My Last Crutch

[stepnw1f]

Pot...

I am an alcoholic who has been clean for over three years now. I am also suffering from clinical depression and take meds for it. I have had depression since I was a teen... off and on, but then it all came crashing down on me in my twenties, while trying to medicate myslef. I just couldn't figure out what my problems were, and just sort of looked for relief from the anxiety, sadness and anger.

Now I puff a bit at nights to relax myself. But I know this too is just a crutch of sorts and want to change. Anybody else?

[NMDemDist2]

1. a doctor I know in AA says if you are newly sober and not depressed

you have really BIG problems

my only suggestion is to find a Doctor who understands addiction and depression and how they work together

Best Luck to you! :hug:

[stepnw1f]

2. Thank You AZ

I have one already and she is a big help. I still have my big book too.

[NMDemDist2]

3. pages 58-88 is all you need, the whole program is laid out there

hang in there :hug:

[stepnw1f]

4. My Last Crutch Is Proving Harder Than I Thought

to leave behind. But I feel a bit positive about it all.

[ismnotwasm]

5. It is hard

I have a kind of odd drug story. Short and sweet it goes like this-- I did 'em all. But they had to be free, in other words, I would smoke YOUR dope, do YOUR cocaine etc. I actually went around :blush: Saying "I don't have an addictive personality" because I tended to move around, go from drug to drug with usually only mild withdrawal(Usually) But that alcohol was always there. ALWAYS there. I ended up with it being my best (and last)friend.

Since I don't want to go back to that place, I avoid all "better living through chemistry."
One of things that helped me besides AA, was exercise. (This is just what worked for me, everyone has their own path) I remember the first time I felt so good, so connected to my environment it was better than any high I'd ever had. You're going to laugh, but I power walk for exercise sometimes. I love listening to music of all kinds. Some song was on, probably something metal with a primal beat. I was walking around a beautiful lake during the summer time. This is a popular park and all kinds of crazy things were going on that day--A medieval group was in costume and had old music and were doing dances on the lawn. There were roller bladers dancing literally around the lake--so graceful-- passing me again and again. A Young man had bongo drums going somewhere, kids were playing hacky sack. I was by people and water and nature and all of a sudden I was THERE, at this place I had tried to chase with drugs for many years. Some of us call it a spiritual experience I guess, all I know is I felt part of, instead of separate and different from everyone and everything. And I didn't talk to a soul. I didn't need to. I've been to that place many times since. Not all the time and certainly not every day. Sometimes not every month.

I wish you well dealing with your crutch, and I'm glad you're here.

[stepnw1f]

8. Thanks... I'm Doing That Now

Little work out here and there. I am looking forward to a clean and sober life style.

[demosincebirth]

15. Thats not true in all cases. Yes, if you have a history

of depression.

[demosincebirth]

6. Smokin pot and you say you're clean?

[stepnw1f]

7. You Knew What I Meant (nt)

[SPKrazy]

9. I Never Could Just "Puff A Bit"

it always made me want to drink

I always went back to (AA) a story in the big book, about a doctor who quit drinking, but kept taking drugs because he always had "symptoms" that only a certain drug could fix.

I had to take the same thing with pot.

When I first quit drinking I remember that I started smoking a lot of pot.

Pretty soon I was just smoking all the time.

I also couldn't stay sober.

I think that sobriety has to be something that is dealt with using your mind and emotions, and keeping them sharp is important.

I have depression and anxiety too and take an antidepressant, which some might call a crutch. But I found that I do much better on it than without it.

And I spent over 10 years sober without it so I don't think it was a case of needing to wait for my body to detoxify first.

Anyway, good luck, and I hope you do what you need to do. You did it with the booze, now do the same with the pot.

I actually think you'll be less depressed, or at least you'll know how depressed you really are without it and can figure how to deal with it.

[stepnw1f]

10. Southpaw.... Thank You

I'm glad there are folks who understand... I'll keep fighting.

[mdmc]

11. I was a super heavy drinker as a teenager

I used to work at a beer distributor, so I was alway able to get kegs for parties and me and my friends always had beer. Every so often I would go to school drunk. We would always play drinking games on the weekends and sometime after school.

I had often suffered from anxiety, anger, and depression, even as a child. I always felt bad that everything that I loved would die, myself included. My dad was verbally abusive toward me, my sister, my mom, and grandmother. I was very sad.

While I loved art, humor, bicycling, hiking, skiing, and swimming. Still, I was often bummed out.

When I was 18, I found pot. Smoking helped me enjoy my interests. Smoking helped me curb my binge drinking and become political and social. Smoking hid the pain.

But the pain is still there.

A couple days ago, I learned that I had failed a drug test due to pot. Today is my 16th day pot free.

I've dabbled in pills and alcohol, so I am not entirely sober. I plan to go back to pot once I pass my drug test and get a job.

I have found that zanax and ambien works better then pot. Perhaps I will look into seeing a shrink as soon as I get medical coverage.

I still hate myself and wish I were dead. If it weren't for progressive politics and my family, I would be dead already. I hope that I can have a family of my own someday, but I doubt that I will ever be able to afford one, or find a women to care about me.

ps- thanks for this OP. I was trying to find a forum to post in, and couldn't find a place comfortable to post. Your OP provided a perfect opportunity to express myself.

