Advice needed re: Step-kid has history of being battery victim

[chknltl]

Hello, this is not the forum I normally post in but I suspect that I might get good and useful advice here. This is a bit longish, sorry.

"Sue", her history. (Not her real name)

I dated her mother for years. Mom was psychotic and should have been institutionalized. I say this because folks who knew her well knew that there was something VERY wrong with her unrelated to her hard drug abuse. There is a fair chance that she was involved DIRECTLY in the deaths of her husband, (Sue's father who died tragically when she was 13), and two of her subsequent boyfriends. I nearly wound up beaten and in jail because of Sue's mom myself. She was highly abusive toward Sue until Sue lost contact with her at age 16 when she struck out on her own. At this point, we are not sure if Sue's mom is still alive, she is a street-person by choice, known by the local PD as a violent druggie, possibly an aging prostitute, and definitely a burglar. (Sue and I have looked for her...but we have not had any success for many years now.)

I have known Sue since she was 8, she is 24 now. I love her like the daughter I never had. I hope that I have had some sort of a positive influence on her...I think I have but I can not be too sure.

Sue's boyfriends: Sue is not one to go from boyfriend to boyfriend. I am aware of only five that she has had between ages 15-24. Her first was way older than her, should have been locked away as a child molester. Her second was an abusive type, a big guy ten years her senior and another who should be locked away as a child molester because he 'hooked-up' with her when she was 17. This particular guy kept track of Sue's every movement...she could not be away from him for more than a hour at a time without going nuts..(getting angry, calling her cell-phone every 5 minutes starting fights on the phone and etc.) Sue left this guy in a dramatic way, one which almost wound up with the battery of a neighbor and left me fearful for my own safety.

Her next boyfriend was a safe guy, not clingy at all but with an alcohol problem...I am still in contact with this guy and we are quite close. He never mistreated Sue but he DID have a severe problem with beer, (30 per day on average), and this led to their eventual split.

This latest BF, (her next one) and the reason I post here seeking advice:
He is perhaps 5 years older than Sue. There are things I actually like about this guy: He makes money. (Not consistent with Sue's earlier BF.s) Sue's lifestyle has dramatically improved because of this guy. He is involved deeply in the music biz so Sue is now one of the 'cool-folks', queen of the large raves that they put together. She LOVES this new lifestyle.

Sadly there are drugs involved. I take no issues with a little pot and a little alcohol but ecstasy is something I am not comfortable with...It was not around when I was growing up. I know that Sue has used this drug lately...to what extent? I don't know. She drinks a bit more than I like to see also.

This latest BF and Sue have been together for a few years now. He is like her second BF in that he needs to keep track of Sue's every moment. When she is gone for longer than an hour or so he gets agitated and does the cell-phone thing. "Where the HELL is MY girlfriend!!!" is a typical call from him under these circumstances. (So what if she spent a little more time with me or one of her few friends????)

He has a temper too. Their home has fist sized holes in the walls, (not hers), he once struck her across her face with a beer bottle, fracturing her eyebrow near her temple and on another occasion she and a friend had to hide in the bushes during one of his-(drug induced???)-rampages where he wrecked a few cars.

The other night she called me at 5AM, drunk. She wanted to stop by so I could examine the back of her head...she claimed it was bleeding. When she arrived, (she was drunk driving to get here), I took her into the bathroom for a close examination. The back of her shirt was blood spattered, her hair was matted with wet blood. I moved her hair away from an obvious lump and found an open gash at least 2 inches long, (likely longer). I stuffed her into my truck and we went to the ER. (She wanted to keep partying!!!!) After a couple of hours, she reappeared from the ER room with paperwork and 4 staples in the back of her head. They said that she would be OK. THAT WAS A RELIEF!!!

Apparently the BF was in a fight with one of her friends. Sue got in the way and was slammed up forcefully against a wall by her BF, which is where the concussion came from. After the ER visit, Sue informed me that she was leaving this BF. I hugged her and watched her drive off. HE had her cell-phone and she called me later that night with that very cell-phone assuring me that everything is just fine. That was a week ago. We often-times go as much as a month without contact so the fact that I do not know what is going on with her right now is not unusual. (She is a 'big girl' after all!)

