Being looked at differently after weight loss.

[Wapsie B]

I met a woman yesterday who had gastric-bypass surgery done four years ago. She was talking about how people look at you differently after losing a lot of weight. That part really stuck with me. Part of me, the part with a charitable view of humankind doesn't want to believe that's the case at all. But the realist in me knows those words are true. However, that being looked on more favorably will only justify if not reinforce my cynical view of society and those in it. It's a huge sticking point with me. It wouldn't prevent me from getting the Lap-band. But it would most certainly temper my view of any compliments I might receive afterwards.

I don't know if I have a question to ask or not. Just wanted to express my views on this.

[auntAgonist]

1. Those who truly care are the only ones who matter.

Easier to hear than accept. It's so true that after a huge weight loss (some) people treated me a lot differently.

The photocopier and fax machine are located in a central area where I work. Many's the time I had to be in that area over the years to use the machines. Lots of corporate folks can be found there chatting and socializing. I often went unnoticed or even ignored as I went about my tasks.
I started losing weight quickly after my surgery. When I was down about 50lbs a couple of the men started to greet me with a smile and a hello. One man in particular started to pay a lot of attention to me, making comments like "hey you, ..looking good these days!". This man NEVER uttered a word to me or acknowledged my smiles or greetings when I was fat. He started (as many others did)making conversation with me ever time he saw me. I wanted to scream at him "What is it about me NOW that you have the time of day for that you didn't before? ? ? " "Am I somehow more worthy of your attention?" "Am I smarter now and you can hold a conversation with me?"
Upper management took notice too and suddenly I'm considered for more interesting and challenging jobs.

I don't know that there's any answer to all of this. I did become more cynical for a while. I even felt quite depressed at times. Now, I just hold my head up, nod to the corporate types and realize they don't matter in the least.

My family and friends are the ones who truly care. They cared all along. Fat or thin they took me at face value. Loving me for me.

Acceptance comes from within. YOU are the one that matters most.

aA
kesha

[Wapsie B]

2. Yes you're right.

I'm the one who matters most. I was thinking socially as much as anything. But I can understand what you're saying. The suites suddenly look at you as being more skilled and smarter after weight loss? I can see where that would be disconcerting to say the least. I supposed even I, after 50 might even go on job interviews after all this is over minus 120-150 pounds and being looked on with interest. This is definitely something to take up when I go to my first group meeting for bariatric surgery patients in a couple weeks.

Thanks kesha.

[Longhorn]

3. I think it's part of the judgment that people who are overweight

did this to themselves due to negative behaviors. We all know that we have no more negative qualities than any other group of people but we are blamed for being fat, whether we deserve to be or not. The problem is that some of our negative behaviors can be obvious to the world while other negative behaviors are easily hidden.

Now that you've lost weight, Kesha, you've demonstrated that you care about yourself, that you are committed, that you have self-control, and that you are hard-working. You were all of those things before but you've now made it obvious! The fact that anyone would ignore you before is clearly a sign of his or her ignorance. However, I try to forgive and sometimes even educate ignorant people. I know it's hard not to take it personally and I agree that they don't matter -- unless they are in the position to make decisions about your career! Then, as you work your way to the top, you'll be different and judge people by what they do and not by what they look like! :hug:

[lizerdbits]

4. One's value as a human being

is inversely proportional to their size in the society we have now. Sad and I'd not like it to be that way but it's true.

If you're fat you're physically and mentally lazy and gorge on junk food all day. If you're not you must be really disciplined. That seems to be the way a lot of people think. Ironically the (physically) laziest person I ever met was a bottomless pit for food and soda but never gained an ounce from it. Unfortunately I dated him so he was pretty sure that since I wasn't tiny I must gorge on junk food all day.

[Wapsie B]

5. That undisciplined mindset held by many people is reinforced

in various ways. I remember listening to a motivational speaker who said those exact words; that if you were overweight you were seen as not being in control. Gosh, can I belittle a cancer or Aids patient? :sarcasm:

[Longhorn]

6. Unfortunately, some overweight people buy into it, too.

I've been a member of several message boards for overweight people on various diets. They are harder on themselves than anyone! They've been conditioned to believe that they are failures and it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as they begin to sabotage their own efforts. I don't think smokers are blamed for getting lung cancer as much as fat people are blamed for being fat!