[KitchenWitch]

12. Welcome to the group mdmc!

Most of us here are from a 12 step background (AA, NA, etc). But, speaking for myself, I am open to hearing about other recovery modalities. IMHO, if you truly have depression and anxiety issues, I am not sure smoking pot is such a good idea.

[NMDemDist2]

13. whoa! glad you're with us. it really sucks it's so difficult to get help

with emotional and substance abuse issues in this country :cry:

hang in there and good luck! :pals:

[ismnotwasm]

14. Another welcome from me

I'm glad you're here, and I hope you find what you need.

[mdmc]

16. thanks, all

I appreciate the input. :)

[stepnw1f]

18. Hang In There!

I used to take zanax. Be careful, because it's extremely addictive. It's hard to kick...

[mdmc]

17. now I'm using champagne as a crutch to get off the leaf

alcohol is so lame...

[stepnw1f]

19. I'm Still Smoking...

on and off. But I will keep trying...

[Just Me]

20. Hello. I am having problems, too (although not like yours, just similar).

I was diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder when a series of life events just pushed that last button for me. My life story is a bit different from others 'cause, I experimented, here and there with drugs and alcohol and hated it because I felt out of control of myself.

However, I went through a series of hardships that lasted for over two years and, in spite of my love to create stuff and to observe nature and paint and read and exercise,...I became completely fragmented, felt 24/7 overwhelmed and felt like I was losing my mind over one event. I started picking up six-packs as a sedative just so I could sleep because I seriously feared something would crush me the next day. Even though I'd gotten through a divorce, long-term unemployment (poverty can kick anyone's ass if they live in it long enough IMHO), and moved closer to "support", I could NOT turn off the anxiety/panic button no matter how many cognitive-behavioral materials I read and practiced or changes in routine, I actually found myself in unpredictable episodes of complete panic, and finally went to a shrink.

I was prescribed, over time, 60mg of Buspar and 1mg of Clonasepam in the morning and at night, plus 2 tabs of 50mg Trazodone, when needed (for insomnia that has pervaded my entire life). Well, it took time but the regiment worked for me until the last several weeks presenting several distresses, mostly out of my control: warrant for my arrest on a petition for truancy (my son had missed a lot of school due to chronic migraine syndrome and I couldn't be served because, suddenly, my employer demanded 11 to 12 hours of my day), my son wrecked his truck learning to drive (don't have the extra $500 to fix it), my boyfriend forced sex upon me (he even said it was sick) while I was completely unconscious having taken the Trazodone 'cause I HAD to get sleep for a long and stressful day the next morning (and we broke up), my "work-at-home" position became a four-hour commute plus six to eight hours of pure hell, my van broke down ($600), and my favorite sibling is in Iraq,....AND my employer just informed me that my "work-at-home" position has been extinguished but I can take the new "in-office" position requiring either relocation or a four-hour commute each day (no economic incentive like relocation costs or a raise attached).

Okay, so, all this shit has happened over the last five weeks. I started picking up six-packs, again, just after the break-up with asswipe and during the sudden seriously increased demands from a job I truly find meaningful. I don't take the Clonazepam when I decide to drink, too afraid. But, still,....I feel like my life is so beyond me,...I want to escape and am drinking beer to feel "free" (in spite of the fact that the medications I'm taking are controlling anxiety and panic). I want to be happy!!!!

I'm worried. Shit, I took masters courses in psychology and try to keep informed about the mixture of genes and environment in human behavior. I've engaged in creating some wonderful projects (building a "birds commune", creating beautiful garden plots with materials from the nature that surrounds me, taking time at every opportunity to observe the beauty of nature which actually makes me giggle from time-to-time (my son and I "squirrel-proofed" the birdy commune and it's a damned hoot to watch the surprised look on every squirrel attempting to climb the pole).

I am here, right now, drinking a beer and feel like consuming as many as my body will take, just to escape the most recent "fuck you" offer from a job that was meaningful to me.

I am r-a-n-t-i-n-g and not being helpful at all to you. I'm sorry.

But, listen, maybe my rant can help you. People vary in their sensitivities to environment and, I don't give a damn what anyone says, those sensitivities are BUILT into our systems, our bodies (which does, in fact, include our brain/mind). What we have the power to do is to explore and reveal and recognize and acknowledge those sensitivities. Then, do our best to be doctoring our own environment to protect ourselves against that which provokes our sensitivities; and, if needed, take medications which are HELPFUL, and know that we are worth all that work and investment in ourselves.

So, that's all I have to share.

[NMDemDist2]

21. O JustMe

:hug:

not much I can say 'cept hang in there

:hug:

[Just Me]

22. You are kind.

Thank you. I am grateful for your expression of such kindness. :hug: Life's tough but, my mantra, don't forget the peace beyond you: look at the trees, the stars, the birds, the rivers, the rocks, all at peace. When we can get INSIDE of that 'peace, even though it's just a moment, it's enough to keep going.