Well that is Sue's story. She obviously needs help and I may be the only one who can help her although I have no idea how or if I should even interfere. I have no problem helping a stranger and Sue is NOT a stranger... I have no idea HOW to help. I offer her a place of safety if she needs it, a home if she needs that and money if she needs that as well. I can sit her down and talk to her if needs-be but in this case, I simply have no idea what to say to her. I am fiercely independent and I tried to make sure that she grew up learning that independence. It is obvious to me that she has not learned that lesson as well as I would have liked because she has placed her future in the hands of others WAY too often.

Perhaps Sue will actually leave this abusive guy...perhaps she will find another like this, perhaps that is a fate she secretly wants. I can not know, I am no psychic. I am well aware that tragedies like this play out hourly across America. It makes me feel a bit better sharing this story here even if nobody responds...but I am hoping for some honest advice.
Thanks ahead of time.

[ismnotwasm]

1. A profound revelation I had one time.

A woman had been dating a man for three years. Talking marriage. He came home one night, and broke her door down in a drunken rage. Tried to hit her. She dumped him. Told him she'd see him again--MAYBE--after he got therapy. This was after the first, and in this case only, incident. Why was it profound? Because somewhere in my life I had picked up the "oh give him a chance" "Work through it" idea. I was stunned at first, then elated at the simplicity of it. Why should she, why should anybody put up with any abuse, any time?

Maybe I'm not the one on this board to give advice. I never tolerated abuse, and have very little history of "sticking it out" Not because I had great taste in boyfriends, but because I thought I was tough. (I was actually kind of a dumbass, but that's a long story)

But I am the mother of two step daughters. Their mentally ill mother committed suicide. They have a few problems from that, (dating abusive men isn't one of them so far) I'm still their mom, I'm the one they turn to. If either one of them came to me with a story like that I would beg them if I had to, to leave this man. I would provide any help they required to do it. I would encourage them to call the police.

When they ignored my advice, I'd accept it the best I could, but if ever, ever I thought they were in danger, I'd call the police in a second. I mind my business a whole lot, but only a point.

It's good she has you to turn too. Tell her abuse is never ok. Not even the first time. There are NO extenuating circumstances. Drugs, alcohol, the former-girlfriend--who cheated-on-him demons, He doesn't do it when he's sober excuse, not one thing justifies it. Ever. Tell her their are good men out there who don't do this kind of shit, she needs to raise the bar.

Love her no matter what

[chknltl]

2. Will do.

I never really thought about it before but I'll bet there are lots of kind souls picking up walking wounded children and doing what they can to be surrogate parents. I've been in that position for both "Sue" and her third boyfriend, "Dave" (the beer-alcky). I am proud of Dave, he has moved in with his real mother, is going to college, in his third year now and his future looks bright! We talk on the phone twice weekly and he thanks me for all I did. I have been more moral support than anything else...helped him get a lifelong hobby and I support his attempts to stop drinking.

He made it 40 days without a beer when he found out about an emergency with his real dad. He flew back here and stayed with me while his dad was in intensive care. I am in Tacoma Wa. and can actually see the hospital where his dad was at a few of miles away outside my window, his mom and college are in Palo Alto California. After his dad was out of intensive care and the doctors assured him that he would be going home soon, Dave broke down and had a six-pack! He promised to go back on the wagon after that six-pack and so far he has kept to that promise.

Coincidently, that first night I picked him up at the airport and took took him directly to the hospital to visit his real dad, that very next morning was when "Sue" called me with the bleeding concussion so back to the hospital we ALL went! "Dave" and "Sue" both see me as their "Dad". Although they don't think so highly of each other, I feel lucky that they keep me in their lives! I actually get cards on Fathers day and "stuff" on Christmas from the both of them.

My biggest concern is that 'Sue' will wind up like her mother. At 24, I no longer see that happy youngster with the 'big plans'. I now see a cynical young lady whose voice is exactly whiskey soured like her mother's was! Sue even acts like her mother....well not as bad of course, but she does take pride in things her mother would have taken pride in...getting away with conning the Bon Marche out of an expensive coat is but one example. I don't want to just stand by and watch her go down the same road her mother went down.

I will find a way to talk with 'Sue'...hell maybe I'll show her this thread...she'll be REALLY mad at me for it but she knows my motivations so we'll survive! I find that my thoughts are better represented here than in conversation and with any luck, I'll have even more advice from fellow DUers to show her. Thanks