This may be one of my last posts here. I just can't handle the bullshit here much longer.

[Systematic Chaos]

Some immediate clarification is in order: When I say "here", I don't specifically mean this group. You guys and gals have all been supportive and understanding of me any and every single time I've needed it. I will always be grateful for your sympathy, your encouragement, and your kindness.

Rather, when I say "here" I am referring to the whole of DU. I seriously, seriously never thought it could happen, but this past few days the insensitivity and - on occasion - cruelty on display here with regards to treatment of the obese, and "lookism" in general, have been causing me to cry and well up with absolute vitriolic rage. Granted, this may be due to the fact that I've had to face sudden and complete withdrawal from my most important pain medication due to insurance, pharmacy, and doctor's office laxness and oversight, but that's neither here nor there. All I know is my system cannot take the stress caused by some of the absolute fuckwits who are becoming more and more commonplace in GD, the Lounge, and even LBN.

If you want to know just what I'm talking about, all you need to do is search the threads from the last three days concerning United Airlines' new policy about charging large passengers double fare, or read through the threads about the angelic vocalist Susan Boyle from Scotland (especially this thread - witness my single reply to what I feel should have been an instantly banworthy slight in that thread to see just what I'm on about!).

As for my personal life, my only saving grace is that I do have my disability coming in now. Just after my first check came, we discovered that my wife, along with over 300 other employees working for one of the major cell phone providers at her call center, is getting laid off on May 1st. Sure, we expect that her unemployment will come through without challenge, but the job market here in Las Vegas is down by about 50,000 jobs over the past few months so I don't know what she'll find as a replacement. Of course, this also means that my insurance will be gone come the end of May (COBRA my ass), so I'm now scrambling to apply for Medicaid. I already mentioned that I've been completely without my Fentanyl patches for a week now, because my doctor put me on a dose which is higher than the normal maximum which freaked out the insurance company and opened up a huge can of worms. Of course, doing so is pretty much necessary given my size; the 100 mcg/hr patch which is supposed to be the maximum dose works more like a 50 mcg/hr patch on me, so my doctor wants to put me on 150 mcg/hr or two 75 mcg/hr patches simultaneously. Being without the patches at all has caused my pain level to go through the roof in an eyeblink, and all the wonderful things my doctor mentioned would happen to me were I to quit the medication cold turkey have happened. I'm incredibly moody, far more depressed than even our present situation calls for at times, and I have moments where my mind is totally out the window. Hopefully, I'll finally have the patches again as of tonight, but what in blazes am I expected to do if I have NO insurance starting in June? There's no way I'll make it without - at a minimum - my diabetic meds, blood pressure meds and pain control, not to mention good wound care.

Oh, and another thing: I was supposed to have my lymphedema pump for my legs back in January, but after many phone calls and a whole pile of bullshit, only managed to get it a couple of weeks ago. Of course, the leg sleeves which came with the pump weren't quite large enough, so I was able to bring the pump home but I still have no way to use it! Just today, after waiting patiently for a larger set of sleeves to be delivered, I found out from the lymphatic clinic that their vendor is out of business. So I, as well as every other patient of the clinic who is awaiting a pump or other equipment, is shit out of luck until they manage to find another supplier. In the meantime, my legs have no infection and this would be a great way to help them heal, but I'm stuck having to wait for this mess to be sorted out. That's more expense for me and for whatever insurance I have at any given time until a resolution is found.

I'm frustrated with everything, and where I once found a great deal of comfort here at DU and came for a way to cope, I now find myself increasingly angry with an ever-growing segment of the population here and think more and more about staying the hell away. I never would have dreamed it would come to this. :banghead:

[The empressof all]

1. I'm so sorry you're having a shitty day

I'm glad your disability finally came through...That's quite a hurdle to go through.

Re: the threads that violate rules or start flame wars...You got to alert. The mods won't know if there's a problem unless someone clues them in. Please do us all a favor when you see these kinds of threads and let us know.

