, and as I said I'm down to about once a week. My husband on the other hand simply states he hates him, he doesn't ever want to see him again and if he does see him he will do everything in his power to take him down. I KNOW why my husband feels this way, I KNOW he doesn't really hate him, he just hates what has happened. My husband and I CAN NOT talk about this at all. I have tried everything to get him to go to meetings with me or look at programs on TV that deal with this, but he has simply shut down. Believe me when I say it's better that we don't talk about it... he might say he understands that as a mother I might have overwhelming love, but I know he doesn't. I've asked him not to say he hates him in front of me, but it's useless so I don't talk about it with him.
We also are caring for my husband's mother who has Alzheimer's, and she's been living here for 7 years now. She's 94 and her body is healthy, no medications at all, but her brain has atrophied a great deal. She's unable to do anything for herself, but she will attempt to feed herself, which takes about 2 hrs on average. We let her do it because we don't want her to become bedridden. We get her up each day and we help her with everything that needs to be done. She is totally incontinent and her mind has deteriorated to the point that we are now having problems getting her to understand what we want her to do. Like sit up, stand up, changing her briefs, taking her teeth out of her mouth to clean them... just the basics. So I'm sure this fuels my husband's anger toward our son. He thinks he should understand that we have it bad enough with his mother and he should be able to turn himself around because of it. I know it's a disease and I know addiction is just that ADDICTION! It's not that easy for everyone. My husband never drank or smoked so he has no idea.
I smoked a little, about a pack a week for a while, but I did drink beer when I was younger. I never had a problem NOT drinking, but I did enjoy drinking with friends and did have my times when I got blotto! I rarely drink now, 3 beers will do me in these days, but when we used to skin dive, bowl, play baseball or other activities I could hold my own and had lots of fun. I never got a DUI or anything like that, but after I stopped drinking I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I think the drinking actually keep it from coming to the surface in the first place. It runs in my family. My mother must have had it because she was a neat freak and everything had to be in order. I know all about that now.
So I've said enough, I want to thank you for your advice... today is a better day, but there will be bads ones again. Hopelessness is my biggest battle right now. But I no longer HOPE beyond hope that some miracle will save my son. I'm beginning to accept that the outcome WILL be bad. I'm preparing myself for it, but I know it's going to be a killer when it comes.
Thanks again, I do appreciate it. I was so happy to find this place, there are so many nice people and so many that are struggling too.
Chici
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