Do you ever have issues w/your name....?

[bliss_eternal]

...the fact that as a woman, we don't really have a say as to what we are called in our lives, or what our names are?

Some members of this forum have communicated with me in pm's. I almost never use my real name in pm's. It's not out of protecting my on-line anonymity. Frankly, I prefer using the name I've chosen for myself. I don't much care for my real name. I like my married name, but only because I genuinely like my husband.

But the more I think of it, the more I think women get a really raw deal in this regard. Why must our names be derived from men?

I've read a lot about names and changes in regard to abuse survivors. Women that changed their names because they didn't want to go through life with the name of a child-molester, abuser, rapist, abuse apologist, etc. But I often wonder how women outside of such issues feel about this issue--the name thing.

So, please share. Does anyone else ever think about this? Anyone here ever think about changing your name permanently?
:hi: Look forward to responses.

[lightningandsnow]

1. Hmm...

I grew up disliking my first name, because it was not only quite common, it was often common among people I didn't like (Spoiled rich girls who picked on me). (PM me if you're curious as to what my name is...ha ha). Also, there are a bunch of different ways to spell it, so people never got it right! However, I don't think I could imagine myself any other way.

As for last names, I do kind of have a problem with automatically using the father's name for a child, and I also have a problem with it when women automatically take their husband's name (nothing personal, just don't like the concept). It's kind of like giving up your identity in a lot of cases, I think. However, I don't mind having my father's name, as he has been a really big influence on my life, and often treated me better than my mother does.

Interesting question!

[lizerdbits]

2. Honestly I've never thought about it

Other than changing the name when getting married. In that case I probably wouldn't. My sister did but they were planning on and did have kids so she felt it was just less confusing to have everyone have the same last name. Since I won't be having any it seems kind of pointless for me to do it. IIRC there have been issues with women who have changed their names after marriage who decades later had trouble getting all their SS benefits because their contributions pre marriage weren't associated with their name? Maybe someone can fill me in on that.

As for a parent that was abusive, especially sexually, I can see why a name change would maybe help move on from that part of life. Fortunately that's something I never had to endure so I can't speak from experience. It obviously won't magically get rid of those memories but every time you signed something it seems it might be a reminder.

One of my aunts after her divorce (2nd marriage) officially changed her last name to her mother's 'maiden' name (for lack of a better term). Her father was an alcoholic and wasn't married to her mother very long. I assume she originally had his last name but now that I think about it I'm not 100% sure. Her second husband was also an alcoholic so I wonder if that played a part in trying to dissociate from both of them in name.

Interesting topic!

[iverglas]

3. yer born with it

I look at my surname like the colour of my eyes. It came with the deal. I'm not having plastic surgery to change my nose, or buying contact lenses to change my eye colour, and I'm not going to go changing my surname.

I wouldn't get married anyway because I think the whole thing is a load of patriarchal crap, but if for any weird reason I ever did I most certainly would not change my surname. And while I don't intend to give offence either, I am not impressed an iota by all the nonsense reasons women give for changing their surnames when they marry. An equal number of men would have an equal number of "good" reasons for changing theirs, and they don't. So since all other things are equal, the reason that women do is not that they love their husbands or hate their fathers or nobody can pronounce or spell their surnames, it's that they've signed on to the patriarchy.

Have I done that by keeping my father's surname? Some might say. I won't avoid that by saying my mother chose it too; her choice was obviously determined by a host of factors having nothing to do with her autonomous preferences.

Our naming system is in need of change. But it's one of those things that is going to take quite some time and run up against huge resistance. Not just because of widespread ideological support for the existing system, but because of how fundamental it is to how we do things, how we do just about everything, and how many aspects of how we do things would have to be different. And because nobody's come up with a good alternative yet. ;) The idea of names not being tied to families, for example, would just require a sea change in our whole culture.

The whole DNA thing is a newfangled wrench in the works, too. I've been obsessively digging into my family history for about three years now. I have a mystery: one of my gr-grfathers adopted a fake surname as a young adult. No one ever knew this; my parent certainly never suspected the family's surname was fake. Only the miracle of online databases and search engines revealed his secret. Because I have access to a son of a son of a son of the gr-grfather in question, once I decide to come up with $300 I can have his DNA checked against the DNA of a pedigreed holder of the name, and find out whether my gr-grfather really was a son of someone by that name. Female line DNA is no good for this purpose at all.

So we now know that as we do things, the surname follows the DNA associated with it, i.e. where a male child is "legitimate" and receives the father's surname, he has also received the male-line DNA associated with the surname. It sure makes things easy for genealogists, I'll tell ya. But genealogists of the future are just going to have to deal.

My nephew has a double-barrelled surname, mother's and father's. What happens when he has kids? Well, let them sort it out, I guess. My sister is a pigheaded sort of person who refused to allow her partner any input into their daughters' given names, and my understanding was that he got to pass on his surname (being an only child of doting parents who cared about this), but it seems they may have ended up double-barrelled as well; I've never figured it out. Again, let them sort it out.

Now for given names ... let's pretend mine is Deborah (it isn't, but my name is similar in that there was an era when it was about the most common one around). To begin with, there were two common spellings of the name: Debra and Deborah. Then, Debbie / Debby / Debbi / Debi. You get five of them in one class, and you start getting numbered. And you grow up, and being called Debbie just seems a little too damned cute. So you try to get people to call you Deborah. And if that doesn't work, you give up and go with Deb. If you're unlucky, your family still insists on calling you Debbie. The Bobbys and Billys of this world just don't seem to have that problem!