[Wapsie B]

7. Yes they do.

I agree. Although I do see smokers being ostracized and being made into pariahs at times, my being overweight does not endanger the health of anyone else like secondhand smoke does. With any other medical condition there's a kind of understanding and viewing things as a disease. With weight it's just a personal failing. And can't they train doctors to have just a little more bedside manner? When every other word out of your Cardiologist's mouth is Obese it's more than a little aggravating. Can't they say overweight? :rant:

[AZBlue]

8. Having been thin for most of my life and overweight for 7 years

I can tell you first-hand that our society is awful in relation to weight and a person's worth. I'm actually writing a book on it. Both my mom and a good friend of mine were overweight growing up so I saw some of what goes on, but never really understood it until I was overweight myself. I may get back to my original thinness, but I will never let go of the appreciation I have for what those who are overweight go through.

[Wapsie B]

11. And I'd love to buy that book.

It's not just social situations where larger people can be viewed as being less of a catch, but professional as well. I've never really been thin or close to normal weight for my age group except maybe as a very young child.

[AZBlue]

14. I'm struggling with that right now - I'm actively looking for a new job at the moment.

And I'm feeling "panicky" about losing as much weight as possible before interviews in January. Which is really absurd - like my weight affects my abilities and skills? I've interviewed with a couple of different companies in the last few months and I know for a fact I lost a job at one because of my weight, possibly more. The one I'm sure of kept saying things to me like, "well, you're certainly qualified and have a great attitude...but it can be a physical job at times, would it bother you to be on your feet all day?" Huh??

[Lisa0825]

9. I have gained and lost 50 + pounds 3 times in the past 15 years.

I am well aware of the way I am treated differently at different weights. The most startling realization to me has been that when I have been at my BEST as far as looking attractive, I have met some of the worst people. In fact, I'd even say that was part of the reason for putting the weight back on... being a single woman and finding that once I looked really "pretty," (speaking in terms of what is generally promoted by press/society/etc) I was only approached by men who did not seem to have any motivations beyond "whatever they could get" was really disheartening. Still, after all that, I know that I personally felt better being healthy, so now I know I just have to be extremely cautious emotionally and do this just for me. Kind of sad though... I used to be such a trusting type. Now I really expect nothing from dating beyond potentially having a little fun.

[Wapsie B]

10. That's a very interesting point.

At the very least it's hardened me. I do want to and am going to lose it all. But I'm afraid I'll find myself wondering if people like me for how I look as opposed to what person I am. Even after taking off 100+ pounds no one's going to put me on the cover of GQ but still...........

[cutlassmama]

12. I'm going to have Lap Band in April. I used to be skinny until

about 7 years ago too. A series of illnesses and being bedridden have really put the weight on me. When I was 110-115 lbs. the men were all over me. But like you people said, they were all shallow and didn't want me for me inside. I'm currently at 406 lbs. my highest ever. The surgery will be to save my life, not my looks. I will still be heavy after, but just not as heavy. I was lucky though. I found the man of my dreams two years ago and he LOVES big women, but he also loved me for my insides too. I know that when I lose weight he will still be here for me.

I have noticed, just like you people that I was definitely treated BETTER when I was skinny. It makes for a sour view of people in general. I know it will a big adjustment for me when I lose the weight and people start being nice to me again, but it will feel shallow.

There have been a few nice people since I got really big, but for the most part, I am sneered at. My self-esteem is in the toilet. I hope that will change with the surgery

[Wapsie B]

13. Yeah that sour view is one I really struggle with.

Today I talked with a woman I know who had a gastric bypass 6 years ago. She was telling me that it's a whole different life after the weight loss, that people look at you differently. But I don't want to be looked at differently. I want to be seen as a person, not as someone that doesn't disgust some people when they look at me.

My surgery should be before that, Feb. or March sometime.

[AZBlue]

15. Any news on your surgery?

It's great that you've taken your time and really thought about it and looked into it. As I posted in another thread, I have a friend who decided and had it done within a month - and that scares me, LOL!

[Broken_Hero]

16. In HS

I lost 195lbs, during my Junior/Senior years...

Although I didn't notice anything different(except my clothes fit better/had to buy new clothes), a lot of others noticed/treated me differently, especially those from the other sex(aka females)....