[Systematic Chaos]

4. Well, as you can see I'm still here. Thank Jebus for Fentanyl!!

To make a long story short, I found out that the error was that they were trying to authorize the damn things for my wife and not me. :eyes: But, we finally got it fixed last night and the minute Jeanette got home she stuck a couple patches on me and within 2 hours I felt human again.

I usually do alert insensitive posts, but sometimes it just seems like to do it for everyone would turn me into the ultimate whiner. The anti-obesity screeds on this site are numerous, and they can be vicious. My skin is usually as thick as the rest of me, but yesterday was a whole new ball game due to my pain.

Thanks for your response, though, and your attention to the posts I linked (including deleting my own reply). :hug:

[Broken_Hero]

2. I know its got to be rough

but hang in there, and please don't let the ragtag atmosphere of DU bring you down, it isn't worth getting all worked up about. And, like The Empress stated, if you see/read posts that are against the DU rules, feel free to alert, to bring them to our attention. DU is a big place, and reading/seeing everything that is posted here, is impossible....

I hope/pray that you stay strong...:hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

5. I'm feeling much better, thanks.

I think I will be doing a lot more alerting now that I think of it, because it's not just for me but for a number of other good DUers I can name who have recently been badly hurt by the attitudes of certain others here.

I really don't blame people for feeling upset if they're on a flight and scrunched into a seat which is already too small, only to have someone very large sitting right next to them. But as far as I'm concerned, most of the blame needs to fall on the airlines for designing such obviously small seats.

I believe that there should be a section on every airplane devoted to large passengers, with seats 24" wide - or hell, even 30" wide. And the fares for these seats could be a bit higher if a flight is booked solid. HOWEVER, if there are empty "regular" seats on the flight, then the extra money should be promptly refunded. I think that would be fair to everyone.

But, enough rambling. I just got home from wound care and having my legs and feet attacked with sharp scrapers, so I think it's time for a nap in short order. :)

[Broken_Hero]

7. I read two of the United

threads, and its...well, eye opening, I'll leave it at that. Usually when I fly, and I've flown numerous times...off the top of my head, I think I've flown commercial airlines at least 40 times, and I try to get the window seat. I just push myself up as close as I can to the side and put my arm rest down. Usually I don't have much of an issue with putting my seat belt on, or with the arm rest, but all of it is very uncomfortable...and since I'm 6'4 I get my legs/knee's crushed by the people sitting in front of me who recline, and I honestly don't recall anyone "not" reclining. And I fly with my arms crossed, so my elbows don't hit anyone...its all rather uncomfortable, but I'm a big man, always have been, so I'm use to sitting in uncomfortable positions.

I always feel bad when we people are cramped in the same row with me(with middle/aisle seat used), but I do my best to know even "touch" anyone, and 99.9% of the time I succeed in that. The .1% being the one time I had another big man sitting next to me, and we both didn't care if, heaven forbid our arms/legs touched one anothers....

The hardest issue for me, when flying is business people who take up the two other seats(usually they are in an aisle seat), who use the extra chair for stretching out, for their laptop, to essentially turn our aisle into their own desk space...and of course, leg room/people who recline in front of me....

I know a lot of people who are cramped while flying, and most of them are in shape, and are normal sized, and when they start griping about how small airline seats are, I'm like...cry me a river, tell me something I don't know, :D

I haven't had to use a seat belt extender before, but I've been close, although I never had to fly when I was over 400/or close to it, and in that situation, I'm pretty sure I'd need one...last time I flew was Xmas of 04, I was 370 or so...didnt' have any issue really.

My solution for people who take up to much space...set aside at least 4 seats, per plane for people who need them, be it that they are obese, or are in a wheel chair, or disabled in any way, much like how handicapped bathrooms are a bit bigger than normal ones...and charge them the same price...its such an easy fix, I don't understand the outrage over this...

I've known a few guys who, easily had me beat by 100lbs or better, and they are limited to driving everywhere/over long distances, because they are literally, "Afraid" to fly, because of the looks, comments, and what not that they know they will get, if they decided to fly....

[lavenderdiva]

3. Hey, Kirk

I am so glad to hear that your disability finally kicked in for you. I am also sorry to hear about Jeanette's impending unemployment. You really need a ray of sunshine cast your way.