I just thank my stars I wasn't born a generation later. I don't think I could live with being a middle-aged Brittany.

[Chovexani]

4. I hate my last name

My hatred of my last name largely stems from the fact that it's my father's name, and I despise him. He was an emotionally abusive alcoholic that was pretty much a sperm donor. I have nothing to do with him, and I don't see why I would keep his name.

I've often joked about changing my last name to Atreides, the name of the family from the Dune novels. But as I get older, I find myself seriously considering it more and more. I share a first name with the most prominent woman of House Atreides and she's a woman I admire deeply--one of my favorite characters in the series.

Changing a name as a act of reclamation of power has a long tradition in many societies. In Paganism, one of the few beliefs shared by all Pagans regardless of spiritual path is that names have power. This is why many of us choose magickal names. I actually have several; one I go by publically, and one that is only used in ritual.

[bliss_eternal]

7. I *really* appreciate this...

quote:
changing a name as an act of reclamation of power has a long tradition in many societies

Very informative, and I like your names!

:hug: ...and I'm sorry about your father. Check your pm's.

[raccoon]

5. I've thought of it at times, but doubt I'll ever do it.

I have father issues, which is why I've thought of it.

If I did, I'd choose something in nature, I think. To use my mother's maiden name would just be taking HER father's name.

But I doubt I'll ever actually do it. It just seems like too much trouble. Only in the past 20 years or so have I gotten at peace with my first name, which I've had to spend my whole life repeating for people.

[bliss_eternal]

8. I hear you.

Quote:
If I did, I'd choose something in nature, I think. To use my mother's maiden name would just be taking HER father's name.

Sounds like you have a name people are constantly screwing up. That must be frustrating. :hug:

I've looked into it the process, based on my own "parent issues."

One of the things that bugs me is that you have to have an ad placed, advertising that you will change your name. They do this to ensure the person isn't changing it for "illegal" reasons--like to avoid debts, etc. Some states you can avoid this if you're a victim of violence and have sought help (counseling, etc.) I think the ad is placed in some obscure part of the paper, so it's not a big deal--but that aspect of the process gave me pause initially. But I don't think that would prevent me from pursuing the change.

[Book Lover]

6. I have thought a lot about this

First of all, I am very lucky: being catholic, I have a slew of names that I got when I was born, and then confirmed, to choose from for daily use. All of those were chosen for their connection to strong female relatives (or, in the case of those confirmation names, for sympathetic magic properties of those names, though I didn't quite understand that at the time). As for my surname, I am lucky there too. I have enormous respect and admiration for my father, and his family. So, only one-sixth of my name is derived from any man, and I'm very OK with that man. FWIW, I didn't change my name when my spouse and I wed - how could I change my very identity?

I think my personal issue around a woman changing her name when she marries is I see that as a somewhat limited point of view - you can change your name any day of the week, any week of the year, any year of your life. Why only think about it (or not, as the case may be) when you are about to get married?

[bliss_eternal]

9. That's so cool...

...having a slew of names, linked to strong females. I can understand why you wouldn't want to change your name when you wed. And good for you, for not bowing to conventions and keeping your name. I know some women that didn't really want to, but they didn't want to "buck the system" so to speak.

Given my issues, I was happy to toss aside my family name when I married. lol.

[ThomCat]

10. I've often had issues with having my fathers name.

He's an evil bastard.

I can see why women would have many good reasons to want a name that doesn't come from their father.

I wish we had a tradition in our culture of people being able to change their own name to something self-chosen at different stages of their life.

[bliss_eternal]

12. I'd like that, too....

...having the ability to self-choose.

I recall when reading Maya Angelou's book, she reveals that while her son was pretty young, he picked a name he liked and asked to be called it(not the name she gave him). She didn't fight it, and obliged him his choice. He's continued to be known by that to this day, Guy.

[ThomCat]

13. That is very cool.

It's good to know that an author who seems like a really good person through her writings would do something like that in her real life. :)

[Der Blaue Engel]

11. I legally changed my name and I've never regretted it

First middle and last are all things that mean something personal to me.

Hearing my original first name always made me feel small because of the way it was used by my family growing up. (Nothing terribly abusive, just a lot of belittling and yelling.) Now when people say my name it makes me smile. :)

[ThomCat]

14. Awesome!

Congratulations! :applause:

I wish more of us had the courage to do that. I like my first name, so I'd keep that. But the other two could go in a heartbeat and I'd never miss them.

[femrap]

15. Cool thread...

If I married, which I will do only for medical insurance...lol...I would either keep my name or the very lucky dude with the insurance coverage and I would select a last name that we both liked. I see little chance of this scenario.

I have thought of changing my name to my great-great grandmother's first name which I just learned a few years back. What was very strange was that her first name is part of my first name. I have a most unpronounceable last name when you look at...so I have longed to change that. And it's a name that only my family has so I cannot get away with anything. And if my half brother doesn't reproduce, the name will end. I hope he's gay!

I really want to look into this....I want a pen name...I would never want anyone to know it was me that was writing what they're reading. I would feel more free to say what I wanted.