Edited cause I wanted to *LOL* (O-K-A-Y, I also misspelled a word, but the expression wasn't correct, anyway *LOL*)

[NMDemDist2]

23. someone once told me that serenity was not the absence of the storm

but rather the peace WITHIN the storm

may you find that peace ..... :pals:

[mdmc]

24. yeah

and take care (and give care). peace and low stress. How is your son doin?

[NMDemDist2]

25. no son here :shrug: n/t

[mdmc]

26. I meant "just me" 's son

I meant to ask how he was doin

[Just Me]

27. He's distressed, too!

As a matter of fact, we had a two hour discussion about distresses (the first hour being mostly projections). We agreed upon what's most important no matter what life delivers: eachother.

We made a list of how to make "home life" a haven and a list of projects to make our environment better.

Good grief, it's late!!!! I gotta' go to bed.

Light & Peace to All.

[mdmc]

28. Light and peace to you as well

and to all.

take care, give care

:hug:

[stepnw1f]

29. Hi Just Me

Sorry I didn't respond to your post till now, but I hope you are ok. I come here off and on, but should be around more often to share experiences of my own. Hang in there.

[Just Me]

30. Hello.

Thank you for your concern. I am coping through, well, a series of crises and am afraid of failing to get through them. I am experiencing more support than ever in my lifetime and a LOT of advice about how to proceed. I've taken all that advice from those who care about me and structured a strategy to manage through this most recent crisis. Hell, I put it down on paper, right on the left side of my 'puter. I'm still worried, of course, because I haven't a goshdamn clue what the end of this week will deliver. It's not that I take it personal, it's just a, "haven't a clue what's gonna' happen next" thingy,...and that's scary for a single mom who has been "the strong one" to age 43 going on 44. I'm just tired of this.

Hilariously, and I mean it, my step/adoptive/ex-con politico father calls me about my situation and and basically advocates I lay like a rug (asshole). I told him his loyalty wasn't to family or fairness but rather himself and making money off politics. Of course, he,...well, BLAH. Then, I talked to my brother who told me "politicians have no compassion, just like corporations and ignore 'Dad's' bullshit,...your problem is you are too sweet and allow people to roll all over you". He recommeded another strategic path that I've added to my overall "strategy".

All I know is that, I am receiving more support than ever and that I'm am moving forward even when I just want to STOP! I figure, that's enough. Fuck the outcome and trying to understand why people are cruel. I deserve to be respected and loved and valued just like any other human being: and those are my demands.

So, there's my little rant. How are you doing? :hug:

[stepnw1f]

31. Yes You Do Deserve to Respected, Loved, and Valued

Everyone does, if someone doesn't, turn away from them. That's what I do now. I really had a hard time realizing I was giving too much of myself to things I could not change, saving me some patience for more worthy issues.

I am ok... could be better. I have bouts of depression, off and on, so I have to make sure I eat enough. When I get moody, I tend to skip meals.... strange I know. Most people want to eat to soothe themselves, while instead I get an upset stomach and just don't feel like trying. Been like that ever since I was kid. So one thing I try to do is calm myself... unfortunately, I smoke the green stuff to do it. So all in all, I am alive and well enough to smile today and tomorrow looks just as good. :hug:

[Just Me]

32. I'm like that, too. Increased stress decreases my appetite.

Not that the opposite is good; but, keeping our bodies strong is important. I buy supplements and do vitamins to compensate,...it's not enough. Even though I "look good", I am ten pounds below my "feel good" weight. *LOL* I'll put most of that back on this weekend, surrounded with family and friends. Once this crises has concluded, I am committed to doing me as a creator and builder. I'll have the opportunity to strengthen myself and take advantage of that,...my son demands it *LOL*. He's gonna' get me working out every day.

This too shall pass, perhaps with greater rewards,...perhaps, with NEEDED rewards.

Take care you of you, I've learned, otherwise you have nothing left to care for others.

[usregimechange]

33. There are more effective meds than pot to tx depression

plus some therapy couldn't hurt either. Best treatment includes meds, counseling, community support, etc. Best of luck but reach out to others. You don't have to do this alone. :hug:

[stepnw1f]

34. Thank You

[Just Me]

35. I'd like to talk about "crutches".

I do not know a single person, not ONE, who doesn't need a crutch from time to time. NOT ONE.

Then, there are those who need them during especially traumatic periods. There are those who "act" like they dont' them but most certainly have serious weaknesses requiring a "crutch". There are those in permanent need of a crutch.

BUT, let's talk about the "crutches".

A "crutch" is suppose to serve a means toward healing. Yes? A "crutch" serves to aid something injured or broken until healed OR if injury is permanent, a means to aid/advance survival.

Those missing a limb can be supplied a permanent crutch called a prosthetic limb. That's a crutch.

Now, those missing a piece of or having serious injury to their mind/spirit/soul,...well, there are psychotropic drugs that are still in the trial and eliminate phase: some work, some don't, some make it worse.

What is VITAL during any injury to any part of a human being is the other human beings in similar circumstances.

"Crutches"?

Are those objects or living, needed or an excuse, hopes or tragedies,...I don't know what people mean, anymore, when they speak of "crutches". So, thought I'd invite a discussion about that.