I can certainly understand your complete frustration with so many insensitive characters that roam about DU and post really hurtful things. Obesity does still seem to bring out the worst in people. Not just at DU, but in real life too. It still seems to be an accepted form of discrimination, hidden under the guise of 'I'm just worried about your health' sort of stuff. I work in an industry where one's appearance means a lot. And yet, here I am, after being in a weight loss study for over a year, 10lbs heavier than I was when I started that program!! Go figure. Most everyone I work with is trim and trendy looking. Trying to find something to wear that is even SORT of fashionable (that I can afford) is quite a challenge.

All that said, both empressofall and petersond are correct: you MUST alert on each and every post that you find offensive. The mods are there to help you, and all of us quite frankly. They are never too busy to deal with the sorts of threads you mention; and after reading through that thread, I see that there was a LOT of cleaning up on aisle 13, as it were. Mods want to know about offensive posts so that they can do something about them, and sometimes the posters as well. petersond is right: that there are so many threads going on at once, and often times, unless there are alerts, there are posts that aren't addressed by the mods. They depend on the alert system.

Switching gears: please, please consider this forum, if no other, your safe place. You know that there are so many of us here who care about you and Jeanette, and what you are going through. I want you both to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I am praying for encouragement for your spirit, healing for your body, a new job situation for Jeanette, and some sort of solution for your medical issues. I am also going to be praying for you specifically to feel the blessing of ease of the burdens you have been carrying for so long. Those burdens may not go away, but that the weight and the stress they have been putting on you, would be eased. We really do care about you both here. Even if you don't want to post elsewhere on DU, please continue to participate in our little family here in the WLF.

Sending many hugs to both you and Jeanette: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

6. Thank you, as always, for your kind and thoughtful response.

I've cooled way down since yesterday. It's really not like me to fly off the handle like that, and I'm glad that those times when I do I generally return to a more level state of mind fairly quickly.

I think in some ways Jeanette's being laid off is a blessing. Making the switch to Medicaid might allow me better treatment than what I've been getting from my private insurance. I've heard this time and time again from people who seem to know what they're talking about, so hopefully it will be true in my case as well.

Jeanette isn't very happy with her job anyway, so I'm hoping and praying that she'll be able to find something she likes after this. Her dream is to have a job working around animals, even if it's just to go around and clean cages all day. In a perfect world, I'd have sent her to veterinarian school years ago, but any compromise which will make her truly happy with her work would make me equally happy at this point.

Hugs right back at you! :hug::hug::hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

8. Well here I am still. Life goes on.

I think the lack of Fentanyl really was turning me into an animal last week. I haven't been anywhere near as upset since I've been back on it, and at least during the day my pain level is back to something I can handle.

What sucks, though, is that when I'm sleeping the only way I can lay in bed is flat on my back, because I can't bend my arm (either arm) in the right position to fold it up under my head and lay on either side. Can't lay on my stomach for the same reason. So after laying almost perfectly still for several hours I inevitably get up with my arms and neck completely paralyzed from pain. It takes, on the average morning or if I wake up needing to go to the bathroom, about 3-5 minutes to work out enough of the pain from my joints to even get up. I don't know what to do to stop it, but I'm thinking about some kind of very light heating pad with a built in massage feature to keep everything from locking up.

I got my Medicaid application in the mail and I'm going to be filling it out and sending it off to a local office soon. Hopefully that will work out also, because even with the new COBRA subsidies the bottom line is that a) United Healthcare insurance fucking sucks and, b) I don't see how we can afford 1/3 of the COBRA payment given how much I still have to pay in co-pays and stuff not covered by UHC. So, we'll see.

On the bright side, I've been getting more movement and exercise in, and I'm committed to maintaining or even increasing the amount I do, as long as I don't end up hurting myself.

:grouphug:

[lavenderdiva]

9. Checking in on you--

Have you heard from Medicaid? how is your treatment progressing? Are you feeling better? have you been able to exercise a bit? I'm just wondering about you... :hug: :grouphug: :hug: